Tottenham 2-0 Portsmouth

Tottenham 2-0 Portsmouth (O'Hara 80)

Tottenham 1-0 Portsmouth (Bent 79)

74 min: Glen Johnson sends a wonderful ball in behind the Spurs defence, which Paul Robinson is forced to rush off his line to gather. Kanu beats him to it and sends the limpest, most cowardly header you've ever seen past the keeper and goal wards. Didier Zokora gets back to hack the ball clear, sparing Robinson's blushes in the process. If Kanu had got any sort of power on the header he would have scored,
but he was afraid of getting clattered and bottled it.

71 min: O'Hara tries a shot from distance that bobbles harmlessly wide. He's gone in on the left side of midfield, Steed Malbranque has moved across to the right and Didier Zookora has dropped deep to cover the Michael Dawson-shaped hole left in the centre of Tottenham's defence.

70 min: Tottenham substitutions: Darren Bent and Jamie O'Hara on, Aaron Lennon and Michael Dawson off.

68 min: Like Basil Fawlty trying not to mention the war, I think I've got away with it. For Tottenham, Robbie Keane has a deflected shot on goal that doesn't trouble David James in the slightest.

66 min: Schoolboy error. I've just wiped my left eye with a finger that's smeared in olive oil and - possibly - bits of chilli residue. If you don't hear from me again between now and the end of the match, you'll know why.

65 min: Great work down the left by Berbatov, who gets two crosses in a row into the Portsmouth box, but both are wasted.

63 min: Aaron Lennon makes room down the right once again, but this time he arrows his cross into the stand on the other side of the pitch. That's shocking.

62 min: Still no sign of a goal, but Portsmouth are enjoying more possession in this second half than they did in the first, without actually doing much with it.

60 min: They are very hot, though. I've never eaten such zesty, tangy olives, and the oil they're marinated in is making my fingers skid all over the keyboard of my computer.

57 min: John Utaka gets the first yellow card of the match. I'm not sure why, but the lads on Sky seem to think it was a ridiculous booking. Incidentally, the reason I don't know why he got booked is because myself and my colleagues Scott Murray and Richard Aikman were discussing how tasty the olives-stuffed-with-chilli-and-garlic we're eating are. How Guardian is that?

53 min: "Sorry about the hurling, at least you didn't have to go back for a replay!" writes Paul Mullan, alluding to Birr's tragic 10-point defeat at the hands of Portumna in the All Ireland Club Hurling Championship final in Croke Park last Monday. "I'm watching the game on a Thai TV stream and heard David Pleat wax lyrical about the Tottenham front two: 'They must eat together, drive to training together and maybe even sleep together such is their understanding of each other,' he said. Is Keane and Berbatov's sexuality a secret among journalists? If so, are there any others you could shed some light on?" To the best of my knowledge they're both resolutely heterosexual, not that there'd be anything wrong if etc and so on. I reckon Pleaty probably means they sleep together in a Morecambe & Wise, Bert & Ernie kind of way.

51 min: With the hail sheeting down again, Hermann Hreidarsson concedes a corner. Robbie Keane sends it into the Portsmouth penalty area, where David James gathers comfortably.

49 min: Aaron Lennon makes room for a cross from the right, but with Spurs players queuing up for the delivery in the Portsmouth penalty area, his feeble effort is wildly inaccurate and fails to clear the first man.

47 min: Good work down the left wing by Dimitar Berbatov, whose industrious ferreting wins a corner for Spurs. It's swung in to the mixer and Portsmouth clear. Pompey break down the right, where John Utaka attempts to pick out Pedro Mendes with a pass. His wayward effort is intercepted.

46 min: After emerging from the dressing room, warming up in a pre-second-half huddle and high-fiving each other to within an inch of their lives (is that really necessary?), Portsmouth's players get the second half going.

Half-time analysis of Gary Naylor's first half analysis

Looks like we got ourselves another reader, which makes it four (well, three-and-a-half considering Kev Coady has his head stuck in a book and is worrying frantically about his fantasy football team): "Couldn't help noticing Gary Naylor's incisive contributions to your coverage of cricket and football today, which are all admirable. Couldn't agree with him more about hailstones in your face either- just been out on my bike in it and got ice-cream head. Any chance of there being an orange ball today?" No. In what was a gross dereliction of my journalistic duty, I neglected to report that it stopped hailing down so long ago that the 22 players involved in this game probably aren't even bothering to apply soothing balm to their chapped thighs at half-time.

Half-time

44 min: With the Sky pundits having predicted a goal fest before the game, the commentator - Alan Parry? - is now saying that there's no way it'll remain goalless in the second half. If it's not too late, get your money on 0-0 now! For Tottenham, the slim, svelte Tom Huddlestone sends a screamer fizzing narrowly over the bar.

42 min: Tom Huddlestone tries to play Dimitar Berbatov through the centre, but his languid flick is this much too far ahead of the sprinting striker and David James gets to it first.

40 min: Portsmouth go on a rare attack, which is foiled when - not for the first time - Chimbonda makes light work of dispossessing John Utaka. On the evidence of the first half Spurs are definitely the better side, but they need to be wary of Portsmouth. So they do.

37 min: "One of the drawbacks of Juande Ramos taking over at Spurs is that we can't make any more fat jokes about their players. And what's the fun of a Spurs minute-by-minute report without fat jokes about Tom Huddlestone?" asks George Templeton, who lives in the USA and probably has no shortage of neighbors he can make fat jokes about instead.

33 min: Lennon dispossesses Nico Kranjcar and gallops up the left wing, before cutting inside. He tries and fails to pick out Berbatov, but Sylvain Distin miscontrols his interception and the ball bobbles the Tottenham striker's way anyway. Off balance, he attempts a shot from just inside the penalty area, but his curled effort goes well wide of David James' left upright.

32 min: Tottenham corner, which Huddlestone curls in from the left. Portsmouth clear.

30 min: Tottenham corner. The ball is swung in to the penalty area, Michael Dawson gets in front of his man, chests it down, swings his foot and smashes the ball off the crossbar. That'll be rattling for the next 10 minutes. It's astonishing that there's been no goals in this encounter yet, but not entirely surprising - I've bet on there being more than two.

28 min: Dimitar Berbatov rounds David James and gets the ball into the net for Spurs, but his effort is ruled offside. From Tom Huddlestone had drilled a low ball straight through the centre towards Keane, who picked out a Berbatov run with a neat pass. Unfortunately for the home side, the Bulgarian had mistimed his run by a split second and was correctly penalized for offside.

26 min: With Portsmouth on the attack, Sean Davis spots Nico Kranjcar making a run into the Spurs box and spoons a lofted pass his way. Pascal Chimbonda, who is playing a blinder, reads the danger and intercepts.

25 min: "Hailstones? Petit pois-sized or not, you do not want to be riding a motorbike wearing an open-faced helmet when those little stingers come out to play," writes 50% of my readership, Gary Naylor. "Has hail ever stopped a match? Perhaps it could be arranged for a single gigantic hailstone to hit Ashley Cole tomorrow?"

23 min: It's an exciting, open game this from two teams without a great deal to play for. We could easily have had a couple of goals so far and hopefully it won't be too long before the first one arrives.

19 min: A headed clearance from Sean Davis goes straight up into the air and drops just outside the penalty area, where Pascal Chimbonda is waiting. The Tottenham defender rifles a volley inches wide. Great effort.

16 min: From a good 30 yards out, Sean Davis attempts to chip Paul Robinson, who is off his line. With the ball set to drop under the crossbar, the former England goalkeeper back-pedals, leaps and fists it over the bar. It's a good save, but nothing comes from the corner.

13 min: Free-kick for Tottenham, about 25 yards out, left of center. Tom Huddlestone strikes, it's on target but James saves easily. Despite carrying the ball out of his penalty area, he isn't penalized and quickly throws the ball down on the floor, at which point Robbie Keane sneaks up behind him and tries to nick the ball from his feet. The Irishman's cunning plan is foiled when the Portsmouth goalkeeper is alerted by the excited hubbub from the Spurs fans behind his goal and quickly he hoofs the ball clear.

10 min: Berbatov picks out Keane, who shoots diagonally from left to right about 15 yards out, but David James gets down quickly to save. Moments previously, Pascal Chimbonda went very close to putting the home side ahead, almost dinking the ball over James when a quickly taken Tottenham free-kick was pinged into the mixer and got deflected his way.

9 min: "I have to study this weekend and therefore this means keeping up to date with the Guardian's live service while trying to keep the same level of interest in the books," writes Kev Coady. "But the real interest is my Fantasy football side which has become so obsessive it threatens my degree. So if you could keep me up to date with assists and the like it would be appreciated." Having your degree threatened by fantasy football? How sad. If it was drink and women that was responsible for ruining your education it wouldn't be so bad, but fantasy football?

7 min: Keane and Lennon combine well down the left, but Lucien Aubey, making his first start for Portsmouth, intercepts the latter's cross to concede a throw-in deep in his own half. The ball is flung towards Robbie Keane, but Pedro Mendes hoofs clear.

5 min: Spurs win a free-kick about 35 yards out, right of centre. Tom Huddlestone elects to cross it in when he should perhaps have had a pop at goal. With the wind swirling and the rain pelting down, there's no telling what might have happened.

4 min: It's all Spurs early doors - they're running around industriously, stringing together some nice passing movements but achieving nothing worth talking about.

2 min: Spurs launch an early sortie into the Portsmouth half, but it's curtailed when referee Phil Dowd spots an infringement from a Tottenham player just inside the Portsmouth penalty area. Exaggeration alert: on reflection, those hailstones I alluded to in my last dispatch were more frozen petit pois-sized than golf ball-sized. With my credibility now shot to pieces, I don't really see the point of carrying on as you're not going to believe anything I write from this point on.

1 min: And we're off, with Spurs getting proceedings under way as hailstones the size of golf balls teem down on to the pitch. Ouch!

Obligatory email from Gary Naylor to get the ball rolling: "It's all rubbish this stuff about players not being able to turn out against previous clubs because of loan deals," he harrumphs. "I thought this had been sorted out after Tim Howard was not allowed to play for Everton v Manchester United last season. Portsmouth are paying Defoe's wages, he is already a key player for them and this could be a vital match in pursuit of European qualification. He's a Portsmouth player - end of story - and their traveling support shouldn't be barred from watching him."

I agree completely, Gary. And let's face it, it's not as if he wouldn't be trying - I'd say young Master Defoe would like nothing better than to stick it to his old club by scoring a couple of goals. Anyway, along with Defoe, Portsmouth are missing several other first team regulars, with the likes of Sulley Muntari, Lassana Diarra, Papa Bouba Diop and Lauren all ruled out through injury or suspension. For Spurs, Michael Dawson replaces Ledley King, while Tom Huddlestone gets the nod ahead of Jermaine Jenas.The teams

Tottenham: Robinson, Hutton, Dawson, Woodgate, Chimbonda,
Lennon, Zokora, Huddlestone, Malbranque, Berbatov, Keane.Subs:
Cerny, Kaboul, Tainio, Bent, O'Hara.

Portsmouth: James, Johnson, Distin, Hreidarsson, Aubey, Utaka,
Pedro Mendes, Davis, Hughes, Kranjcar, Kanu. Subs: Ashdown,
Baros, Nugent, Mvuemba, Wilson.

Referee: Phil Dowd (Staffordshire)