Arsenal 0-1 Middlesbrough

26 min: Wheater is booked for a wee trip on Van Persie.

24 min: GOAL!!! Arsenal 0-1 Middlesbrough. What a goal! And it was so simple. Arsenal are fannying around while Schwarzer takes a long free kick down the left. For some reason the back four try to play offside, and suddenly Tuncay is clear down the left. He lifts a first-time cross into the center where Former Arsenal Starlet® Aliadiere awaits to sidefoot high into the net. Wimbledon circa 1987 would have been proud of that as well, which is meant as higher praise than it may possibly read. This is on! This match is on!

20 min: Fabregas toe-punts a Wimbledon circa 1987 up-and-under straight down the middle towards Adebayor, who takes a first-time stab at the ball in the hope of wrong footing Schwarzer. The keeper's hip to this, and snaffles the ball without drama. Refreshing to see Arsenal mix it up a bit. I really miss Wimbledon. Pete Winkleman and those set of clowns at the FA ruined everything.

19 min: Tuncay was by all accounts excellent iin Boro's midweek draw at Aston Villa, and he's looking good here too. He picks the ball up on the left, drives infield, and attempts a clever reverse pass towards Aliadiere. It would have sprung Arsenal's offside trap had it come off, but Toure gets in the way and the danger is cleared. Still, for a second that move looked dangerous.

16 min and a bit: Here, that's a great effort from O'Neil; Tuncay lays the ball back to him from the edge of the area, and the resulting fizzer isn't that far over the bar. This is a nice, open match.

16 min: Corner to Ars... ah why do I even bother mentioning them.

14 min: Toure sprays a long ball from midfield into the Boro area towards Van Persie who, eight yards out, attempts to volley the item dropping at speed over his shoulder into the net. The fresh-air swipe is not short of slapstick merit.

12 min: Boro can't hold onto the ball at all. Aliadiere tries a cute layoff inside to Downing, but Downing isn't there. Flamini strides off; you can almost hear his smile.

9 min: What a delicious move by Arsenal. Eboue slips the ball into the box to Van Persie, who lays off right first time to Fabregas, who in turn strokes a delightful cross onto the head of Adebayor. The striker tries to steer his header into the bottom right, where he's already scored, but the effort doesn't quite come off. That was wonderful one-touch stuff. I've just used up a whole load of superlatives, and there's not even ten minutes on the clock. BAH.

6 min: Eboue crosses from the right - and his out swinging cross skims off the top of the crossbar and away. He was never attempting to score there. Having said Middesbrough have started brightly, the next three minutes have seen Arsenal score an incorrectly disallowed goal and hit the woodwork. The top-quality punditry continues apace, right here. Thank you, my Renamed Website Sport!

4 min: Adebayor is found clear in the area on the penalty spot, and slots the ball cleanly into the bottom right corner past a stranded Schwarzer. He's flagged for offside, and it looks the correct decision as he's miles in front of the Boro back line... but hold on! The ball was played back by Boateng! That should have been allowed to stand, no wonder Adebayor is running around screaming like a small child whose ice cream has just fallen from the cone onto the floor.

3 min: Boro have started pretty brightly, Aliadiere and Downing causing Arsenal some consternation down the left not once, but twice. They even win a corner, the taking of which may as well never have happened.

And we're off! There doesn't sound like much of an atmosphere at the Emirates, though in fairness the crowd will probably be heard as far as Drayton Park station. Arsenal take possession of the ball and pass it round. At least I think they do: the home side are, of course, playing in red-and-white shirts, white shorts and white socks. Boro are playing in white shirts, butterscotch shorts, and white socks. This is like staring at a huge bowl of Angel Delight. Shouldn't away strips be in some way distinctive from the opposition's get-up? This is a farce, is what this is.

Can Arsenal put an end to a run of three consecutive draws and get their title challenge back on track, knocking Manchester United off the top of the table while they're at it (unless they put an end to the run by losing, in which case etc, and so on, and so forth)? Almunia, Sagna, Toure, Gallas, Clichy, Eboue, Fabregas, Flamini, Hleb, Adebayor, Van Persie.
Subs: Lehmann, Senderos, Silva, Bendtner, Walcott.

Can Middlesbrough be any more pathetic than they were last weekend against Cardiff? No. Surely no. Schwarzer, Young, Huth, Wheater, Pogatetz, O'Neil, Shawky, Boateng, Downing, Sanli, Aliadiere.
Subs: Turnbull, Arca, Mido, Cattermole, Taylor.

The ref is, should you really need to know, from Lancashire: Mark Halsey (Lancashire). See?

4.55pm: Derby County 0 - 1 Manchester United HT. Not for the first time, mysticism has been shown up to be complete bunkum. It can't be anything to do with bad punditry.

4.35pm: Well that put the kibosh on that. Derby County 0 - 1 Manchester United. An offside Wayne Rooney crosses to Cristiano Ronaldo, and that's that. There are still time for five more.

4.32pm: Still Derby County 0 - 0 Manchester United. Dear me.

3.47pm: Derby County 0 - 0 Manchester United HT. Hmm.

1.15pm: Arsenal start this match having lost their Premier League lead to Manchester United later this afternoon. United are at Derby, where they will score at least six goals against the most abject shambles of a team ever to grace the top division, and that includes the Stoke City side of 1983/84, a couple of Watfords, and Mick McCarthy's Sunderland. Kick off at the Emirates is at 5.15pm; I'll be back here in plenty of time for kick off. So, 5.13pm it is.