Wigan Athletic 0 - 2 Everton

44 min: Wigan are in total shock, and no wonder. They've been the better side here, only to capitulate in the most spectacular fashion imaginable.

41 min: ANOTHER GOAL! Wigan Athletic 0 - 2 Everton. Everton have been terrible for most of the half, but they've suddenly turned into the bluest Brazil outside of Cowdenbeath (with a little help from Wigan). The hosts don't bother to defend a corner properly, allowing Cahill and Jagielka to cause bedlam in the six-yard box; from the right, the latter whips a ball across the face of goal towards Lescott, who is free on the left and sidefoots home powerfully.

38 min: COMEDY TITUS BRAMBLE MOMENT #586. Wigan Athletic 0 - 1 Everton. Ho ho hoh dear. The ball's played down the inside right channel towards Bramble. All the big defender has to do is turn the ball back to Kirkland, or kick it out of play, but instead of kicking the ball with his big club foot, he instead opts to take a fresh-air swish and fall on his sizable buttocks, allowing Johnson to sprint clear. He makes no mistake, slipping the ball between the advancing Kirkland's legs and into the net. That was spectacularly bad.

37 min: I was in a pub last night which had the Spanish football on. At quarter past ten they switched the channel over to Match of the Day. The shift in quality was, to say the least, jarring. Anyway, what's going on here is this: hoof, hoof, hoof, hoofity, hoofity, hoof. "WHY CAN'T ANYONE TAKE A DECENT CORNER?" parrots Gary Naylor. "Because they don't practice hard enough." Naylor has now written over 50% of this minute-by-minute report. We're probably breaking a whole load of NUJ regulations here.

34 min: Heskey and Lescott hare after a ball delivered down the inside left channel; corner. WHY CAN'T ANYONE TAKE ETC.

32 min: Brown curls in a wonderful cross from the left, but Bent's attempt to flick the ball into the top right-hand corner of the net is woeful.

29 min and a bit: Everton do something! Johnson cuts inside from the right, shifts the ball onto his left foot and unleashes a shot which spoons off Bramble and away for a corner. The corner is PISH. I'm going to stop mentioning corners altogether soon. WHY CAN'T ANYONE TAKE A DECENT CORNER?

29 min: There's a whole lotta hoofin' goin' on. Best league in the world! "Can referees not see that if they fail to book the likes of Julio Arca for his two-footed lunge yesterday, then book Arteta for taking a free kick too quickly, they will become laughing stocks," writes Gary Naylor, who is now writing this report for me. "Reffing isn't easy, but some decisions are just no-brainers."

26 min: Hibbert will miss Everton's upcoming game against Spurs after picking up a booking for his late challenge ono Palacios. It wasn't a good tackle, but there was no ill will; this referee is incredibly fussy. Shake Chuckles Probert's hand. Oh no! Bzzzzzzzzz! A buzzer. Oh Chuckles! How could you!

24 min: Bent delivers a square ball across the face of the box from the left; Valencia comes in from the right and belabors a shot goal wards. With Howard floored, Cahill does magnificently to slide in and scoop the ball clear. Everton are all over the shop.

21 min: From a long corner, Bent rises at the far post and hammers a header goal wards; Howard fingertips the effort onto the crossbar and the ball is hacked away. A great header and an even better save.

20 min: Everton can't get the ball at the minute, though Wigan aren't doing much with all that possession. "Gormley's masterpiece Another Place is on the beach ten minutes from where I grew up and is the greatest public art in England," writes Gary Naylor, and I'm not about to argue. "Everton should use their new stadium opportunity to commission sculptors, portraitists and muralists to create works based on the great club's greatest players, managers and victories. These can be placed inside and outside the stadium and will honor Goodison and its heroes in an appropriate manner." Will that leave room for the trolley parks, though?

16 min: Everton get their game faces on at last, Arteta taking his anger at that preposterous booking out on the ball. His rasping shot, after a cutback from Johnson, is brilliantly parried by Kirkland.

14 min: A yellow card for Arteta from this utter clown of a referee. Why does Chuckles Probert issue the caution? Because Arteta had the stunning audacity to take a quick free kick, and not wait for the whistle. Smell Chuckles Probert's funny flower! Oh no! A jet of water's come out of it! Wah! And now his car's fallen to pieces. Honk honk!

12 min: Wigan are playing some really neat stuff here. Even Kilbane. Landzaat and Valencia combine well down the right, a neat one-two finding the latter free in the box - but the Ecuadorian lets the ball run under his foot. Everton want to get their game faces on toot sweet.

10 min: This is mainly all Wigan. A long ball nearly sees Bent attempting to kiss the ball past the keeper a la Rooney yesterday, but he's penalized for a barge on Lescott. Oh, and he clean misses the ball with a fresh-air swipe. "I'm at work, on a Sunday," writes Phil Murphy while sobbing gently, "not because I'm diligent and hardworking, just that I was a bit lazy this week and have to catch up. Anyway, I would most very muchly like to read the caption to your beachy sunset pic. But that effing Guardian sports quiz ad is in the way. AND YOU CAN'T CLOSE IT OR DISMISS IT. Can you please sue someone over this? And then tell me what the caption actually does say?" To answer your questions in order: 1. No. 2. It's not worth repeating.

7 min: Everton fans are informing Wigan supporters that their club has a "shit ground". Have they no self awareness whatsoever?

5 min: Wigan have started well here. Pressure from Bent forces Howard to shank his clearance to Heskey, who so nearly manages to pop the ball back to his strike partner; luckily Lescott is around to knock the ball back to his keeper, who makes a better fist of, er, kicking clear second time around.

If it's Everton, it must be Gary Naylor: "From the Liverpool Echo: Everton are willing to win ugly - Phil Neville. Some headlines just write themselves."

2 min: Palacios, on his home debut, makes an immediate impression by squirming away from two challenges while on the floor, getting up and curling a shot towards Howard's goal which only misses the right-hand post by inches. A great start from Wigan, if you don't count the contribution of Kevin Kilbane and his magic shins.

And we're off! Wigan play in blue, so Everton are in their away strip. Which is blue. Within three-and-a-half seconds, Kevin Kilbane manages to miscontrol the ball into touch at 474mph off his shin. You couldn't script it.

Kick off: As your disorganized correspon... hold on... disorganized hack writes, it's in eight minutes. Gah. In other words, 1.30pm. Gah.

Slaven Bilić is in the Sky studio. He's touting for a Premier League jo... hold on... he's just here to give his opinion on former club Everton, a team he reckons "play good football". He took nearly two minutes to say absolutely nothing. He'll fit in well in England should he ever come.

Thank you, my Press Association! I'm just cutting and pasting this from the wires. So sue me*. "Wigan manager Steve Bruce made just one change to his side for the visit of Everton to the JJB Stadium. After serving a one-match ban, Paul Scharner returned to the heart of the defense, with Emmerson Boyce relegated to the bench. Former Everton winger Kevin Kilbane remained at left-back due to international clearance not being received in time for Bruce to field either Erik Edman or Maynor Figueroa. With Everton in with a chance of moving up to fourth in the Barclays Premier League, boss David Moyes made two changes. One was enforced following James McFadden's move to Birmingham, resulting in the return of Leon Osman after a six-week lay-off with a broken toe. After missing last week's win over Manchester City through injury, Andy Johnson took over from Victor Anichebe in attack." [*please do not sue me]

Liverpool 08: city of culture. This match better live up to that, because the Newcastle game I had to sit through yesterday made me pump hot boluses of blood through the eyes, and I don't have another 90 minutes of my life to waste.

Wigan: Kirkland, Melchiot, Bramble, Scharner, Kilbane, Valencia, Brown, Palacios, Landzaat, Heskey, Bent.
Subs: Pollitt, Aghahowa, Koumas, Sibierski, Boyce.

Everton: Howard, Hibbert, Lescott, Jagielka, Nuno Valente, Arteta, Carsley, Neville, Osman, Cahill, Johnson.
Subs: Wessels, Vaughan, Stubbs, Fernandes, Anichebe.

Referee: Lee Probert (Wiltshire)

Guardian Unlimited Sport Flatly Denies Accusations Of Big-Club Bias dept. Would we not bother with a preamble this afternoon if this game was Manchester United v Arsenal, Chelsea v Liverpool, or any other permutation involving the Big Three? Yes, we probably would not.