Newcastle United 1 - 5 Manchester United

90 min +1: GOAL!!! Newcastle United 1 - 5 Manchester United. Saha bursts forward and slips the ball to Rooney, who is after his hat-trick. Saha lingered a bit too long on the ball, however, and the chance for Rooney to sprint clear is gone. However he keeps his head, draws Faye wide and slips the ball back to Saha in the center, who slaps home low and hard. Totally selfless: compare and contrast to Emmanuel Adebayor's selfishness at Birmingham earlier today.

90 min: There are going to be three added minutes of this.

89 min: Carrick nearly sets Saha free with yet another precision through ball straight down the middle. He is becoming very, very, very good at those.

87 min: Duff nearly bursts free down the left but... no.

84 min: Newcastle are so, so, so bad at the back. On the edge of the area, Rooney is given an age to toe poke the ball towards Saha, who should score - he's clear, eight yards out - but hammers the ball straight at Harper, who flicks over the bar. This is relegation defending. Newcastle are a complete shower.

83 min: Geremi replaces Milner.

82 min: Smith swings an insouciant boot at the ball on the edge of United's area; his wonderful effort is heading for the top left corner, but Van der Sar arches his back and fingertips away. That would have been the goal of the match, a lovely lazy stroke with the outside of Smith's right boot.

79 min: GOAL!!! Newcastle United 1 - 4 Manchester United. Simply brilliant from Rooney. United immediately go up the other end and nearly score through Scholes, whose header is tipped over the bar adroitly by Harper. Not that it makes any difference; from the corner Smith's weak clearing hack is picked up on the edge of the area by Roonoey, who curls an unstoppable shot into the top right corner.

78 min: GOAL!!! Newcastle United 1 - 3 Manchester United. Carroll does very well indeed to win a corner after chasing a lost cause. The youngster meets the resulting set piece himself, heading weakly forward - but no matter, because Faye is on hand to smash the ball past Van der Sar. There's a brief stramash as Van der Sar kicks the scorer as he fishes the ball out of the net for a quick restart, but nothing the referee deems worthy of comment.

74 min: Nani and Duff tangle, the Newcastle winger losing his rag and nearly belting his opponent, before thinking better of it and opting to simply shout in his face for a while instead. This game is dead.

73 min: Butt is booked for kicking Carrick on the back of the leg. Vidic is replaced by Scholes.

71 min: Milner has been Newcastle's best player by some distance; he tries to slalom through the center and nearly manages it, before Vidic finally nicks it from his toe.

69 min: Newcastle are offering no resistance whatsoever. Smith is brushed off the ball with utter contempt by Fletcher, and yet another flowing move only hits the rocks when Rooney and Tevez over-elaborate.

68 min: The only fans now singing about Keegan are Manchester United ones.

67 min: Former Newcastle striker Louis Saha comes on for Ronaldo, who won't be scoring a hat-trick today.

65 min: N'Zogbia cuts inside from the left and ends a powerful run by hammering a shot over the bar. There is the sense that Manchester United are kicking back and relaxing.

63 min: Van der Sar gets his biggest fright of the night as the ball is nearly looped over him by the head of... Ferdinand. Newcastle are going to be without a win in ten matches after this farce. Now what sort of form is that, do we think? "When some commentators moaned about Harry Redknapp's lack of ambition when he turned NUFC down in favor of staying at a club that actually has a chance of a place in Europe, this was presumably a case of that famous English sense of irony at work," suggests Iain Pearson.

60 min: Newcastle make a change - I hesitate to call it a tactical one - as Barton is replaced by 19-year-old Andy Carroll.

59 min: "There's only one Kevin Keegan," sing some home supporters. Only some though. You can almost hear the scales falling from the eyes of the quieter fans.

55 min: Newcastle United 0 - 3 Manchester United. I'm fed up describing how shambolic Newcastle are at the back. Faye gives the ball away to Tevez, who pings a first-time pass forward to Ronaldo. He's got Taylor to beat, but that's no problem - because the defender slides witlessly in, allowing Ronaldo to shift the ball slightly to the right and away from the challenge. He then scoots towards goal, rounds Harper, and slams the ball into an empty net. United are playing very well, but it's hard to tell how well, because this is an utterly appalling defensive performance from the home side.

54 min: Faye gives the ball away to Tevez in the center circle. United stream forward, the ball being shifted out right to Nani. A cross finds Ronaldo in the center, on the edge of the area - but nobody's perfect, and a wonderful move ends with a shot nearly ballooning out of the stadium. That's something for the home crowd to enjoy, but those are slim pickings indeed. Has it really come to this?

51 min: Duff gets a yard on Vidic in the box but decides to take one touch too many and drifts wide left. By the time he finally gets a shot on target - Newcastle's first of the match - the angle is far too tight and Van der Sar can parry easily. "Once again, Newcastle fold like a wet paper swan," mopes David Preece. "As a fan, I'm not surprised. How could ANYONE be surprised? With performances like this, the Championship seems like a warm nesting place for a couple years right now. Ho, and indeed, hum."

48 min: Duff loops in a cross from the left, but there's nobody on the end of it and Van der Sar catches cleanly. Which you'd expect him to do, as he's under no pressure whatsoever. St James' Park is like a morgue.

47 seconds of the half have elapsed, and Taylor is forced to hack clear with Tevez this close to getting past him and bearing down on goal. Newcastle look extremely nervous, and no wonder.

And we're off again! Shay Given's groin has pinged again; Steve Harper replaces him. Lucky Shay. Meanwhile John O'Shea comes on for Patrice Evra. "What have MBM readers done to be subjected to these tedious references to gridiron?" asks Lou Roper. "It's just cheating at rugby. And in the cases cited here, the 'sport' is played by a team with a most unfortunate, not to say offensive, nickname."

Manchester United from a Liverpool perspective: "Even as a Liverpool fan, I have to admit to being in sheer awe of the way United's forward players move," writes a magnanimous Richard Wood. "I don't ever recall such a fluid attacking line in English football - the players' roles are very loosely defined and in any collection of attacking moves they are almost always in different places." A fair assessment I guess. Of course they are also, of course, facing Newcastle United here: I don't recall seeing such an abysmally organized back line in etc and so on and so forth.

Half-time: Newcastle United 0 - 2 Manchester United. And that's it for 15 minutes or so. The way this is going, another six-goal rout could be on the cards. Manchester United look very confident up front, while Newcastle are a complete shower. One plus point for them, though: Owen could easily have seen red for his studs-up crump on Vidic's knee. "Was Vidic taking too many touches and moving too quickly as well?" asks Tom Hopkins, possibly with reference to Five Live pundit Kevin Ratcliffe's risible analysis of Martin Taylor's dreadful tackle on Eduardo earier today. "I mean, what's a stout English yeoman to do in those circumstances except for dive in studs up? Eh?"

45 min: Kevin Keegan is on the touchline waving his arms frantically at his players. Ah hold on, he's not waving... he's drowning.

44 min: GOAL!!! Newcastle United 0 - 2 Manchester United. Newcastle are a shapeless shambles. Carrick has all the time in the world to slip a ball between Taylor and Faye and release Ronaldo, who bolts down the inside left channel, opens his body out, and side foots home into the bottom-right corner.

42 min: St James Park is almost silent. The home fans are either dreaming of booze, B&H and bingo, or have slipped into a deep funk. Could be either.

39 min: That should have been 2-0. Nani curls in a brilliant cross from the right and plants the ball on Tevez's head, a couple of yards out. Somehow, with the net gaping, he manages to power the ball over the bar. Newcastle are very lucky to get away with that; once again their defence was nowhere to be seen.

37 min: Rooney back heels the ball to Ronaldo in the left-hand side of the Newcastle area. Ronaldo drags his shot across the face of goal and wide right. United are beginning to look very dangerous.

36 min: With Manchester United streaming forward four on two, Nani should have released Tevez clear on goal, but his pass forward was weak and easily intercepted.

34 min: Owen crumps his studs on Vidic's knee and is booked for his trouble. That was an awful challenge. Not quite up there with his one in a Liverpool shirt on Ronny Johnsen back in the day, but still not good. "The comparison of Newcastle to the Redskins seems a bit unfair," writes Ian Copestake. "The Redskins under Joe Gibbs' first decade in charge had continuity and success, something Newcastle have only ever read about. That his second stint ended with him retreating quickly to NASCAR might have more to say about Keegan's prospects."

32 min: Another couple of corners for Newcastle; from the second Smith attempts to send a header goalward, but it's not very good.

31 min: Suddenly, that's much better from Newcastle. Milner, their one hope, cuts inside from the right, turns and fizzes in a low shot which Brown is forced to deflect away for a corner.

30 min: And now Faye is booked for stopping Van der Sar taking a quick throw. Newcastle are not enjoying themselves.

29 min: United - the Newcastle variety - win a couple of corners in a row. It's pressure of sorts I guess, but in over a minute's worth of territorial ascendancy, all Van der Sar has to do is pluck the second corner out of the air. Newcastle are creating nothing.

27 min: N'Zogbia's pain continues; he's booked for upending Rooney.

24 min and 50 or so seconds: Newcastle United 0 - 1 Manchester United. Ronaldo jinks down the left, turning Beye this way and that. He doesn't hang about, whipping in a deep cross towards Rooney, who is coming in from the right and has left marker N'Zogbia, who couldn't be bothered, for dead. The striker side foots powerfully into the roof of the net from six yards: bang. A great goal from an attacking point of view, but the defending was truly abysmal.

24 min: Newcastle scream for a penalty as Owen goes down under a challenge from Ferdinand, but the defender brushes the ball clear before the striker tumbles over his leg. A good decision.

21 min: Nani skidaddles past Beye and dinks a cross towards Tevez, who can't quite get his head to the ball. No matter, the ball is slipped towards Ronaldo, who nips in from the right... and shanks a dreadful shot towards the corner flag.

19 min: Tevez nearly turns Faye ono the edge of the area. But doesn't. Then Carrick storms down the middle and releases Rooney down the right; his cutback is mopped up by N'Zogbia and the ball is wheeched away from the danger zone. But Manchester United are beginning to get the upper hand.

16 min: Duff does wonderfully well to steal the ball from Manchester United and pelt up the left wing, but with N'Zogbia offering himself further up the pitch, he suddenly becomes ponderous and falls over. A complete lack of confidence laid bare, right there.

14 min: Rooney swans into the box from the right and lays the ball across to Nani. He would have done better taking a shot at goal himself, for Nani's effort is easily bundled away by Taylor. "Unfortunately Todd McGregor is right," says George Templeton. "At least the Redskins' last championship season was only 18 years ago, not 50-plus like Newcastle." Fifty plus? Isn't it more like 80? (Which is 50-plus I guess, but you know what I mean.) "But at least Newcastle aren't stuck with their horrible owner for the next 35 years like Redskins fans are."

12 min: Milner is getting plenty of space down the right. He whips in a lovely out swinger between Van der Sar and his back four, but there's no Newcastle player within 15 yards of the area.

10 min: Now it's Butt's turn to send Nani's skull flip-flopping like a pool ball in a sock, as he forearms him away from a 50-50 ball in the centre circle. The ref's not really that bothered by it either way.

9 min: Nothing much happening at the moment bar an aimless skitter down the left from Duff which is easily snuffed out, so here's some analysis, which you're not going to get from me. "With Rooney, Tevez, Nani, and Ronaldo all starting and Carrick representing the closest thing to a recognized defensive midfielder in the side I think Fergie's out to humiliate Keegan here," writes Paul Beaumont, doing my job for me so I don't have to.

7 min: Nani has been lumped upside his head by Beye. He's not particularly happy about the Newcastle man's clumsy leap, but then again he's not really kicking off about it either.

4 min: N'Zogbia whips one in from the left. Owen gets in ahead of Vidic but can only flick the ball wide left. This is a decent start from Newcastle in an attacking sense. Well, you didn't expect one in a defensive sense, did you. Meanwhile Ian Cope stake is deliberately ignoring my colons for the purposes of a cheap joke which may or may not make sense but I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt. "I understand what 'top boozing' is," he writes with reference to Proper Saturday Evening Entertainment, "but 'bottom smoking'?"

2 min: Beye isn't so clever up the other end of the pitch, allowing Nani the freedom of the left wing after roaming inside needlessly. Ronaldo feeds his countryman; luckily for Newcastle Nani's low cross is aimless and hacked clear by Faye.

And we're off! And it's a good start from Newcastle, with Milner troubling Evra down the right and swinging in a half-decent cross which Ferdinand does well to clear. Beye then takes a turn to lump the ball in, but his cross is easily snaffled by Van der Sar. "Newcastle United are the Washington Redskins of English football," suggests Todd McGregor. " Rabid, gullible and hopelessly enthused and unrealistic fan base; state of the art facilities; marketing guru mega-rich owners; endless comic displays of on and off the field; ineptitude by management, players and coaches stretching back decades; bad away kits; overspending on over the hill names; underspending on youth; keeping the wrong guys and letting the good ones get away..." You just know what the payoff is here, don't you. "I support both clubs. *bursts into tears*"

Looking On The Bright Side For Nearly Eight Seconds dept.: "As you could feasibly argue that at least three (if not four) of the goals Manchester United scored during the last meeting were particularly contentious - Rooney blocks Given off for the second goal, for example - this might not be the one-sided goal fest anticipated by most since we collapsed against Villa," writes Toon fan Richard Finch. You might as well accept his argument, he's going to collapse spectacularly any second now. "Although I notice Smith starts up front. Ah well." There you are.

Newcastle United, who are only six points off the relegation places and want to get their gamefaces on quicksmart: Given, Beye, Taylor, Faye, N'Zogbia, Milner, Butt, Barton, Duff, Smith, Owen.
Subs: Harper, Cacapa, Geremi, Ameobi, Carroll.

Manchester United, who have not lost to Newcastle in the league since 2001: Van der Sar, Brown, Vidic, Ferdinand, Evra, Ronaldo, Carrick, Fletcher, Nani, Rooney, Tevez.
Subs: Kuszczak, Anderson, Saha, Scholes, O'Shea.

Referee: Chris Foy (Merseyside)

THE WEBSITE FORMERLY KNOWN AS GUARDIAN UNLIMITED KWIK KWIZ

1. Will Newcastle avenge the six-goal shellacking they suffered at Old Trafford a couple of months back?

A: No.

2. These Saturday evening kick-offs are rubbish, aren't they.

A: Yes.

Kick off is at 5.15pm. Newcastle fans can thank me for tempting fate at 7pm, should my predictions come to pass in the usual manner.