England 2 - 1 Switzerland

90 min: The Swiss have been taking notes from England: they pass it around the middle quite a lot and go absolutely nowhere.

88 min: Young makes an immediate impression by forcing a corner. Nothing comes of it.

86 min: To a standing ovation, Rooney is replaced by Young. "Cappelletti is a convention used in bridge," writes Marcel Villeneuve, tying up all sorts of linguistic loose ends, almost as though they were strands of capellini.

83 min: Wright Phillips turns 25 yards out and wallops a shot high and wide. Fernandes is replaced by Huggel. Carlo Lancellotti would like to clarify the capel(l)o situation: "capello= hair (singular, one strand) capelli=hair (plural) cappello=hat (2 p's,singular) cappelli=hats (2 p's, plural)." Ta. "Does it really matter?" asks George. "As long as Capello has either he won't be poncing about with a brolly." Zinger of the day, right there.

79 min: That's great from England: Gerrard streams forward, finds Rooney on the edge of the area, who chips the ball left to Crouch. The big striker could have volleyed it but opts to trap and check; unfortunately the ball gets under his feet. Even so, he manages to pull the ball back to Rooney, whose shot is only just wide of goal. Great to watch.

78 min: England pass it around the back for a minute or two. They go absolutely nowhere with it, but the crowd are screaming "ole" nonetheless. "Capellini means very thin spaghetti," chips in Ian Davis, not helping me one bit.

75 min: Capello has spent the last five minutes or so screaming what may or may not be obscenities from the touchline. They sound like obscenities. Words screamed like that must be obscenities. Fabi-o-meter®: DDDDDDDDDDDD. "Over on the Swiss MBM their own serial emailer has just finished a long account of his early days playing bridge," interjects born satarist Ian Copestake. "This was prompted by some hilarious piss-taking about the England players' names."

73 min: Bridge and Hargreaves replace Ashley Cole - who is roundly booed - and Barry. "Your pal Tommer is wrong!" writes Michele from Italy. "Cappello means hat. Capello means hair." I really shouldn't be officiating this spat.

70 min: Despite leading, this is far from being all England: Barnetta sweeps in from the left, being allowed to travel 30 yards or so and take a pop at goal. His effort is weak, though deflected for a corner - of which nothing comes. But a warning sign for the home side, and not particularly good defending, it has to be said. And now for some news of the Austria-Germany game from Xavier Vermeren: "Germany lead 3-0 against Austria despite playing really badly. I was going to say like England, but obviously that's minus the forthcoming tournament." What language does the word "schadenfreude" come from again?

65 min: Bentley hoicks over a ball from the right towards Crouch, who shapes like a wind turbine and unleashes a decent volley towards goal. Banaglio does well to claim. Meanwhile in translati-news, it appears "capello" means HAT, and that Michele from Italy was talking through his. "Capelli is hair," chides Tommer Spence. "So we have a Fab Hat as England manager. Well, it's better than Steve McClaren."

63 min: Now Rooney sends a screamer close from 30 yards. Will everyone please stop it!

62 min: And that was so nearly 2-2, as Barnetta swings in a free kick which Upson does brilliantly to head clear from under his own crossbar. Meanwhile Yakin is replaced by Margairaz.

60 min: GOAL! England 2 - 1 Switzerland. A huge hoof. A flick on by Crouch. Another flick on by Rooney. Gerrard bursts down the left and rolls the ball across to Wright Phillips, who sidefoots into an empty net. Hold on, this is becoming entertaining!

57 min: GOAL! England 1 - 1 Switzerland. Derdiyok, in the 12th minute of his international career, latches onto a brilliant through ball from Barnetta, and takes a first-time shot from the edge of the area, left to right across James and into the bottom corner of the net. A wonderful goal from the youngster, and terrible defending from Ferdinand, who was milling around like a dandy. Fabi-o-meter®: D.

56 min: Crouch and Wright-Phillips come on for Jenas and Joe Cole, whose last contribution was to nearly break clear down the left, only to be stopped in his tracks by a strong challenge from Behrami.

55 min: Senderos, departing to boos, is replaced by Grichting.

53 min: Two shots from Rooney, a blocked effort from Gerrard, then a rasper from Jenas which Banaglio brilliantly tips round the post. So much better than England. Capello and the players have obviously engaged in some trenchant discussion at half time.

51 min: Lovely stuff by Rooney here, who's running away from goal towards the right-hand side of the box but still dinks a brilliant chip back towards goal, over Banaglio, and only just over the bar. Meanwhile Gary Naylor has packed away his hexagonal di, finished up all his Vimto and Tunnocks Caramel biscuits like a good boy, and he's back: In the MBM and on Five Live, England are described as disappointing. I'd love a pundit or manager after, during or before an England game to say that the performance doesn't matter and it's all about the result. Because, even in a friendly, that's true isn't it?"

47 min: Well that should have been 2-0: Bentley swings a lovely ball across from the right to find Rooney free. The striker's first touch is dreadful, allowing Behrami to get in the way. However the Swiss sub only manages to give Rooney the ball straight back; this time a harmless shot scuffed across the face of goal is the comedy cut.

And we're off again! Gygax, Nkufo and Lichtsteiner are replaced by Switzerland, but the typing ain't getting any easier: Derdiyok, Vonlanthan and Behrami are their replacements. "Your helpful display tool should be called Fabiometro," writes a helpful Michele from Italy. "Second, hairdryer in Italian is asciugacapelli. Capello means hair, like 'Hai un capello biondo sul cappotto' means 'you have a piece of blond hair on your coat'." You all know full well that I have no idea whatsoever if that Italian is correct or not, don't you.

GREAT NEWS FOR ENGLAND FANS: "I see that is shaping up like a typical Capello experience," writes Vince Auteri. "You will see England playing awfully nearly every match. You will have tons of lame victories (mostly for 1-0). You will come to absolutely hate the headstrong, annoying, unbelievably arrogant Capello. In the end you will win the World Cup. That's more or less what has happened to every team Capello was in."

Half-time: England 1 - 0 Switzerland. And that's it. Capello stromps off down the tunnel: C, verging on D... no, actually, that's a D.

44 min: England seem happy enough to go in at half-time with their one-goal lead. I wouldn't be so ready to do that myself, as Capello clearly hasn't forgotten the first 35 minutes or so, and looks well cakey on the touchline. Fabi-o-meter®: C."What's hairdryer in Italian?" asks Keith Gregory. "Like I was saying, Capello's superior tactical abilility will lead us to victory in SA 2010," cheerleads the loyal Paul Beaumont.

40 min: GOAL!!!! England 1 - 0 Switzerland. Those boos seem to have done the trick. A neat ball from Gerrard pinged out to Joe Cole out on the left finds the winger one on one with Lichtsteiner; he beats his man easily, sashays to the bylline, and passes across the face of goal, past the stranded keeper, to Jenas, who can't miss from three yards, even if he is off balance and leaning back. That's a great team goal. Fabi-o-meter®: B nonetheless.

38 min: Rooney has half a chance to head the ball into an unguarded goal after a shot from Cole is blocked by Senderos and balloons into the air, but it doesn't quite come down for him: he can only head it weakly up and it's nutted clear by the Swiss with ease. Still, the last couple of minutes have been a wee bit better.

36 minutes this took: England pass it around for over a minute. They nearly get up as far as the Swiss box, then the ball is shifted back all the way to Ferdinand in the centre circle. The crowd begin to boo at great volume: 36 minutes! It seems to gee England up for a second, as Rooney bursts forward and feeds Joe Cole, who has a reasonably decent shot towards goal, though Banaglio gets down to it easily enough.

35 min: I can't describe how bad England are. Actually, yes I can. They're dreadful. "CAPELLO OUT!" screams Paul Beaumont. Meanwhile, oh to live in the Jim Carpenter household. "Wife keeps laughing everytime Motty has to say Eggy Man. Meanwhile, I'm waiting for the swiss to roll over. Swiss, roll - geddit? I'm here all week, try the veal."

31 minutes it took: Bentley is the one England player doing the business here: an exquisite ball down the right finds Jenas in acres, but with Joe Cole free in the centre to tap in, the Spurs man can only sidefoot weakly into the sprawling arms of Banaglio. "England are so poor that if they can't beat these surely CAPELLO HAS TO GO. Or should we wait until the French give us a hiding next month?" Why not wait? That'll be fun... hold on... what I meant was, let's wait, give the man a chance.

30 min: "Are they really THAT moronic?" asks a disbelieving Steve Bonar. Yes.

28 min: Barry lunges in on... eh... anyway, a free kick just outside of the England box. Barnetta's shot is not great - high and wide - but the Swiss are beginning to create chances here. England can't keep the ball, and Capello is on the touchline screaming Rafa Benitez style for Gerrard to pull his finger out. Fabi-o-meter®: C, verging on D.

26 min: This isn't, though: from a free-kick on the right, Yakin swings in a brilliant ball which Senderos flicks on towards Eggiman, who should have buried a header from six yards. He doesn't contact well, though, and his effort skims off his head and away to safety. Terrible defending from the English.

25 min: Bentley has started as well as Brown hasn't: he wins two corners in double-quick time with some busy play down the right; from the second he finds the head of Ferdinand, who heads over from eight yards. That's better from England.

23 min: Sorry, our system was down for a few minutes there. I'm told it was stuck at 12 minutes for about 10 minutes, which is kind of right, that's how long each minute of this feels like to me. "I'm emailing just to make sure you're still alive," writes James Stevens. "I fear for anyone's life who has to try and write something about this showcase of mediocrity. I'd prefer to watch the WAGs play football."

19 min: Brown loses the ball AGAIN. Barnetta has a shot AGAIN. It's so unlike England not to learn the lessons of yore. This time it's a low rasper which fizzes wide of James' left-hand post, but not by much. A warning sign. Meanwhile, here's a shot across my bows. "Are you daft?" asks Paul Scott. Yes. "The minute's silence was cut short after about 12 seconds, and the only reason it seemed 'reasonably' observed was because the BBC had turned their microphones down. John Motson might be too much of a coward to acknowledge it, but you shouldn't be complicit." Fair enough, it won't be the first time I've got things arse first. Though if the BBC's pitchside mics were off, that raises the question of the identity of the two goons I heard whistling and shouting. Not Motty and Lawro, surely?

17 min: Rooney has a snapshot from the left wing into the side netting. This is not exciting. So much so John Motson is enthusing about "England's New Multi-Ball System": a policy of getting the ballboys to throw the ball back into play quite quickly. That it's come to this already.

15 min: Not much going on here. A lot of pointless midfield passing from England; the Swiss are very comfortable at the back. "After seeing Mr. Naylor popping up again and again in every single MBM I am able to follow, I was pretty convinced that he has a sad and lonely existence," writes Rob Rayburn. "But his addition today of reminiscing about his Dungeons & Dragons days has proven to me that he is in fact living in his mother's basement and actively trying never to get laid ever again."

12 min: England are being patient / going nowhere with a series of pointless square passes across the centre of the pitch in order to appear more intelligent than they are. Take your pick.

9 min: Rooney breaks through down the inside-left channel after a Joe Cole through ball, but his shot is easily blocked by the advancing Banaglio.

6 min: Same old, same old: Brown and then Gerrard are caught in possession in quick succession with snap tackles; Barnetta picks the ball up on the edge of the area, cuts inside from the left, and unleashes the first shot of the match. Well, it's more of a serene roll than a shot, but there it is nonetheless.

4 min: The first sortie for the Swiss as Barnetta attempts to send Nkufo clear, but the long ball is, well, too long and James snaffles easily. "Stuart Pearce looks like he's on a night out with a new potential father-in-law," notes Scott Rutherford.

2 min: Nice interplay between Bentley and Jenas down the right; their crisp one-two nearly sets the former free into the box, but Senderos comes across to block and any danger's immediately gone.

And we're off. Switzerland kick off and knock it around the back. The Capello effect hasn't had any effect whatsoever yet. Six million a year for this rubbish?

The minute's silence for Munich is... very well observed, save one or two tools shouting and whistling. England's fans would have got pelters had they spoiled that, so it's only fair to point out how well-observed the silence was.

And then the "England" one: Rhydian belts it out to cheers. Meanwhile in shock news, it appears record-breaking website surfer Gary Naylor, of MBMs passim, used to spend his formative years partaking in role-playing games. Stop the presses! "Reading the name Gygax in the Swiss line-up, I was catapulted back to adolescent evenings playing Dungeons and Dragons, for Gary Gygax was the role-playing leviathan's author. It was not a pleasant feeling at all - you really should post a warning for your middle-aged readers (well, middle-aged male readers). PS Senderos does look like an orc." Tell us more Gary: what is the highest-number-sided dice you own? 13? 37? 246? And what was the hardest game? Dungeons and Dragons? RuneQuest? Consuming Warm Tizer And Cheesy Wotsits Without Spilling Any On The Bed? Going Out And Talking To Other Humans?

The Swiss national anthem: It's being sung by some tenor or other from Lancashire. He looks like a cut-price Rhydian from The X-Factor. Oh my. The booing isn't too bad... but only in the context of Wembley's normal shameful nonsense. They're like a light hum in the background, similar to the sitar droning in the background of Within You Without You by the Beatles.

"Wemberley! The time for waiting is ov-ah! It's time for international football! Please welcome... Switzerlaaaaand aaaand England!" This is rubbish, is what this is. What are we meant to be watching? The Super Bowl? Boxing? Darts?

Fabio's gonna sexx ya up: Yes, yes, if you read the teamsheet too quickly, it may appear that James Brown is in goal. "Let's hope he gets on the good foot," quips Neil Roughley, so you don't have to.

Ah hold on, here we are: Benaglio, Senderos, Gygax, Barnetta, Spycher, Yakin, Inler, Lichsteiner, Nkufo, Gelson, Eggimann.
Subs: Zuberbuhler, Coltorti, Margairaz, Grichting, Behrami, Huggel, Vonlanthen, Ziegler, Derdiyok.

According to the Press Association wire service, there is only one team playing at Wembley tonight: James, Brown, Ferdinand, Upson, A Cole, Bentley, Barry, Gerrard, Jenas, J Cole, Rooney.
Subs: Carson, Richards, Lescott, Woodgate, Bridge, Wright-Phillips, Hargreaves, Young, Owen, Crouch, Defoe, Kirkland.

THE FOUR STAGES OF MANAGING ENGLAND
1. Spectacular victory by eleven heroes in flight
2. Unimpressive victory against high-quality opponents
3. Unimpressive victory against low-quality opponents
4. Spectacular implosion by eleven stars in denial

And so the cycle begins again. Climb aboard; it's like riding a tandem, only this one has about 55 million seats. And no steering column.

While we're at it, may we unveil The Guardian Unlimited Official Patented Fabi-o-meter®, a state-of-the-art gadget which will chart Fabio's temper as he slowly realizes what he's got himself into:
A: Seething
B: Getting really quite annoyed now
C: About to go off the scale
D: Def con one (off the scale)

Also, I've just noticed that, from a certain angle and in a particular light, the dapper and intelligent Capello looks a bit like Brian Woolnough. Only a bit, but oh dear.