Manchester United 4-0 Aston Villa

70 min: Mellberg gives the ball away 30 yards from his own goal. Tevez rolls it to Ronaldo, who slips it to the totally unmarked Rooney, who brings his tally of expert finishes for the day to two. United are playing well. But Villa are rancid.

GOAL! (Rooney 70')

69 min: Villa change: Harewood off, Salifou on.

68 min: United amble through Villa, who are again reprieved by shoddy finishing, this time Rooney hitting the outside of the post from 12 yards.

66 min: Shocking miss by Tevez, who somehow heads wide from TWO YARDS after a cross from Hargreaves. Needless, all of the United players involved in the move were unmarked. Villa are annoyingly inept at the back and in the middle. They're marginally better going forward, thanks to Young and Agbonlahor who are occassionally menacing.

64 min: Woeful shot by Tevez, who laughs to show that he sees the funny side of a lavishly paid professional shanking the ball 20 yards wide from half that distance.

62 min: United changes: Ferdinand, Carrick and Evra off, O'Shea, Anderson and Hargreaves on. No sign of Osbourne yet, Villa fans.

60 min: Free-kick to Villa 25.67 yards from goal. And it didn't get much closer, Maloney's effort squirting straight into the wall. "When is my boy O'Shea going to get more of a run in with the squad?" wails Joseph Murray. "I thought Brown was on his way out after this season so shouldn't the Waterford man get some more time?" No. Ferguson should make the most of Brown while he has him, which may be for many years yet as Brown would be mad to leave - he's certainly not going to get a comparable club. And if Brown does go (in fact, even if he doesn't) Ferguson will likely buy a top-notch replacement rather than resort to O'Shea, who's the definitive squad player.

57 min: Petrov makes a token show of resistance with a long-range shot that Kuszczk palms over the bar.

54 min: Laursen was caught flat-footed as Ronaldo flicked the ball behind him. Rooney sprinted on to it and expertly rounded Carson to complete the sort of finish that's so often beyond him. Fine goal.

GOAL! Rooney (54')

53 min: Mesmerci move by United, whose midfield runners are simply being ignored by their dozey Villa counterparts. Scholes concluded that move by clipping the ball to the back post, where Ronaldo volleyed against the bar and over.

51 min: TWO TERRIBLE MISSES, one at each end! After Rooney shamefully (and oh so typically) dragged the ball wide from 10 yards after a nice one-two with Tevez, Villa sent a long ball downfield that somehow eluded the entire United defence. Maloney latched on to it and from 12 yards with only the keeper to beat, he pulled a low shot wide.

49 min: Villa have begun this half well, Young proving particularly problematic to the United defence. He would even have been one-on-one with Kuszczk if Harewood had managed to return his slick pass.

47 min: Now there's a thing: Bouma ambled forward, sold a hilarious dummy to Brown, and curled a reasonable shot towards goal. Kuszczak saved handily.

46 min: No changes during the break. "In defence of O'Neill," blubs Niall Harden. "He is working with the smallest squad in the premiership. When Barry got sent off earlier in the season and picked up a ban, we lost our captain, and drafted in who? Isiah Osborne? That combined with a couple of injuries (not least to Agbonlahor) and it was inevitable that the wheels would come off to some extent."

45 min: Half-time. Forget going into the dressing room, Villa might as well go all the way home.

44 min: Rooney curls an absurd shot into the stand from 30 yards.

42 min: Some signs of life from Villa, who've sent a few decent crosses into the box in the last minute or so. How clever of them to wait until Carew had gone off to do that. Young also fired a 20-yarder over the bar. "Is Martin O'Neill any good?" toots Gary Naylor. "Keeping Leicester in the Premiership, a few cup finals and beating one rival to the Scottish title isn't the most dazzling of CVs." I'll tell you this, Gary, he's far better than Sven-Goran Eriksson - has he ever bought a decent striker? Not that Carew and Harewood are decent, of course, but Chris Sutton, for example, was revitalised under O'Neill.

38 min: Carew is hobbling. Word is he's pulled his groin (isn't that Ashley Young's speciality?) and he'll be replaced by Shaun Maloney. Yes, that's just happened now. See that Gavin Hutchinson? Another correct forecast.

37 min: It's a turkey shoot now, Villa having completely disintegrated. Scholes, Rooney and Giggs all could have added a third in the last 100 seconds or so. "Reo-Coker is in the defense for probably the first time in his career ," howls George Templeton. "That's how bad Zat Knight is - the manager will do anything, and I mean anything, to keep him out of the there!" Do you really mean anything?

34 min: Manchester United 2-0 Villa What a sorry shower Villa are. United prised them apart effortlessly, sweeping forward until Scholes knocked it wide on the right to Ronaldo, who clipped a lovely ball to the totally unmarked Tevez, who nodded past Carson from eight yards.

GOAL! (Tevez 34')

32 min: I should point out that Reo-Coker appears to be playing at right-back or, to be more precise, appears to be being tortured by Ronaldo, Rooney, Evra and everyone else who saunters down that channel. "As I watch the game on my Sony 42 inch projection TV with a crystal clear picture, I have nothing but praise through clinched teeth for Ronaldo," brags Chuck Mullam. "Now that was a cheeky goal! What possible other ways can he score? My money is on a deflection off his backside ..." The real question, of course, is just how would United score without Ronaldo?

30 min: Giggs curls in a free-kick that Laursen butts clear.

27 min: Humdrum stuff now. "Hi Paul, Your predictions are always logical, well researched and eloquent" begins Gavin Hutchinson innocently enough, before revealing the obscene and twisted bile behind his gentle facade. ". However, they're almost inevitably proved incorrect and I've paid for several holidays by betting against your predictions on Bolton, Villa, Egypt and Lyon over the years. Now, you've repeatedly tipped Bolton to go down this season, so I'd normally back them to stay up, but I actually believe in this case Megson's general incompetence will outdo your reverse Nostradamus effect. Any chance you could tip Bolton to stay up though, just to ease my dilemma?" Absolutely not, the only tip I'll give you is to re-read my prediction so that you can discover that you are entirely wrong and I'm usually right. My lofty standing the Pick the Score league attests to the fact that I always know what I'm talking about. Except, I must admit, when contending with a banjaxed TV.

23 min: Bouma booked just for the hell of it. Oh hold on, apparently it was for a foul on Tevez.

20 min: Seemingly ignorant of the long-established tradition, Villa are actually seeking an equaliser, Harewood toiling admirably to create space for a shot from the edge of the United box ... before thwacking the ball 45 yards wide.

17 min: Manchester United 1-0 Villa After a United corner the ball bobbled around the box before coming to Ronaldo eight yards out. With little room to manoeuvre the Portuguese trickster produced an outrageous flick through Laursen's legs and into the net. Simply magnificent!

GOAL! BY RONALDO OF COURSE (17')

13 min: It's a sprightly enough game so far, Villa not having folded just yet. Indeed they worked a slick opening just a moment ago, only for Carew to spoil matters by controlling Petrov's pass with his hand. By the way, ever wondered what's on Niall Harden's mind? In fact, ever wondered who Niall Harden is? Me neither. But from the following I'm guessing he's a Villan. "Depressing Moments in Every Aston Villa Game This Season: Isiah Osborne comes on with fifteen minutes left and does nothing".

10 min: Still a bit hazy, but the picture on the TV has improved. That beating seems to have done the trick. Meanwhile on the pitch, Carson has just dived full-length to tip a Ronaldo volley out for a corner.

6 min: Through a black-and-white blur on the cursed guardian.co.uk TV screen I can just about dinstinguish Rooney's rifling a decent effort towards goal. A blob, which I'm assuming is a Villa defender, cleared off the line. In other news, I've just punched the TV.

2 min: Ooops! The match has started and my TV's just gone on the blink. Bare with me, won't you ... or jsut bear if you're prudish.

Preamble:
So, following their preposterous comeback against their Bolton bogeymen, can Arsenal's afternoon possibly get better? Not if that means an Aston Villa victory - few visitors to Old Trafford are so feeble, so so frequently as Villa. And now that their form has collapsed in the wake of this seemingly innocuous article by harmless little me, anything other than an easy United victory seems unlikely. Still, stranger things have happened. Indeed, if you've heard of any such stranger things, please let me know.

"The only question here is the manner of the defeat my beloved Villans will suffer today," sobs George Tempelton correctly. "Will they hold out for 65+ minutes against the Mancs like they did in the FA Cup before capitulating? Or will they threaten an upset and take an early lead like they did in the first league fixture only for the game to collapse like the American dollar and get stuffed? Or will they just be thumped completely for 90 minutes like most of the time they play stinking Man U?"

Teams:Manchester United: Kuszczak, Brown, Ferdinand, Vidic, Evra, Ronaldo, Carrick, Scholes, Giggs, Tevez, Rooney.

Villa: Carson, Reo-Coker, Mellberg, Laursen, Bouma, Agbonlahor, Petrov, Barry, Young, Harewood, Carew.