Manchester City 1-0 West Ham United

There's no avoiding today's big news: former City manager Kevin Keegan has taken charge at Newcastle again. The Toon fans congregating outside St James' Park tonight seem fairly happy about all this, though it's been quite a while since they've seen him in action, and they'd do well to bear in mind The Four Stages Of Keegan, which were very much a work in progress during his initial stint at SJP but had become firmly cast in stone by the time he left Eastlands:

1. Initial hope quickly crushed by searing disappointment2. Volcanic funk3. Resigned acceptance4. Complete inability to explain things away in press conference / total meltdown

By way of a psychological aside, and in no way an exercise in snide juxtaposition, here are the Four Stages Of Competence:

1. Unconscious incompetence (the individual doesn't know something is broken or how to fix it, but doesn't care anyway) 2. Conscious incompetence (the individual is aware the thing is jiggered, but doesn't know what the hell to do next) 3. Conscious competence (the individual knows how to fix it but doing so takes much tongue-out concentration) 4. Unconscious competence (the individual is all over it in their sleep)

As for this match, kick-off is 8.05pm, though this report should get going by 7.45pm at the very latest.

Five goals in the last seven matches, this lot have managed: Hart, Corluka, Richards, Dunne, Ball, Hamann, Ireland, Elano, Castillo, Petrov, Vassell.
Subs: Schmeichel, Onuoha, Bianchi, Garrido, Gelson.

Lucas Neill returns from injury for the visitors: Green, Neill, Ferdinand, Upson, McCartney, Ljungberg, Bowyer, Noble, Etherington, Boa Morte, Ashton.
Subs: Wright, Cole, Mullins, Spector, Faubert.

Michael Vaughan celebrity lookalike: Mark Clattenburg (Tyne & Wear)

Gross over-reaction dept. According to breaking news on the PA wires, "Kevin Keegan is understood to have arrived at St James' at around 7.30pm, although there was no official confirmation as a bumper crowd filed into the stands." Not much to add to that, though at the time of writing (7.52pm) he is probably having a sandwich and a glass of wine in the boardroom, or maybe chatting to someone he hasn't seen for a while in a corridor, or perhaps in the WC expelling waste water through his front tail just before kick-off so he doesn't have to go during the match. Who knows? We can exclusively report that he is, at this very moment, definitely BREATHING air through his mouth and nose, either WALKING AROUND using his legs or SITTING DOWN on his harris, and LOOKING AT STUFF through his eyes. More as we have it.

Possible new Toon number two Alan Shearer is a pundit on Match of the Day, which is showing the game I'm covering here and have barely mentioned. Sorry, you deserve better. They're going to talk about Keegan at half time. Shearer, professional pundit that he is, keeps his gaze firmly fixed on the matter in hand, and his opinion is that City - five goals in the last seven matches - are brilliant going forward. Keegan and Shearer, the dream ticket.

And we're off! West Ham get the ball rolling. Upson hoofs it long towards Ashton; Dunne guides it back to Hart.

2 min: Richards twists and turns to win a corner, but nothing comes of a witless delivery. Let's see if we can spot a pattern this evening.

3 min: West Ham make a half-hearted shout for a penalty as Ljungberg races free down the right and, with the Hammers three-on-one in the middle, sees his cross cut out by Dunne. Did it hit his hand? Not sure, to be honest, but the claims aren't that vigorous, so I'm guessing not. Still, that was a half-decent opportunity for the away side.

4 min: Hold on, Ljungberg is throwing a proper hissy fit, screaming at the linesman. There's been no replay yet but it'll be interesting to see what happened there.

6 min: Elano crosses from the left and nearly finds the head of Vassell, but the ball is about three feet off the ground and sails way over the striker's head. No clear-cut chances yet, but not much time is being spent in the middle of the park, which augers well.

8 min: Corluka is put under pressure from Etherington, who nearly steals the ball off his toe to bear down on goal. The defender does enough to bundle the ball out from a corner. It's the second corner of the match, and the fact that it is number two is so very apt.

11 min: Not much going on here, but the Keegan era at Newcastle has got off to a flying start, even if it technically hasn't started yet. Michael Owen has put the Toon one up against Stoke. And Havant & Waterlooville are 2-0 up against Swansea! A trip to Anfield looks on.

13 min: McCartney heads back towards his own goal, nearly allowing Ireland to nip in and take a whack. Ferdinand does brilliantly to come across and clear. "I hope Keegan brings Terry Mac back with him," writes Luke Crane apropos the hoohah at Newcastle. "That guy is awesome at whatever it is he does. What does he do? Is he like Andrew Ridgeley?"

16 min: Bowyer is bundled over by Ireland 40 yards out. Noble's long free kick bounces once in the area and sails into touch. I am making this sound more exciting than it actually is. "Let's hope that Shearer gets the assistant manager role at St James' Park (specializing in sneaky shirt pulling and unnecessary use of the elbows)," prays Nathan Smith. "At least the license fee will no longer go towards his incompetent analysis and faux-matey banter." Now now, let's remember Manchester City are great going forw... ah.

21 min: Nothing is happening at Eastlands, please believe me. Meanwhile according to reports, Keegan arrived at St James' Park in Mike Ashley's helicopter. The nagging suspicion that what's about to unfold at Newcastle will be an ersatz, soulless and much less spectacular version of events which happened decades ago just won't go away, will it?

25 min: Havant & Waterlooville have gone 3-0 up against Swansea. Ah hold on, now it's 3-1. Elsewhere, it's worth noting that at SJP, Keegan is watching his first live game of football for nearly 22 months - and it's already all going to pot, as Emre has been sent off. As for the game I'm sitting here watching? Pffft.

28 min: This is turning into a Clock watch rather than a minute-by-minute report, but what am I supposed to do? This fare is terrible. And to rub it in, it's now 2-0 to ten-man Newcastle, while Swansea have missed a penalty. All the other games are fantastic, but this... this is putting me in a hot funk, that's what's happening here. FUNK-O-METER: B.

30 min: SOMETHING HAPPENS! YES, IT REALLY DOES HAPPEN! Boa Morte swings a ball in from the right and finds Ashton free. The striker lunges forward and swings a leg at the ball, making decent contact - but it's straight at Hart, who can parry up and away from danger. It wasn't much... but it was something, and that's what's important.

See, I'm Not Lying dept. "I'm watching this game in the US," writes Alan Kirkup. "The commentator actually said nothing for nearly a minute so little was happening. Any chance you can do the Havant game instead? Sounds like a belter." Hold on... you can see this game and, not only are you still watching it, you're also reading about it as well???? A quiet word, Alan: you may need to take a look at where your life is heading.

34 min: Castillo falls awkwardly and looks to have semi-serious arm or shoulder knack. He's carted off on a plastic tray; Bianchi comes on to replace him.

36 min: City win a free kick on the right-hand edge of the West Ham area, for some hand ball or other I didn't quite catch. Petrov's delivery is superb, the ball looping towards Richards at the far post, but Upson does well to climb high and skim the ball away with his head. Castillo has a dislocated shoulder, that's what they're saying.

40 min: This is one of the worst games of football I have ever watched on television, probably even worse than Coventry v Everton in 1987. It's 3-1 to Havant & Waterlooville at half-time, by the way. The prospect of Havant & Waterlooville getting a draw at Anfield and causing Rafael Benitez to get sacked registers "AAAAAAAAA" on George Templeton's funk-o-meter.

42 min: AN ATTEMPT IS MADE TO PLAY FOOTBALL! Hart comes for a deep swinging cross and misses. Ball heads clear, but only to Etherington on the edge of the area. There's time to take a shot, but a lot of players in the way, so Etherington instead plays a first-time volley towards Bowyer, who is free in the left-hand side of the box. His attempt to immediately curl it into the top-right corner is too high and wide, but not embarrassingly so, and if that had gone in it'd have been majestic. And at least they tried.

45 min: Half time please! Aw for the love of God, there's going to be another two minutes of this.

45 min +1: Dunne idiotically heads a back pass straight into the air and nearly allows Ashton to nip ahead and poke past Hart. The keeper does well to smother the attempt but it only comes back out to Boa Morte who... slashes wide in the wild fashion. A good chance that, and a very poor attempt.

Half-time: Manchester City 0 - 0 West Ham United. Thank Christ for that.

SJP latest: The BBC are showing pictures of Kevin Keegan sitting in the stands, watching his first live match for nigh on two years, shaking everyone's hand. Beached next to him like Kurtz in Apocalypse Now is owner Mike Ashley in that preposterous replica shirt of his. "When the crowd spot him, this place will explode," predicts commentator Jonathan Pearce. And the crowd spot him and... well, there's a bit of a cheer.

Shearer speaks! "The one thing Newcastle will definitely be is entertaining," guarantees the pundit, who thinks Manchester City are brilliant going forward. Will he be Keegan's number two? Well, should Kev want to discuss the matter, Alan has promised to return the compliment: "I'll speak to him". And how will Keegan do? "What do you expect me to say? They'll be entertaining ... it's my ambition to manage them one day." That's not exactly a ringing endorsement, is it?

And we're off again.! Ach: 45 more minutes of this at least. Swansea have pulled another back against Havant & Waterlooville, by the way.

48 min: Three minutes down, 42 to go.

50 min: Five minutes down, 40 to go.

51 min: This is eye-bleedingly painful to watch. "Dunne does something that almost causes a goal (45min +1) and you call him an idiot?" writes Chris Oquendo. "You should thank the bloke!" Fair point, well made, right there.

51 min and a bit: Bowyer and Ashton combine on the edge of the area to spring Boa Morte free. With Ljungberg free in the centre, Boa Morte instead elects to blast the ball straight at the chest of Hart, who was never going to be beaten at his near post. Something happens, and yet all the event ends up doing is magnifying the paucity of skill on display. It takes a special kind of game to do that.

54 min: Havant & Waterlooville are now 4-2 up against Swansea! Anfield looms.

56 min: Finally City step it up a gear. Ireland drives them forward and sweeps a lovely crossfield ball to Elano, who cuts inside from the left and takes a shot which is well blocked. The ball comes straight back at West Ham, with Elano finding Bianchi, who [CUTS, PASTES] cuts inside and takes a shot which is well blocked. Much much better. Still not very good, but then our starting point was the absolute rock bottom.

59 min: I hope I'm not going to put the kybosh on this match, but it's getting better. Now it's Etherington's turn to pick up the ball and surge forward; he feeds Ashton down the left but the resulting cross is way too high and directionless. Still, at least both teams are beginning to go for this, albeit in a slightly ham-fisted way. "Are they giving you hazard pay for losing your mind from boredom?" asks Candise Marotta. No, they love it when I moan. Actually, I love it when I moan too. Everybody's happy, no need for financial recompense.

61 min: Ljungberg is replaced by Faubert.

64 min: Hamann is booked for his 475th niggly foul of the evening.

66 min: Boa Morte picks up the second yellow of the match, his for hacking down an in-flight Elano. Newcastle are now three up at home to Stoke. Speaking of the Toon: "Is it just me or have there been some stultifyingly soul-destroying Premier League performances turned in lately?" asks RJ Ritchie. "City v Everton, this game, Liverpool's first half yesterday, Portsmouth v Sunderland, Boro v anybody outside the top four, Bolton v Blackburn, the entire seasons of Derby and Newcastle. Perhaps a little Soccer Circus isn't such a bad idea after all."

67 min: Boa Morte nearly picks up his second card of the match after hacking down an in-flight Richards. The ref gives him a stern talking to, but no red.

70 min: Boa Morte goes off for Carlton Cole, something presumably having snapped in the former's head. Meanwhile Paul Dean Pearson, a lifelong City fan of "50 painful years", is in a hot funk: "They have been so crap tonight, I have turned it off. Sven says if he doesn't sign any new players in the next two weeks, he will be happy with the squad we have got. Looking at that squad tonight, he has to be out of his tiny mind."

72 min: GOAL!!!! Manchester City 1 - 0 West Ham United. It had been coming. OK, no it hadn't, but at least it's here now. Petrov does brilliantly to twist and turn clear of Neill down the left and dink a cross towards Bianchi, free at the far post. Somehow Bianchi manages to miss a gaping net and head against the right-hand post instead, but the ball comes bouncing back across the face of goal, allowing Elano, by far and away the best player on the pitch - which is not saying much, but that's the way it is - to stoop and poke a header home.

76 min: Petrov and Elano combine, the latter lifting a ball over West Ham's back line which is only this much too heavy for Bianchi. That was so nearly a golden opportunity to make it 2-0, and decent play all round. City may not be playing brilliantly here, but they have at least raised their game in this second half. West Ham are still terrible.

78 min: Neill hoofs the ball towards Petrov and the referee as the Manchester City player fannies around before taking a free kick. He's not booked, possibly because he's got a point. City are trying to run down the clock already.

80 min: Gelson Fernandes replaces Vassell, who has believe it or not been on the pitch all this time. Tranmere have lost 1-0 at Hereford... and Havant & Waterlooville will be traveling to Anfield for what, as a tired sports hack, I am contractually obliged to describe as a Dream Tie. Which, in fairness, it is. Dear me.

82 min: Bowyer scoots into the right-hand side of the City box and lifts the ball over the advancing Hart. It's going straight to the head of Ashton, two yards out, but just before the West Ham striker can nut home, Richards arrives and executes the most amazing backwards headed clearance. City race off up the other end but the play is pulled back so Bowyer can be treated; there is, and you can graft on your own quip, something wrong with his head.

84 min: Ashton swings a leg at a loose ball in the City box. It should be easy for Hart to claim the tame effort, but he decides to try to kill it dead with his chin and needs a second attempt to smother. City are beginning to get nervous.

87 min: Ferdinand kicks Bianchi. Bianchi pushes Ferdinand in the chest. The referee simply cannot be bothered with the extreme pettiness of it all and waves them away, taking no action.

89 min: Elano skies a terrible effort from just outside the box after being fed by the industrious Ireland. There will be three more minutes of this, unless West Ham score. Newcastle have beaten Stoke 4-1.

90 min +2: Bianchi nearly nips in between McCartney and Green, as both Hammers stand confused, but eventually the ball is bundled back to the keeper and cleared. Sixty seconds and we're all done.

Full time: Manchester City 1 - 0 West Ham United. And that's it. City will visit Sheffield United in the fourth round, which is all good and well... but Liverpool v Havant & Waterlooville, eh? That's a Dream Tie alright. Night!