Manchester United 1-0 Aston Villa

20 min: Seemingly ignorant of the long-established tradition, Villa are actually seeking an equaliser, Harewood toiling admirably to create space for a shot from the edge of the United box ... before thwacking the ball 45 yards wide.

17 min: Manchester United 1-0 Villa After a United corner the ball bobbled around the box before coming to Ronaldo eight yards out. With little room to manoeuvre the Portuguese trickster produced an outrageous flick through Laursen's legs and into the net. Simply magnificent!

GOAL! BY RONALDO OF COURSE (17')

13 min: It's a sprightly enough game so far, Villa not having folded just yet. Indeed they worked a slick opening just a moment ago, only for Carew to spoil matters by controlling Petrov's pass with his hand. By the way, ever wondered what's on Niall Harden's mind? In fact, ever wondered who Niall Harden is? Me neither. But from the following I'm guessing he's a Villan. "Depressing Moments in Every Aston Villa Game This Season: Isiah Osborne comes on with fifteen minutes left and does nothing".

10 min: Still a bit hazy, but the picture on the TV has improved. That beating seems to have done the trick. Meanwhile on the pitch, Carson has just dived full-length to tip a Ronaldo volley out for a corner.

6 min: Through a black-and-white blur on the cursed guardian.co.uk TV screen I can just about dinstinguish Rooney's rifling a decent effort towards goal. A blob, which I'm assuming is a Villa defender, cleared off the line. In other news, I've just punched the TV.

2 min: Ooops! The match has started and my TV's just gone on the blink. Bare with me, won't you ... or jsut bear if you're prudish.

Preamble:
So, following their preposterous comeback against their Bolton bogeymen, can Arsenal's afternoon possibly get better? Not if that means an Aston Villa victory - few visitors to Old Trafford are so feeble, so so frequently as Villa. And now that their form has collapsed in the wake of this seemingly innocuous article by harmless little me, anything other than an easy United victory seems unlikely. Still, stranger things have happened. Indeed, if you've heard of any such stranger things, please let me know.

"The only question here is the manner of the defeat my beloved Villans will suffer today," sobs George Tempelton correctly. "Will they hold out for 65+ minutes against the Mancs like they did in the FA Cup before capitulating? Or will they threaten an upset and take an early lead like they did in the first league fixture only for the game to collapse like the American dollar and get stuffed? Or will they just be thumped completely for 90 minutes like most of the time they play stinking Man U?"

Teams:Manchester United: Kuszczak, Brown, Ferdinand, Vidic, Evra, Ronaldo, Carrick, Scholes, Giggs, Tevez, Rooney.

Villa: Carson, Reo-Coker, Mellberg, Laursen, Bouma, Agbonlahor, Petrov, Barry, Young, Harewood, Carew.