The Sound of Schmaltz at the Church of Golf

Sunday at the Masters and the reverential atmosphere is ratcheted up a further notch. There are just a few more sepia inserts in CBS's coverage and the word mystical is said with yet more fervor. And there are more readings from the gospel of Hubert Wind Warren, sorry Herbert Warren Wind, and the place is so humid with religiosity that frankly I would be shocked, but not entirely amazed, if at the close of play today Amen Corner is transformed into Golgotha with the lucky winner playing the part of Jesus Christ and CBS's Ted Nonce, sorry Jim Nance, in the role of the Evangelist before being buried in Butler Cabin only to rise again three days later... all in order to give an exclusive interview with the Golf Channel's Rich Lerner.

Apologies, I may have overdone it on the Jaegermeister and Red Bulls last night - one in my short experience being sufficient to constitute overdoing it when it comes to this odd cocktail - and felt shabby enough to consider declining to blog on Sunday on the grounds that it conflicted with my religious principles (known in the trade as pulling a Liddell) but my professionalism overcame me and so here we are.

Actually, a Church of Golf is, on further thought, no more absurd than a Church of Scientology. And if the members here could be persuaded to not only found it, but fund it, then they might give Mad Tom Cruise and friends a run for their money. When Warren Buffet and Bill Gates are pushing their tithes in your direction you can afford an awful lot of green jackets for the faithful and sidle away a fair chunk of change for your good self.

Perhaps founding a new religion is a bit ambitious but if I'm here next year I'm certainly moving into the music business. The plan being to street-vend CDs which will feature the tracks played as accompaniment to the CBS sepia segments and the compilation being entitled Mood Music of the Masters Volume One. This brand of music known as Schmaltz (think Val Doonican without the wit or attack) is just the easy listening ticket for the discerning golf fan and will fly off the shelves, or, more prosaically, street. Put your green jacket on, your feet up, pour yourself a Jaegermeister and Red Bull and unwind to the sound of Schmaltz.

Anyhow, the live news here is that the wind has yet to get up but, say the experts, is expected to start gusting at speeds approximating 25 mph at 3.02 Eastern Time (8.02 GMT) so watch out for that. And Ian Poulter has birdied the first two holes.

The winner, or crucifixee, is likely to be Trevor Immelman, who will be the first Trevor to win a Major. Four years ago Ernie Els said 'he has a helluva game and great determination and will definitely be the next great South African player.' It might also be Brandt Snedeker, or Sneds as he is known, who looks nearly as American as Greg Norman. The Great White Flag, following his marriage to Chris Evert, being the most American person on the planet.

If the leaders falter then my pre-tournament pick (I can show you the text if you insist) Paul Casey has a great chance. As does Tiger Woods, but you knew that already.