Mild Irritation; and Jocktastic Classmates

THEIR INABILITY TO BEAT EACH OTHER ISN'T THE ONLY THING LIVERPOOL AND ARSENAL HAVE IN COMMON

When he's not busy bearing a passing resemblance to the "groom" at a le$bian wedding, Arsenal midfielder Tomas Rosicky is a big ice hockey fan. Indeed, during their time at Borussia Dortmund, Rosicky and his giant compatriot Jan Koller used to head home to the Czech Republic for their winter break, take to the ice and punch, whack, butt, slam and stamp seven bells out of each other in an annual hockey challenge played in the name of "harmless" fun. But while Rosicky always reported back for football duty with a clean bill of health after his annual Ice Capades, this January it was a comparatively routine tonking of Newcastle (not 25 stone of stick-wielding, skinhead Czech brute nicknamed Dino) that resulted in him getting knacked. Now it seems the Little Mozart could have orchestrated his last on-field sonata until next season.

"Karel [Bruckner, Czech manager] is very worried about it," moaned Petr Krejci, the Czech Republic's team doctor. "Tomas is a big player for us and he would be a big loss. He is already resigned to missing the rest of the Premier League season, so his priority now is the European Championships." And his chances of making them? "If I am being honest I am worried that he will not be fit enough for Euro 2008," confessed Czech FA blazer Vlastimil Kostal while crossing his fingers ... in the hope that Pavel Nedved will make like Evander Holyfield and come out of retirement again.

One man who's even more certain than Rosicky to miss out on the rest of the domestic season and Euro 2008 is Peter Crouch, which is a shame as the in-form Liverpool frontman couldn't be fitter after spending more time resting on benches in recent months than London's entire tramp community. Upset at the lack of game-time he's been getting from Rotatin' Rafa, the notoriously volatile beanpole has expressed his MILD IRRITATION at the lack of opportunities he's been given and ANGRILY STAKED HIS CLAIM for one in Big Cup tomorrow. "Obviously if the manager plays one up front he's more than likely to go with Fernando and rightly so," he thundered in the Crouch-ian equivalent of Naomi Campbell kicking off after seeing her luggage get lost, prompting nearby reporters who couldn't hear to ask him to speak up.

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QUOTE OF THE DAY

"We don't want a 0-0 draw. For us it is important to score" - Liverpool manager Rafael Benitez breaks the habit of a lifetime by pledging his team will go on the offensive against Arsenal in Big Cup tomorrow.

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REVENGE OF THE NERDS (PLUS A CHEAP DIG AT SPURS)

Can't Buy Me Love, Clueless, The Breakfast Club, anything with Freddie Prinze Jr in it ... it's a familiar story. The puny nerd (Human Rights FC) is in love with the beautiful, popular prom queen (Ronaldinho). The, um, beauty though, won't give the nerd a second glance, preferring to hang out at the mall with the nerd's jocktastic classmates (as played by Barcelona and their Big Cup buddies). The jocks nick the nerd's sweets (eh, Subbuteo's Shaun Wright-Phillips), want to steal his precious homework (Micah Richards), and shower him in garbage (Rolando Bianchi).

There the stories diverge. Usually the nerd has some sort of epiphany, realises he just has to Be True To Himself, bravely fights off the bullies and the fair maiden will be won. But in this case, rather than going on a journey that sets him on the course to righteousness and self-realization, the nerd makes an unholy alliance with a wealthy old man with a dubious human rights record and starts throwing his cash around. And, as the years have gone by, perhaps the beauty isn't the looker she once was - she's piled on the pounds and isn't turning up for class. In fact, she's probably a bit more high-maintenance than she's worth, so the jocks aren't quite so keen anymore, and, if anything, would be rather pleased to get shot of her.

So the nerd pops up with a suitcase full of cash and an offer of love, and we wait for an answer as the end credits roll. It's quite a departure from your normal run-of-the-mill teen cliff-hanger, so much so that it has even caught Sven-Goran Eriksson by surprise. "It was the first time I had heard such a thing, so I really hope it is true," said Eriksson of stories in this morning's papers linking the Brazilian has-been with a move to Eastlands. "If they want to package Ronaldinho for me I would accept him and be very happy."

Ronaldinho's brother and Mr 15%, Roberto De Assis, was wined and dined at the City of Manchester Stadium on Saturday, but whether this drama will have a happy ending for the underdog is unclear. Ronaldinho may not be the catch he once was, but news of his discussions with City will not have gone unnoticed by the big boys. Or Tottenham.

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THE RUMOUR MILL

Despite talk that Barcelona are interested in him, Jussi Jaaskelainen will gladly settle for life at either Villa Park or Queen's Celtic Park if it means not having to play Championship football under whoever is managing Bolton Wanderers next season.

Despite not being considered good enough to play in Fulham's midfield, Steve Davis is set to become the rope in a tug-of-war between the Pope's O'Rangers (where he is currently on loan) and Reading (who are prepared to pay £1m to the Cottagers for his services).

And Arsene Wenger likes the look of left-footed Lyon tyro Hatem Ben Arfa, 21, possibly because the £11.8m-rated midfielder meets the Arsenal manager's criteria for potential signings of being (a) French, and (b) old enough to drink but not old enough to get served without being carded.

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NEWS IN BRIEF

Marco 'The Matrix' Materazzi has won 'substantial damages' from Express Newspapers after they published a series of "wholly untrue" articles about him in the Daily Star, including: 'What Made ZZ Blow his Top' - 'Your Mum's a Terrorist Wh0re'; 'Zid's Vicious over Wh0re Slur on Mum - The Cruel Taunt that Made Legend Lose It' and, er, 'Zidane's Nutting Butt the Best - He Beats 'Cheat' Ron as the No.1 Bad Boy.'

Chelsea's hopes of sneaking a lucky 1-0 win over Fenerbahce tomorrow suffered a blow after Petr Cech underwent surgery for chin- and lip-knack yesterday. The freak injury occured when an unnamed team-mate accidentally studded Cech in the face in training.

The Pope's O'Rangers might be heading for the SPL title and a place in the semis of Euro Vase, but they've only had one player nominated for the PFA Scotland Player of the Year award: Carlos Cuellar.

Meanwhile across the city, three Queen's Celtic players - Scott McDonald, Aiden McGeady and Barry Robson - make the shortlist. We'd scream conspiracy, but these things are voted for in January, so there's little point.

Lock up your daughters good citizens of Stavanger, Cardiff City are coming! Or at least they might be. The FA will announce its decision on whether the club can represent England in Euro Vase - providing they win the FA Cup - by the end of the month.

Bournemouth chairman Jeff Mostyn has revealed that he has received two bids for the one-time unloved and soon-to-be-ex-club with a possible third in the pipeline.

And in Brazil four players were sent off when all hell broke loose after Juventude's Thiago celebrated putting his side 3-0 up by putting his finger to his lips to quieten Gremio's fans. The opposition players didn't take too kindly to the gesture, with both teams and players from the bench piling in. Why doesn't the same thing ever happen to Frank Lampard, eh?

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WIN! WIN! WIN!

We've a pair of tickets for Manchester United's tonking of Roma at Old Trafford on Wednesday night to give away. To be in with a chance of getting your hands on them, simply click this here link and answer a question on Cristiano Ronaldo that's easier than the Fiver's sister after a night on the alcopop.

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STILL WANT MORE?

If slightly unnerving German Ultras are your thing, don your armour and dive into Rafa Honigstein's thoughts on the Bundesliga's hardcore fans

If crucifix-wearing, gum-chewing, no longer hirsute singing Italian goalkeepers are your thing, let Paolo Bandini tell you all about Walter Zenga's return to Serie A

If five-a-side soccer ruined by lax enforcement of the handball rule is your thing, why not read Steven Wells' blog on basketball?

And in tomorrow's GBP0.80 Big Paper; Football Weekly's Paul Ince talks about the loneliness of life as a football manager; resident scout Steve Claridge tightens his woggle, shouts "Dib! Dib! Dib!" and checks out the latest prospect to receive eight out of 10s across the board; and the crossword gets cryptic for the 24,357th time.

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FIVER LETTERS

"Following the recent arguments among Fiver readers about the use of Tannoy and other trade names in the Letters Page, the Fiver seems to be waving a red flag at a bunch of bulls with last Friday's Fiver. Transit and Bacofoil in the first paragraph! And you didn't even capitalize 'Transit'" - Paul Jurdeczka.

"The major difference between Fiver from Watership Down and the Fiver (Fivers passim) is that the rabbit correctly foretold the future" - Colin Beveridge.

Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk.

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WE DON'T LIKE MONDAY'S EITHER, BUT THIS DOESN'T LIVEN UP THE DAY