Manchester United 1-0 Liverpool

Man Utd 1-0 Liverpool (Brown 34): No, really. Wes Brown. Another shocker from Reina, who comes out to contest a Rooney cross from the left with the full-back, only to see the ball bounce off the Manchester United defender's shoulder and into the empty goal.

33 min: Clearly horrified by my treatment at the hands of the incompetent monopolists Setanta Sport, Pepe Reina almost palms a Giggs cross into his own net, only to punch it clear before it crosses the line.

29 min: "Presuming Andrew Purcell is enlisted in the forces of good (and doesn't wish to enrich the coffers of incompetent monopolists Setanta Sport), he could venture to the Kinsale Tavern on 3rd Ave. and E. 94th St. for an Irish breakfast, a proper pint, the match and the fellowship of Liverpool supporters: a combination exceedingly difficult to beat.," writes Lou Roper. Don't get me started on the incompetent monopolists of Setanta Sport, who have canceled my subscription. Despite my insistence that I only emailed them to change my method of payment, they insist, incorrectly, that I rang them to cancel the subscription. It's an epic tale of ongoing woe, but I won't bore you with the details.

26 min: A trademark Steven Gerrard volley from about 25 yards out clips Nemanja Vidic and fizzes inches over the Manchester United crossbar for a Liverpool corner from which nothing comes.

24 min: Manchester United win a free-kick wide on the right, which Ryan Giggs whips in to the mixer. The ball skims off a Liverpool defender's forehead and drops kindly for Cristiano Ronaldo, who sticks out a foot and pokes the ball towards the bottom left-hand corner of the goal. Reina gets down brilliantly to tip the ball around the post, but even if it had gone in the goal wouldn't have counted as the linesman was flagging for offside. I don't think he was offside, you know.

22 min: For the second time in quick succession, a wayward Steven Gerrard pass - this time a short one to Xabi Alonso - gifts possession to United, who go galloping into the Liverpool half. The visitors clear.

20 min: Manchester United stroke the ball around the halfway line, wondering what to do next. Giving the ball to Ronaldo is generally a good idea in situations like that, so that's what they do. He skips in from the left before being dispossessed by Carragher or Skrtel and Liverpool break. Crossed wires between Steven Gerrard and Fernando Torres ensure the swift breakdown of that particular sortie into United territory.

17 min: "I'm in New York, trying to at least listen to the match, which is not on even on pay-per-view here," writes Andrew Purcell. "On Five Live streamed online I get a message saying 'due to contractual obligations this broadcast is unavailable'. Is there any way I can see or listen to this game without going to the pub? I've got a shocking hangover and I just can't face it." Go to the pub, Andrew. A couple of loosener's and a bite to eat and you'll be fine. By the sound of things you won't be any worse, so you might as well bite the bullet.

14 min: Free-kick for Liverpool, just inside the Manchester United half. Nothing noteworthy comes of it, but I'm so far into its description now that it's easier just to struggle on to the end of this sentence than to delete the original mention of the free-kick and start writing something else instead.

12 min: Liverpool win a corner, which Steven Gerrard takes short to Fabiano Aurelio. The Brazilian plays a diagonal ball out to Xabi Alonso, who drills a return back to the Brazilian, who slaloms into the left-hand side of the penalty area. From a narrow angle, he rifles a shot high and wide.

11 min: Javier Mascherano gets the first yellow card of the match, for an ill-timed lunge on Paul Scholes.

9 min: Paul Scholes sends a chest-high ball past wafting past Rooney, who beats the offside trap but fails to get a toe to the ball and divert past Reina. He clatters the goalkeeper, apologises and then turns to wave his apologies to Scholes the provider. It's a lively start, with Manchester United enjoying much the better of it.

5 min: Wayne Rooney wastes the first scoring opportunity of the match after a mistake by Jamie Carragher. Anderson played a delightful through ball from midfield into Rooney's path, Carragher gave him too much room and got beaten for pace, only to see Rooney fire a shot straight at the onrushing Jose Reine. The Manchester United striker appealed for a penalty and it looked like a good shout, as Carragher didn't get anywhere near the ball when he lunged in with a last-ditch tackle. If Rooney had gone down, Steve Bennett would almost certainly have blown his whistle and pointed to the spot.

3 min: A free-kick for Manchester United, with Fernando Torres having been penalized for an infringement in the penalty area after Giggs had been robbed in possession by Mascherano out on the right wing and a cross was sent in to the box.

2 min: United line up with Michael Carrick dropping deepest of the central midfield trio. Looks like he'll be keeping an eye on Steven Gerrard this afternoon, with the Liverpool skipper having been given the brief of surging forward to aid and abet loan striker Fernando Torres whenever Liverpool counter.

1 min: Liverpool's players line up in white shirts with red trim, black shorts and white socks, while Manchester United's are attired in their usual home strip of red shirts, white shorts and black socks. The visitors kick off and lump the ball towards the Stretford End.

Pre-match niceties: Click-clack! Click-clack! Click-clack! The teams emerge from the tunnel, down by one corner of the Stretford End at Old Trafford, prompting Sky to head off for an ad break in which a bank, some superheroes figurine collection or other and a popular brand of lager receive expensive plugs.

An email from - who else? - Gary Naylor "Never mind Fernando and the drums," he says, alluding to my oh-so-hilarious photo caption. "Will today's showdowns be cases of The Winner Takes it All? Chelsea's Money, Money, Money has given them the depth of squad, but will Avram's appeal to Roman to Take a Chance on Me pay off with a title? Sir Alex knows that The Name of The Game is playing the full 38 match season at full throttle - the rotating Rafa seems to have learned that lesson. Arsenal are in free fall, so will van Persie accept Arsene's Voulez-Vous to prove his goalscoring pedigree in answer to the SOS call? This could be a Waterloo for Arsenal. Hasta manana."

I don't know whether to laugh or weep.

Preamble

Never mind chocolate eggs and movable feasts commemorating the resurrection of Jesus Christ, anyone with a subscription to a certain satellite sports channel knows that today is really all about the sensationally exciting Manchester United v Liverpool and Chelsea v Arsenalclashes in the Premier League. The hype-merchants have dubbed it Grand Slam Sunday, with the rugby-related moniker obviously a nod to the kind of fare history suggests will be served up in the first of today's two games.

In a fixture that's normally about as much fun as being forced to attend the stations of the cross in a cold Irish Catholic church on Good Friday, a win for Manchester United will catapult the league leaders six points clear of Arsenal at the top of the table, for a couple of hours at least. Should Liverpool triumph, they'll pull five points ahead of their Merseyside rivals Everton in the race for the fourth Champions League qualifying spot. Worryingly for those of us who aren't that bothered who prevails, both teams would probably be happy to settle for a draw - a view that's confirmed by Sir Alex Ferguson's team selection, which features Paul Scholes, Michael Carrick and Anderson in midfield, in front of a defence featuring fit again Rio Ferdinand. Edwin van der Sar also returns from injury and starts in goal.

Despite having failed to score against Manchester United in six of their Premier League encounters since Rafael Beitez took over, Liverpool arrive at Old Trafford having won their last seven matches in all competitions since their FA Cup humiliation at the hands of Barnsley. What's more, they've scored 18 goals in the process. Manchester United have won five of their last seven in all competitions, drawing one against Lyon in the Champions League and losing against Portsmouth in the FA Cup. It's also worth noting that they have the wood on Liverpool in a big way, with six wins to their name in the last seven meetings between the teams.

Earlier this season, Manchester United won 1-0 at Anfield, courtesy of a late first half strike from Carlos Tevez, making it 17 Premier League wins for Manchester United in this fixture (to Liverpool's seven) since the invention of top flight English football by Sky Sports in 1992. While recent encounters between the two sides would suggest that we've got nothing more than 90 minutes of extreme tedium ahead, with Fernando Torres and Cristiano Ronaldo both banging in goals for fun this season, here's hoping these bitter north west rivals serve up a long overdue humdinger.

Today's cast of characters

Man Utd: Van der Sar, Brown, Ferdinand, Vidic, Evra, Ronaldo, Scholes, Carrick, Anderson, Giggs, Rooney.Subs: Kuszczak, Hargreaves, Nani, O'Shea, Tevez.

Liverpool: Reina, Arbeloa, Carragher, Skrtel, Aurelio, Mascherano, Alonso, Kuyt, Gerrard, Babel, Torres.Subs: Itandje, Hyypia, Riise, Benayoun, Crouch.Referee: Steve Bennett (Kent)