The Celeb Sex Tape That No One Wants to See

Final proof that the internet is over comes with the emergence online of a grainy, apparently covertly shot sex tape that appears to feature (wait for it) Gene Simmons, the famously obnoxious 58-year-old bassist for the glam-rock band Kiss, with a woman who is not Shannon Tweed, his partner of over 20 years. "Watch the sex tape Gene doesn't want you to see!" suggests the website that's charging $10 for the privilege. As an advertising pitch, this is problematic, since Lost in Showbiz - presumably in common with most people - does not want to see it either, raising the prospect of an alternative, non-conflictual resolution to this dilemma, in which one opts not to watch the video, minimizing both Gene's annoyance and the viewer's distress.

Except, of course, that it's hard to shake the idea that Simmons might be in on the act somehow, and that the footage of him having sex with a model while wearing some kind of vest - we've viewed one or two carefully censored stills, which was enough - is part of a misguided attempt at career resurrection. The model, named Elsa, is reported to be a paid promoter of a concoction called Frank's Energy Drink, which counts Simmons among its endorsers - a coincidence that only adds to our suspicions.

Simmons is said to be furious; breathing fire and spitting blood, no doubt, and screaming and summoning the devil. But it's too late for recriminations now. We have heard the phrases "Gene Simmons" and "sex tape" in the same sentence. Furthermore, a vest has become involved.

The damage has been done.