Manchester United 3-0 Liverpool

Man Utd 3-0 Liverpool (Nani 80): More industrious string-pulling from Rooney, who feeds Nani. He pelts a few strides along the edge of the Liverpool penalty area before swiveling and whipping a low drive into the bottom left-hand corner.

Man Utd 2-0 Liverpool (Ronaldo 78): Corner for United, Reina comes to claim it, gets nowhere near it and Cristiano Ronaldo heads into the empty goal. That's No34 for the season.

76 min: "Same old Scousers! Always cheating!" sing the Old Trafford crowd as Fernando Torres goes down hurt after a mistimed tackle from Michael Carrick. That's a bit harsh - poor auld Fernando's been having a rough trot of it this afternoon.

74 min: A mix-up in the Liverpool defence following more good work by Rooney causes the ball to spill into the path of Tevez about five yards out from the Liverpool goal. Reina saves well from the Argentinian's shot.

72 min: Great work by Rooney, who beats two men down the left wing, cuts inside and rolls the ball to Anderson, who slashes it high and wide. Manchester United substitutions: Giggs and Anderson off, Tevez and Nani on.

70 min: Gerrard tries a snap-shot from distance, but the ball flashes wide of the left-hand upright. Despite being down to 10 men (nine if you count the contribution of Dirk Kuyt), they're applying all the pressure at the moment.

67 min: A short spell of Liverpool pressure yields nothing more than a Manchester United counter-attack, which is foiled when Cristiano Ronaldo loses possession. The ball finds it's way to the feet of Fernando Torres, standing in the Manchester United penalty area with his back to goal. The close attention of Nemanja Vidic and Rio Ferdinand prevent him from turning, digging it out or fashioning room for a shot.

66 min: Liverpool substitution: Yossi Benayoun on, Ryan Babel off.

64 min: Liverpool concede a free kick wide on the right, about four yards from the edge of their own penalty area. Ronaldo shoots it straight into the two-man wall of Kuyt and Arbeloa and appeals for a penalty for hand-ball. No penalty is forthcoming.

62 min: Evra dinks a little cross in from the byline, which Ronaldo (or was it Rooney?) heads over the bar from two yards out. Even if whichever of them it was had scored, it wouldn't have counted as Evra was offside.

61 min: Anderson tries a shot from distance which Reina saves comfortably.

60 min: Rio Ferdinand gets booked for kicking the ball away after fouling Fernando Torres. I have to say it looked more like an attempted clearance than an act of petulance to me, but there you go.

58 min: "I'm finding this whole respect to referees thing hilarious," chortles Jon Yates. "Reading an article that begins, 'Chelsea captain John Terry says he would back plans to stamp out the hounding of referees', I couldn't help but laugh in disbelief. Mascherano should indeed have gone off, but will we now see the likes of Rooney and Terry get sent off for dissent? I doubt it. I've been waiting for it for years."

55 min: Peeling off Skrtel and timing his run to perfection, Rooney brings down a long punt from Van der Sar, traps it beautifully and shoots against Reina, who made himself big and saved well. The rebound falls for Anderson, who shoots over the bar. A lucky escape for Liverpool, but the way things are going, it won't be too long before Manchester score their second.

52 min: Free-kick for Manchester United on the edge of the Liverpool penalty area, just left of centre. Ronaldo gets some dip on it, but sends the ball fizzing just wide of the far post. The free-kick was conceded by Alvaro Arbeloa, who brought down Anderson with his arm, earning himself a yellow card for his troubles. All these bookings aren't going to do much to alleviate the persecution complex suffered by many Liverpool fans, but this was as justified as any of the rest of them. That said, the one Fernando Torres got that led to Mascherano's sending off was probably a little harsh, but not the complete injustice Andy Gray seems to think it was.

51 min: Not much going on on the field at the moment - United are stroking the ball around midfield, toying with Liverpool much like a cat would toy with a mouse.

49 min: "I guess Benitez was right, Mascherano really is the new Roy Keane," writes Jimjam. "I'm ridiculously pleased with this comment, by the way - not smug (well, not much), just tickled. I am sitting by my lonesome in South Korea with only your MBM to keep me up to date with the proceedings, so I hope you'll make allowances for my being so easily amused." No problem, Jimjam. Happy Easter. I won't crush your high spirits and sense of wellbeing by pointing out that you're one of about 241 different readers who made that exact point.

48 min: Fernando Torres gets another shove from Ferdinand and glances sulkily at the referee, but makes the very wise decision to keep his mouth shut on this occasion.

47 min: Steven Gerrard tries a pot-shot from distance, which Van der Sar saves fairly comfortably.

46 min: Rooney skins Skrtel down the right wing, before playing a diagonal ball out to the edge of the penalty area. Liverpool clear.

46 min: 11-Manchester United get the second half started, a goal to the good against 10-man Liverpool.

Half-time analysis

"Liverpool are an absolute shambles," writes Everton fan Gary Naylor. "What must their supporters think? A game that really matters being thrown away and all that energy expended on the referee. What a joke."

On Sky, Andy Gray has passed his judgement on the sending off of Javier Mascherano. Apparently it's all referee Steve Bennett's fault that the Argentinian, who was already on a yellow card and had been chipping away at Bennett ever since getting it, ran 40 yards across the pitch to stick his neb into a dispute that had nothing whatsoever to do with him. How much guff, dissent and backchat does Andy think referees should have to put up with from players before they brandish the yellow card?

Half-time

44 min: That was extraodrinary. Despite winning a free-kick just inside his own half after being fouled by Rio Ferdinand, Fernando Torres got a yellow card for complaining to the referee that he wasn't getting enough protection from him. And having been constantly irritating the referee since getting booked earlier in the half, Mascherano then wandered up and threw in his two cents worth of dissent. With no shortage of justification, Steve Bennett promptly showed him his second yellow, at which point Mascherano went ballistic and had to be escorted off the field by several of his own team-mates, with Steven Gerrard in particular doing his best to pacify him (insert your own "calm down! calm down!" joke here). Refusing to leave the arena, Mascherano was finally escorted off down the tunnel by a member of Liverpool's back-room team after getting a good talking-to from his manager Rafa Benitez. Liverpool are a goal down, have an entire second half to play and only have 10 men left to play it with. Rafa Benitez is spitting feathers.

43 min: Javier Mascherano gets sent off after picking up a second yellow card for dissent.

40 min: That clanging sound you can hear is Pepe Reina dropping another clanger. Having made a straightforward save from a Rooney header, he promptly throws the ball straight to Anderson about 25 yards out from the Liverpool goal. Unable to believe his good fortune, the Manchester United midfielder sends a snap-shot high over the crossbar.

38 min: Wes Brown, eh? That rustling sound you can hear are hundreds of thousands of first-goalscorer betting slips being crumpled up and thrown away in disgust the length and breadth of the UK and Ireland.

36 min: Aware that it is now 10 hours since Liverpool scored a goal against Manchester United in the Premier League (I think), Rafa Benitez sends Peter Crouch out to start limbering up on the sideline.

Man Utd 1-0 Liverpool (Brown 34): No, really. Wes Brown. Another shocker from Reina, who comes out to contest a Rooney cross from the left with the full-back and his own team-mate Martin Skrtel, only to see the ball bounce off Brown's back, loop over his head and drop into the empty goal.

33 min: Clearly horrified by my treatment at the hands of the incompetent monopolists Setanta Sport, Pepe Reina almost palms a Giggs cross into his own net, only to punch it clear before it crosses the line.

29 min: "Presuming Andrew Purcell is enlisted in the forces of good (and doesn't wish to enrich the coffers of incompetent monopolists Setanta Sport), he could venture to the Kinsale Tavern on 3rd Ave. and E. 94th St. for an Irish breakfast, a proper pint, the match and the fellowship of Liverpool supporters: a combination exceedingly difficult to beat.," writes Lou Roper. Don't get me started on the incompetent monopolists of Setanta Sport, who have cancelled my subscription. Despite my insistence that I only emailed them to change my method of payment, they insist, incorrectly, that I rang them to cancel the subscription. It's an epic tale of ongoing woe, but I won't bore you with the details.

26 min: A trademark Steven Gerrard volley from about 25 yards out clips Nemanja Vidic and fizzes inches over the Manchester United crossbar for a Liverpool corner from which nothing comes.

24 min: Manchester United win a free-kick wide on the right, which Ryan Giggs whips in to the mixer. The ball skims off a Liverpool defender's forehead and drops kindly for Cristiano Ronaldo, who sticks out a foot and pokes the ball towards the bottom left-hand corner of the goal. Reina gets down brilliantly to tip the ball around the post, but even if it had gone in the goal wouldn't have counted as the linesman was flagging for offside. I don't think he was offside, you know.

22 min: For the second time in quick succession, a wayward Steven Gerrard pass - this time a short one to Xabi Alonso - gifts possession to United, who go galloping into the Liverpool half. The visitors clear.

20 min: Manchester United stroke the ball around the halfway line, wondering what to do next. Giving the ball to Ronaldo is generally a good idea in situations like that, so that's what they do. He skips in from the left before being dispossessed by Carragher or Skrtel and Liverpool break. Crossed wires between Steven Gerrard and Fernando Torres ensure the swift breakdown of that particular sortie into United territory.

17 min: "I'm in New York, trying to at least listen to the match, which is not on even on pay-per-view here," writes Andrew Purcell. "On Five Live streamed online I get a message saying 'due to contractual obligations this broadcast is unavailable'. Is there any way I can see or listen to this game without going to the pub? I've got a shocking hangover and I just can't face it." Go to the pub, Andrew. A couple of looseners and a bite to eat and you'll be fine. By the sound of things you won't be any worse, so you might as well bite the bullet.

14 min: Free-kick for Liverpool, just inside the Manchester United half. Nothing noteworthy comes of it, but I'm so far into its description now that it's easier just to struggle on to the end of this sentence than to delete the original mention of the free-kick and start writing something else instead.

12 min: Liverpool win a corner, which Steven Gerrard takes short to Fabiano Aurelio. The Brazilian plays a diagonal ball out to Xabi Alonso, who drills a return back to the Brazilian, who slaloms into the left-hand side of the penalty area. From a narrow angle, he rifles a shot high and wide.

11 min: Javier Mascherano gets the first yellow card of the match, for an ill-timed lunge on Paul Scholes.

9 min: Paul Scholes sends a chest-high ball past wafting past Rooney, who beats the offside trap but fails to get a toe to the ball and divert past Reina. He clatters the goalkeeper, apologises and then turns to wave his apologies to Scholes the provider. It's a lively start, with Manchester United enjoying much the better of it.

5 min: Wayne Rooney wastes the first scoring opportunity of the match after a mistake by Jamie Carragher. Anderson played a delightful through ball from midfield into Rooney's path, Carragher gave him too much room and got beaten for pace, only to see Rooney fire a shot straight at the onrushing Jose Reine. The Manchester United striker appealed for a penalty and it looked like a good shout, as Carragher didn't get anywhere near the ball when he lunged in with a last-ditch tackle. If Rooney had gone down, Steve Bennett would almost certainly have blown his whistle and pointed to the spot.

3 min: A free-kick for Manchester United, with Fernando Torres having been penalised for an infringement in the penalty area after Giggs had been robbed in possession by Mascherano out on the right wing and a cross was sent in to the box.

2 min: United line up with Michael Carrick dropping deepest of the central midfield trio. Looks like he'll be keeping an eye on Steven Gerrard this afternoon, with the Liverpool skipper having been given the brief of surging forward to aid and abet loan striker Fernando Torres whenever Liverpool counter.

1 min: Liverpool's players line up in white shirts with red trim, black shorts and white socks, while Manchester United's are attired in their usual home strip of red shirts, white shorts and black socks. The visitors kick off and lump the ball towards the Stretford End.

Pre-match niceties: Click-clack! Click-clack! Click-clack! The teams emerge from the tunnel, down by one corner of the Stretford End at Old Trafford, prompting Sky to head off for an ad break in which a bank, some superheroes figurine collection or other and a popular brand of lager receive expensive plugs.

An email from - who else? - Gary Naylor "Never mind Fernando and the drums," he says, alluding to my oh-so-hilarious photo caption. "Will today's showdowns be cases of The Winner Takes it All? Chelsea's Money, Money, Money has given them the depth of squad, but will Avram's appeal to Roman to Take a Chance on Me pay off with a title? Sir Alex knows that The Name of The Game is playing the full 38 match season at full throttle - the rotating Rafa seems to have learned that lesson. Arsenal are in free fall, so will van Persie accept Arsene's Voulez-Vous to prove his goalscoring pedigree in answer to the SOS call? This could be a Waterloo for Arsenal. Hasta manana."

I don't know whether to laugh or weep.

Preamble

Never mind chocolate eggs and movable feasts commemorating the resurrection of Jesus Christ, anyone with a subscription to a certain satellite sports channel knows that today is really all about the sensationally exciting Manchester United v Liverpool and Chelsea v Arsenalclashes in the Premier League. The hype-merchants have dubbed it Grand Slam Sunday, with the rugby-related moniker obviously a nod to the kind of fare history suggests will be served up in the first of today's two games.

In a fixture that's normally about as much fun as being forced to attend the stations of the cross in a cold Irish Catholic church on Good Friday, a win for Manchester United will catapult the league leaders six points clear of Arsenal at the top of the table, for a couple of hours at least. Should Liverpool triumph, they'll pull five points ahead of their Merseyside rivals Everton in the race for the fourth Champions League qualifying spot. Worryingly for those of us who aren't that bothered who prevails, both teams would probably be happy to settle for a draw - a view that's confirmed by Sir Alex Ferguson's team selection, which features Paul Scholes, Michael Carrick and Anderson in midfield, in front of a defence featuring fit again Rio Ferdinand. Edwin van der Sar also returns from injury and starts in goal.

Despite having failed to score against Manchester United in six of their Premier League encounters since Rafael Beitez took over, Liverpool arrive at Old Trafford having won their last seven matches in all competitions since their FA Cup humiliation at the hands of Barnsley. What's more, they've scored 18 goals in the process. Manchester United have won five of their last seven in all competitions, drawing one against Lyon in the Champions League and losing against Portsmouth in the FA Cup. It's also worth noting that they have the wood on Liverpool in a big way, with six wins to their name in the last seven meetings between the teams.

Earlier this season, Manchester United won 1-0 at Anfield, courtesy of a late first half strike from Carlos Tevez, making it 17 Premier League wins for Manchester United in this fixture (to Liverpool's seven) since the invention of top flight English football by Sky Sports in 1992. While recent encounters between the two sides would suggest that we've got nothing more than 90 minutes of extreme tedium ahead, with Fernando Torres and Cristiano Ronaldo both banging in goals for fun this season, here's hoping these bitter north west rivals serve up a long overdue humdinger.

Today's cast of characters

Man Utd: Van der Sar, Brown, Ferdinand, Vidic, Evra, Ronaldo, Scholes, Carrick, Anderson, Giggs, Rooney.Subs: Kuszczak, Hargreaves, Nani, O'Shea, Tevez.

Liverpool: Reina, Arbeloa, Carragher, Skrtel, Aurelio, Mascherano, Alonso, Kuyt, Gerrard, Babel, Torres.Subs: Itandje, Hyypia, Riise, Benayoun, Crouch.Referee: Steve Bennett (Kent)