Manchester City v West Ham United - Live!

Five goals in the last seven matches, this lot have managed: Hart, Corluka, Richards, Dunne, Ball, Hamann, Ireland, Elano, Castillo, Petrov, Vassell.
Subs: Schmeichel, Onuoha, Bianchi, Garrido, Gelson.

Lucas Neill returns from injury for the visitors: Green, Neill, Ferdinand, Upson, McCartney, Ljungberg, Bowyer, Noble, Etherington, Boa Morte, Ashton.
Subs: Wright, Cole, Mullins, Spector, Faubert.

Michael Vaughan celebrity lookalike: Mark Clattenburg (Tyne & Wear)

There's no avoiding today's big news: former City manager Kevin Keegan has taken charge at Newcastle again. The Toon fans congregating outside St James' Park tonight seem fairly happy about all this, though it's been quite a while since they've seen him in action, and they'd do well to bear in mind The Four Stages Of Keegan, which were very much a work in progress during his initial stint at SJP but had become firmly cast in stone by the time he left Eastlands:

1. Initial hope quickly crushed by searing disappointment2. Volcanic funk3. Resigned acceptance4. Complete inability to explain things away in press conference / total meltdown

By way of a psychological aside, and in no way an exercise in snide juxtaposition, here are the Four Stages Of Competence:

1. Unconscious incompetence (the individual doesn't know something is broken or how to fix it, but doesn't care anyway) 2. Conscious incompetence (the individual is aware the thing is jiggered, but doesn't know what the hell to do next) 3. Conscious competence (the individual knows how to fix it but doing so takes much tongue-out concentration) 4. Unconscious competence (the individual is all over it in their sleep)

As for this match, kick-off is 8.05pm, though this report should get going by 7.45pm at the very latest.