Bangalore Royal Challengers v Chennai Super Kings - As It Happened

Things I have learnt since I started this OBO: 1) Eating Maltesers ice cream and typing are mutually exclusive activities. 2) Cherry Coke is a good thing. 3) Consuming vast amounts of sugar improves tawdry Monday afternoons.

Elsewhere on the internet, the infuratingly brilliant cricket writer Gideon Haigh has written a piece on mystery spinners, inspired by the little-known Sri Lankan Ajantha Mendis. You can read Gideon's piece here, and, in the brave new world of rejigged super-swish Guardian.co.uk, you can watch some video of Mendis' mind-boggling variations here:

Actually, while I'm in the surely ill-conceived business of recommending the good bits of other people's sites, have a look at Ian Chappell's excellent piece on what's wrong with the IPL, by clicking here. His point, essentially, is that if you want to see naked ladies, go to a strip club, not a cricket ground.

Chennai are currently top of the table, but, umm, unfortunately, they're about to lose their three star overseas players: Mike Hussey, Matthew Hayden and Jacob Oram are all playing their last game for the franchise today, which will surely rather spoil their fans' enthusiasm.

Does anyone want to know which team Don Wilsom has decided to support? What do you mean no? Can't you say I need some padding? "After just over a week of this competition have the neutrals amongst us decided on which of the eight teams we are rooting for? Personally I've plumped for the Rajasthan Royals, despite the presence of Graeme Smith in their ranks, who is easily my least favorite cricket player, as they have consistently shrugged of the underdog label to win 3 out of 4 matches to date."

Chennai have won the toss and chosen to bat first.

Speaking of padding out word counts, it was interesting to note that The Observer's own Will Buckley seems to be something of an OBO fan.

Bangalore look like this: R Dravid, W Jaffer, LRPL Taylor, JH Kallis, V Kohli, MV Boucher, B Akhil, B Chipli, P Kumar, Z Khan, DW Steyn.

While Chennai look like this: ML Hayden, PA Patel, MEK Hussey, S Badrinath, SK Raina, MS Dhoni, JDP Oram, JA Morkel, Joginder Sharma, P Amarnath, M Gony.

1st over: Chennai 1-0 (Hayden 0 Patel 1)The world's leading fast bowler, Dale Steyn, who will be busily tearing England a new one later this summer, is going to open the bowling. Patel taps the first ball out to leg for one, and Steyn is already up and above 142kmph, swining the ball back in towards Hayden's off-stump. The burly Aussie refuses to play a shot, either shouldering arms or playing inside the line for each of the five remaining balls.

2nd over: Chennai 10-0 (Hayden 5 Patel 6)And at the other end comes Zaheer Khan. Matthew West's email may just have secured him a career in marketing: "I think the answer to the problems created by international stars going to join their national sides is presented in the moniker of the Chennai franchise - name them all after brands of cigarettes. People will then support the team which represents their favourite brand of weed. The Mumbai Marlboros, the Rajasthan Rothmans, the er Delhi Mayfair Menthol 100s. I'm sure it will work. There's certainly no European advertising ban related issues to contend with." Indeed, I'd be tempted to plump for the Kolkata Lambert & Butlers, or the Deccan Peter Steuyvesants. But if I was being brand loyal I'd have to back the Punjab Drum Gold half-zwere Dutch shags. Hayden crumps four through leg as Khan drops short.

3rd over: Chennai 18-0 (Hayden 8 Patel 7)Here comes the Steyn again / Bouncing at Hayden's head like a tragedy / Tearing him apart like a new emotion / spraying it down the leg side for two wides... ooooooooo. We break in to that Eurythmics-inspired motif with the STOP PRESS NEWS that at Canterbury Rob Key has reached his hundred.

WICKET! Hayden 13 b Khan (4th over: Chennai 18-1. Patel 7)What chances that Drum have read my plug and are going to send me packets and packets of their product? If I could just emphasize, for the sake of any of that desperately hard-up profession of people in tobacco marketing that I really do smoke Drum Gold, will that help? A four to fine leg makes Hayden the tournament's leading runs scorer, a situation that apparently earns him the right to wear some kind of special colored hat by way of celebration (like the maillot jeune) and, over-the-moon at that prospect, Hayden gets out next ball, chopping a slower ball onto his own stumps like a true buffoon.

5th over: Chennai 25-1 (Patel 8 Hussey 1)Mike Hussey is in, and Praveen Kumar is on.

6th over: Chennai 35-1 (Patel 14 Hussey 6)A thick edge flies through gully and rolls away for a single, and Hussey then turns four to fine leg. A shot that Patel liked so much he tried it himself moments later, with the same result.

WICKET! Patel 21 c Kallis b Kumar (7th over: Chennai 43-2 Hussey 6 Raina 1)He has a very fat face, Parthiv Patel. Exacerbated by his too-tight chin strap. All in all he looks a little like an ewok. Anyway. Having struck one six with a flailing hook to leg, he's out next ball, off, perhaps, to join the battle to save Endor. Lukka-lukka-lula, lukka-lukka-lula. He fenced a lifting ball straight to Kallis at first slip. Simple stuff, really.

8th over: Chennai 48-2 (Hussey 8 Raina 4)Jacques Kallis comes on for a bowl. Hussey slices a top-edge up into the air towards long-stop, where Rahul Dravid, scurrying back from slip, fails to get his hands beneath it to complete the catch.

9th over: Chennai 59-2 (Hussey 10 Raina 13)Balachandra Akhil comes on for Kumar, and Hussey immediately begins to hit out in an effort to exploit the weak link in the bowling line-up. He's almost caught at mid-wicket as a consequence, but the ball drops just short of the fielder. Raina makes less of a hash of the matter, strolling outside his leg stump and thrashing the ball over long-on for a sizeable six.

10th over: Chennai 65-2 (Hussey 12 Raina 15)Again a catch loops up into the air but lands short of the nearest fielder, it came from as little extra muscle from Kallis, putting all his bulk into a quicker ball.

11th over: Chennai 72-2 (Hussey 14 Raina 20)Boucher comes up to the stumps to stop Raina coming down the pitch to Akhil. So, adapting and overcoming - as Clint Eastwood told us to in Heartbreak Ridge - he leans onto his back foot and flicks a four through cover instead.

WICKET! Raina 28 run out 12th over: Chennai 82-3 (Hussey 14)Praveen Kumar comes back on. You know, I know this is hardly the fifth day of the Ashes '05, but so far I've had two emails from you miserable buggers out there. And I know that, as busy as your Mondat afternoons no doubt are, there are more than two of you reading this. Goddamn it's not like I'm not trying to throw you some goddamn bones - six by Raina, hooked over square leg - I mean we've had cigarettes, ewoks, Clint Eastwood lines and all other sorts of crap. And not one of you can be bothered eh? Gits. The lot of you. Well, Raina has been run out, by a distance, throwing himself face first into the dust for no reason at all seeing as the stumps had already been broken by Boucher, taking David's throw after an intial misfield had fooled the batsmen into seeking a second.

13th over: Chennai 86-3 (Hussey 19 Dhoni 2)In protest at the lack of email action I'm going to tell you simply that James Tredwell is 89 not out. Put that in your pipe.

14th over: Chennai 94-3 (Hussey 23 Dhoni 6)See what you've reduced me to? This, from Jonathan Harwood: "I watched a game the other day and was a bit disappointed - There were a lot of miscued swipes towards cow corner and no real drama, and when I looked at the scoreboard they had made about 200 - but I couldn't really remember anything about it. It was like eating a Wham bar. Test cricket is more like a plate of marinated artichoke hearts. One dayers are like a burger (more Hamburger Union than Maccy D's) Does this analogy work?" No, to be frank, it doesn't, that though has never been a good reason for anybody not to use an analogy. Test cricket is like a plate of marinated artichoke hearts eh? Christ. Maybe I should give up take my mid-innings cigarette early.

15th over: Chennai 102-3 (Hussey 23 Dhoni 14)Dale Steyn is back on, so I might start writing about the cricket again. His first ball is too quick for Dhoni, who tries to pull but instead gets nailed on the thigh. Like Steyn, Matthew West is a man determined to stop me from giving up all hope/ interest whatsoever just yet: "You could keep the self proclaimed 'Smoking kills' brigade quiet by having the Nagpur Niquitins or the Allahabad Alan Carr's Easy Way to Stop Smokings. No need to go mad on the teams, just get some county championship Dave Podmore-style time servers in - ya know Saggars, Ormond, Harmison. Kit them out in unsold '99 world cup replica kits - just scrub out Stewart, Mullally and so on with black marker and put on some sticky labels with their name. Jobs a goodun. They'll still beat Mumbai so no one will ask any questions." Outstanding. Dhoni feeds one four through fine leg, and then dashes another through mid-wicket. Steyn responds by ripping one past the outside edge and then beating Dhonin all ends up with a bouncer.

16th over: Chennai 115-3 (Hussey 36 Dhoni 14)Akhil comes on, and, picking him out as the seven-stone weakling of the attack Hussey drops onto one knee and thrashes a six over square leg for six, and then repeats the shot exactly for another six next up. He tries it a third time but is undone by the fact it was a slower ball. Akhil comes back well, and pitches the next two balls up on the stumps, and the batsmen can manage onyl two from the following four balls.

17th over: Chennai 132-3 (Hussey 45 Dhoni 22)Four emails then. And two of them from Matt West. Sod you all. Akhil, I'm told, has broken a finger fielding a return drive in that last over and won't be batting come the Bangalore innings. Kallis pitches wide and full. Hussey sweeps four through fine leg, and then plays a very ungainly Chinese cut to the same area for four more. He drives the next one straight into their unmpire's hip, and then Dhoni slashes a six over long-off. Well Kallis got fairly mullered in that over. It woud have been worse had the ump not got in the way of that sure-to-be-four hit by Hussey.

18th over: Chennai 140-3 (Hussey 47 Dhoni 23)Harkan Sumal has decided to educate Jon Harwood in art of constructing analogies. Lesson 1: "I put it to you that Test cricket is a pint of mild that needs to settle, and then is supped/nursed over an extended period of time. One-dayers are the alcopops of cricket, and Twenty20 is a filthy slug of Absinthe that you cannot for the life of you remember the next day, but which leaves you with some sort of vague aching regret."

19th over: Chennai 164-3 (Hussey 47 Dhoni 51)As 'Axel F' rings out around the M Chinnaswamy Stadium, here's lesson 2: "Or… Test cricket is a stroll along a coastal path on a warm summer's day, one-dayers are a jog to the paper-shop for a six-pack of Hoffmeister (the missing Kolkatta Knightriders mascot), and Twenty20 is a barefoot dash across a glass-strewn inner city tennis court." Indeed, the fine art of analogy, helpfully demonstrated by a man who seemingly has a pHd in the topic. Dhoni is crashing fours around the ground, one to long-off, one through fine leg, and then a six over mid-wicket to raise the 150, and then a four through cow corner. The next ball is struck so viciously that it goes straight through the fielder's dive and over the rope. Dhoni moves to fifty, overtaking Hussey. This over: wide, 4, 4, 6, 4, 4, 1.

WICKET! Dhoni 65 c Chipli b Zaheer WICKET! Hussey 47 c 20th over: Chennai 178-4 (Hussey 47 )Zaheer gets the last over, which, thanks to that cunning single, will be delivered to Dhoni. He plays and misses the first, but not the second, which is cracked for four to leg. And that is a six. A slower ball from Khan, lumped over mid-wicket, and then a quciker ball, blasted past long-on. A staggering pair of shots, those, Such arm speed and power from Dhoni. And then, of course, he's out, holed out in the deep. Jacob Oram comes in to stand at the non-striker's end and watch Hussey slap a catch to (guess where?) mid-wicket to end the innings. Just the 76 runs from the last five overs then. And that, ladies and gents, is the innings break.

While I'm off loitering downstairs cursing you all and smoking, have a look at Barney Ronay's red-hot goddamn exclusive interview with a man surely game for Twenty20 even at the ripe old age of 40... Chris 'CC' Lewis. Click here to read that.

1st over: Bangalore 4-0 (Chipli 2 Jaffer 2) The parsimonious Oram opens the bowling, after Bharat Chipli knocks one to leg, his second ball is an uncharacteristic wide. "Someone needs to tell Harbhajan that part of the point of happy slapping is capturing it on camera to show it off on youtube," points out GU sport's own Jeremy Campbell, "Thoroughly disappointed that there is no video of the funniest thing to happen in cricket since, well, since the last time Harbhajan upset everyone. Hooray for Bhajji." And it's another wide from Oram.

2nd over: Bangalore 12-0 (Chipli 7 Jaffer 3) At the other end comes the very impressive Manpreet Gony. Jeremy has an even better point coming up: "They banned aluminum bats a from the MLB a decade ago, as a result of too many home runs being hit in a particular season. They realised it would devalue what many fans came to see - the big slug out of the park. On presentation, the IPL has taken its lead from US sport, under the assumption that the more glitz and glamour, the better. But even the Americans, with their love of the spectacular in sport, know you can have too much of a good thing. They recognised this quickly and acted quickly. Somehow I suspect cricket will not." And that is something I fully agree with. First up: they should stop shortening the boundaries.

3rd over: Bangalore 13-0 (Chipli 7 Jaffer 3) And this email, coming up, pretty much encapsulates the attitude of cricket fans in this country (though Jamie kennedy is actually in Dublin) to the IPL. This is the debate right here: "This match makes Monday afternoons even worse, why should we be interested in an over-hyped, over-paid, pointless competition such as this. It's tabloid cricket – in fact, here you go – Test cricket is like our beloved Guardian – the main event, one-day cricket is like the cheeky (buy quality) upstart that is the Independent and IPL 20/20 is like, well, Sunday Sport – lots of nice pictures but no substance. This match has as much suspense as a Cliff Thorburn v Terry Griffiths play-off for 107th place in the World Snooker Championships."

WICKET! Chipli 8 b Gony 4th over: Bangalore 20-1 (Jaffer 7 Taylor 3) And, from the mood around the cricket fans in our office, about sums it up. And to be fair this match shoes look as though it is going to be rubbish. Chipli is out, playing on to his stumps. Jaffer is like a dwarf in the English channel - clearly out of his depth. That said he has finally hit a boundary, wafted away towards leg. 159 needed from 16 overs.

4th over: Bangalore 32-1 (Jaffer 10 Taylor 14) If you can imagine what it would be like to see an enormous, furious, rabid raven hurtle towards a baby with the clear intention of snatching it up and carrying it off, and then you can imagine what it would be like if the father of that baby was armed with a cricket bat, and he knew that he had but one chance to stop this bird committing murder, and he swung with all his might and killed the beast at the last possible moment before it got to its target, sending the raven's fresh corpse sailing away to the distant horizon, if you can imagine all that, then you can imagine the six that Ross Taylor just hit.

5th over: Bangalore 45-1 (Jaffer 15 Taylor 20) Hell gets icy. Jaffer hits a four. A single puts Taylor on strike and he murders another menacing raven for six more runs over cow corner. 134 needed from 84 balls.

6th over: Bangalore 56-1 (Jaffer 18 Taylor 26) Albie Morkel comes on for a bowl, and after a trio of singles and a wide, Taylor threads a four along the turf through wide mid-wicket. 123 needed from 78 balls.

7th over: Bangalore 70-1 (Jaffer 27 Taylor 29) Palani Amarnath is on for a bowl... and he should have had a wicket first ball, but Gony has dropped the simplest of catches at long-on. A very strange miss: almost as though he did it deliberately to keep the sonmabulic Jaffer at the crease. The fifty run partnership is up from 28 balls. 110 needed from 72 balls..

8th over: Bangalore 82-1 (Jaffer 35 Taylor 33) Morkel swears to himself as Taylor flicks four through fine leg. "Taylor's secret is always to try and get bat on ball" says the commentator, providing a new leading contender for most idiotic observation of the tournament. Jaffer slaps a six over square leg. My jaw hits the desktop. 97 needed from 66.

9th over: Bangalore 93-1 (Jaffer 43 Taylor 36) Joginder Sharma is on. And jee whizz, Jaffer is unleashing all of a sudden... that was a glorious pick-up shot for six, bunting the ball up and down in a neat little arc over the backward square rope. 86 needed from 60 balls.

WICKET! Jaffer 50 c Oram b Amarnath (10th over: Bangalore 102-2 Taylor 36 Kallis 0) Jaffer runS three to third man, where Mike Hussey dives once to flick the ball back into play, scarmbles to his feet and dives again to stop it trundling back into the rope. Great fielding. Jaffer raises his fifty with a brilliantly unorthodox loft over the 'keeper's head for four. He's really come into his own since his tardy start to the innings. And even as I write that, he's out, caught at long-off by a diving Jacob Oram.

12th over: Bangalore 111-2 (Taylor 41 Kallis 7)Kallis is off zero straight away, capitalising on a leg-side half-volley which he knocks away for four. Oh and just in case you thought the lessons were over, her's Harkan again: "Test cricket is Wagner's Ring Cycle. One-dayers are a facsimile of the real thing for those that have slight A.D.D. – namely an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical. And this tosh? This is the collected works of The Darkness. A year or two after their initial whizzbang show bizzy arrival, we'll be ashamed of ourselves for ever having thrown a glance in their general direction. Enough said. Roll on the 15th of May, I say. Harrumph, harrumph."

13th over: Bangalore 119-2 (Taylor 42 Kallis 12)An extraordinarily powerful drive from Kallis - the power of ten pumas and more - whistles the ball right past the cover fielder. So at this point, imagine Chennai are really congratulating themselves on their decision to leave out Muttiah Muralitharan. D'oh. Kallis falls over as he plays a hook and still manages to run the ball away for one - a superb piece of coordination and control. 60 needed from 42 balls.

14th over: Bangalore 127-2 (Taylor 50 Kallis 12)Taylor, who has started to slow up since Jaffer exploded into life, misses a swipe to leg, and is then nearly clean bowled by a molly-grubber. That must have riled him because he absolutely slots the next delivery for six over long-on. 52 needed from 36.

WICKET! Kallis 14 c Dhoni b Sharma 15th over: Bangalore 131-3 (Taylor 50 Boucher 0)Kallis goes, scuttlign across his stumps to drive at a wider one and merely edging it behind for a catch to Dhoni. Boucher is in, in an attempt to close out the run chase. Hussey produces another impeccable piece of ground fielding to save a couple of runs from a thin edge by Taylor.

WICKET! Taylor 53 c Raina b Amarnath (16th over: Bangalore 140-4 (Boucher 2 Kholi 7)The tension is beginning to tell, with 47 now needed from 29 balls. Taylor goes, caught on the drive. At this point you have to say, what the hell is captain Rahul Dravid doing? He's now promoted the India U-19 captain Kholi up above himself in the order as well. I mean I know the guy's not a slogger but still... this is surely the time for a calm head rather than an impetuous youth. Kohli swings and misses. He makes contact with the next ball, swinging it away to leg for four.

WICKET! Boucher 3 c Hussey b Gony WICKET! Dravid 0 lbw Gony (17th over: Bangalore 148-6 (Kholi 11 Kumar 1) And Raina has dropped Boucher in calamitous fashion! Running around to mid-on, trying to track the ball as it flew over his head, but he slipped and dropped it. No matter, Boucher falls next ball. And David is in... and out again. Well suddenly it's easy to see why he held himself back. He played around an inswinger, and was plumb lbw first ball. Shocker. Parveen Kumar is in, and Kohli has finished the over with a four. 31 needed from 18 balls.

WICKET! Kohli b Morkel (18th over: Bangalore 154-7) (Kumar 5 Zaheer 2)Albie Morkel returns. He's taken the wicket that will surely seal this result with his second ball. Kohli is bowled playing across the line, and Bangalore have bottled it in royal fashion. 25 needed from 12.

WICKET! Zaheer 8 run out WICKET! Kumar 8 run out 19th over: Bangalore 162-9) (Akhil 0)Zaheer slices one to cover, and Kumar adds another single, but really this game is dead. Or.Is.It? Zaheer edges four through third man. 19 needed to win from 8. He then runs himself out stretching for an unlikely two, well what else could he do? And the whole thing descends into high farce when Kumar is run out by the new man Akhil next ball, again looking for a run that wasn't there. What nonsense this is.

20th over: Bangalore 165 (Akhil 2) 15 needed from 6 balls, and Akhil, poor lad, is breaking down with that bout of unspecified knack that he suffered earlier in the game. He shouldn't be out here, poor fella, but he's been jiggered by his teammates. Zaheer is running for him. Well anyway, Steyn slaps a catch into the air, he's out, the innings is over and Chennai are still undefeated, having won by 13 runs.

That's that then. Goodness knows how they chucked it away from there, but they did. I'm off, so thanks for your company and emails and I'll see you around these parts soon. Cheerio.