Radio Head

It was the great myth of the 1990s, that Johnny Vaughan and Denise van Outen had any kind of chemistry, and it's testament to the amazing cultural sway of the Chris Evans-loving generation that this entertainment-bond is being revisited on Capital every bloody morning.

Just to recap, here we are at the Big Breakfast, circa 1997. There is nothing between Johnny and Denise, never has been, never will be. They are just two good-looking young people with nice teeth. They were always in a really good mood. Who wouldn't be? They have these ace jobs where all they have to do is chat away and pretend to fancy one another, and the whole world fetes them and sends them free stuff. Life really doesn't get any richer.

And then they went off for a bit, and I never really paid much attention to him to be honest but she, through a combination of relationship trouble and success in the West End, seemed to me to have grown as a person, you know, spiritually. I wondered, when I saw the posters, whether she'd be able to replicate the air-headed subservience to Johnny that made their non-chemistry work. Oh, I couldn't have been more wrong.

Air-headedness is no problem; she can do it standing on her air-head.

In case you haven't yet heard it, here is a taste of the Breakfast Show. Imagine you're Mariah Carey. "So, you've got, like, a record out. And you're also launching a perfume ... " (even Johnny sounds like he's struggling with the puffiness of this). "So what's that like?" "It's kind of spicy, with Moroccan notes," you begin (you're Mariah, remember).

"Gik gik! Did you go round smelling Moroccans? Gik gak gurgle!" Surely that's not the voice of a grown woman? "So, you're doing some dates in the UK, will they be stadium dates?" "No, I'd like it to be really intimate ... " "Gur-hur! Like, in a caravan? Gik gik! Hurrrrr ... " I don't want to stick the boot in. Let's just say that Denise is one of those people who works a lot better when you can see her.