Off to China? Etiquette Advice for the Sudan Teddy Bear Teacher

Gillian Gibbons, the teacher jailed in Sudan for letting pupils name a teddy bear Mohammed, is going to China to pursue her pedagogical muse. She will even take her teddy bear. "I know I'm the most notorious teacher in the world at the moment," she says winningly, "but I'm hoping that no one has heard of me there."

How should Gibbons behave to avoid machete-wielding mobs demanding that she be publicly beheaded? Here are a few tips.

Whatever you do, Gillian, don't give a married man green-colored headwear as a gift. You may not be executed as a result, but you would be on the receiving end of the frowning of a lifetime. The phrase "wearing the green hat" means that the man's wife is unfaithful. Clocks are also unwise presents: they count towards one's death, you see, and Cantonese people, in particular, consider them a curse.

On the plus side, it's fine to give teddy bear gifts. You could even buy an 11in white one from cafepress.com, which features the slogan Wo Ai Ni (I love you) in Chinese characters. True, that does seem a little forward and, yes, white is hardly an auspicious color (it is synonymous with death), but the bear's red scarf is propitious (red is considered lucky).

Try not to cause offense, Gillian, at dinner. According to beijingvisitor.blogspot.com, you should fill your neighbor's teacup when you fill your own, but don't leave the teapot spout pointing at anyone (it's regarded as hostile and signifies death). Don't stab chopsticks into a bowl of rice and leave them there (it's regarded as hostile and signifies death). Don't reach for food with rice on your chopsticks (it's rude and/or unhygienic).

As you know, Gillian, there are only 218 days till the Beijing Olympics and everyone is trying to be on their best behavior (Beijing's capital ethics development office is striving to stop citizens spitting, swearing, belching or queue-jumping). So try not to cause a diplomatic incident. For example, if you meet China's president, Hu Jintao, don't call him President Jintao, because that would be like referring to Bush as President George. His surname is Hu, you see. And don't ask "Who's Hu?" It's neither funny nor clever and the joke doesn't translate into any of China's leading languages.

You probably shouldn't wear a Free Tibet T-shirt in Hu's presence. Nor should you express concern about the abuse of media freedom, the increased use of house arrests to suppress dissidents, or any other issues Human Rights Watch is concerned about.

Finally, if you are thrown out of China and your flight has a stopover in Greece, don't hail a taxi in Athens by holding up five fingers with the palm facing outward. That's a rude gesture. Face your palm inward with closed fingers, which is acceptable. Or is it the other way round?