Fulham 1-2 Chelsea

PENALTY! AND GOAL! (Ballack 61 min) Ballack's shirt is pulled by Dempsey and he goes to ground. He pops up to take the penalty and slams it home. Fulham have predictably collapsed in this half. This would have happened if Drogba was playing. But it would have happened if Dele Adebola was playing. Or if Fulham were playing themselves. Which they effectively are.

57 min: "Are Chelsea without Drogba just a bit ordinary (for a Champions League team)," wonders Gary Naylor. "Manchester United without Ronaldo are pretty ordinary and Liverpool are often ordinary even with Torres (by that standard). But Arsenal don't have this "one outstanding player" issue - it's why I tip them to win the Premier League." I'd agree with you on Liverpool and Chelsea, but I still think United look good without Ronaldo, it's just that he's such an outstanding player that any team would suffer without him.

GOAL!!!! (Kalou 53 min) Alex easily wins a header in the area and nods on to Kalou who heads home. Who needs Drogba? Better get those bees out, Roy.

51 min: SWP pounds forward and turns the ball back into the box. Stefanovic blocks with his hands but the referee doesn't see it and play continues. He definitely cut the ball out -Chelsea have been hard done by there.

49 min: Chelsea string 20 or so passes together as they build up pressure on the edge of the Fulham area. Unfortunately the final ball is a high ball to professional pipsqueak SWP, who actually outjumps Konchesky, but Ballack can't exploit the nod down.

46 min: Mikel is on for the ineffective Sidwell. "I once had a lady friend who was obsessed with unibrows," says Colin Greer. "She used to work at a cinema. One day when a man with a particularly Ben Haim-esque brow ordered some pop corn, she inadvertently asked if he "would like some eyebrow" with his pop corn, rather than butter." It wouldn't have happened if Drogba was working behind the counter.

"Is Didier Drogba really not playing," asks Dan Smith. No, he's not, sorry I should have mentioned that earlier. Look, is there no one out there that can make up for the fact that Drogba isn't playing by telling me how they woke up next to a farmyard animal/member of their own family/ in a pool of their own tears after a disastrous New Years Eve? Apart from Gary Naylor.

Fulham, by the way, have a terrible record in the second-half this season, so if Roy Hodgson is any kind of manager he'll punish his players with his swarm of bees should they capitulate. Not that he should worry too much, Chelsea have got better as the game has gone on, but any half-decent side should be able to close this game out.

Half-time email: "According to your live scores service the match hasn't
actually kicked off yet [crack team of tecchies don Red Dwarf t-shirts and sort problem out]," says Jeremy Boyce, "so could that be why neither side is really playing as yet, at least not Chelsea anyway."

PEEP! Belletti plays a delightful ball to Cole, whose curling shot from the outside of the area is saved by Niemi. And that's half-time.

45 min: Hot eyebrow action as Ben Haim beats about five men before falling over. One minute of added time.

43 min: "Perhaps Mr Ben Haim can make little hair hats our of his excess brow hair, for the likes of Paul Konchesky and Danny Murphy," says Colin Greer. "I think that would be a nice gesture." Yes, it would, especially for the New Year. I applaud you, Mr Greer. I think he might some to Drobga for his ludicrous haircut. Drogba isn't playing today, by the way, which I might have mentioned already. Niemi indulges in a spot of the Hilarios as he slices a clearance into his stand, but Chelsea can't capitalise from the resulting throw and free-kick. This wouldn't have happened if Drogba was playing.

39 min: Hilario, unfortunately for a footballer, can't kick to save his life and you can almost hear his team-mates squeal everytime he slices the ball to the opposition. This wouldn't have happened if Drogba was playing.

36 min: Tal Ben Haim's eyebrow knocks it forward, Cole crosses and Kalou heads over under pressure from Stefanovic. Not that I want to bang on about Drogba, but he would have brushed Stefanovice aside as if the defender was a consumptive fly and powered that home.

33 min: Chelsea break from the edge of their own area, but the final ball into the box for Cole is too heavy and Niemi gathers. Chelsea are now the more dangerous side though. Having said that, Fulham have a free-kick about 35-yards out which Murphy curls justover.

30 min: Chelsea are slowly adapting to Drogba's absence. For the first 20 minutes they were lumping it long for those balls that Drogba loves to nod down. Unfortunately, Kalou isn't into that scene and his team-mates are having a bit more success playing it in quickly for Cole, Kalou and SWP to scamper after.

27 min: "Quick quiz," says Colin Greer. "How many eyebrows does Tal Ben Haim have?" I think he is one huge eyebrow, Colin, and about as useful as well. Kalou is felled in the area by Niemi for a clear penalty. Unfortunately he was nine miles offside.

24 min: Volz is snapping away and nearly pressures Bridge into a mistake. SWP fails to control a decent pass to him on the edge of the area. Chelsea's good play has been so rare today, they need to do better with chances like that.

21 min: Alex has actually looked pretty good today - he's needed to - committed and strong, but Ben Haim is looking very shaky indeed and heads straight to Davies who volleys over. Another aimless Essien punt is dealt with easily by Konchesky.

18 min: "As a Man Utd fan, I hate to say this, but bring back Jose, the Premier League was more fun with him around," says Jose Mouri... Mike Cameron. "How about as Liverpool manager, that'd be entertaining?" How about as Wrexham manager? That would be more entertaining. Essien hoofs a pass into the stands. Chelsea have looked dangerous occasionally, but Fulham are pressing them and they don't like it, no sir.

14 min: It's Volz's first start of an injury plagued season and he made a quick impact there. Some would argue he was looking for that penalty as he went nowhere in particular in the area, but it is his job, after all. I interviewed him once, and he is one of the nicest men you could hope to meet.

Penalty! And Goal! (Murphy 10 min) Volz is tripped in the area by Joe Cole. Murphy steps up to take and plants it in the bottom right hand corner as Hilario flings himself to his left.

8 min: Chelsea's first flash of danger. Joe Cole finds Kalou brilliantly and he tries to lift it over Niemi, but the keeper takes it at the second attempt. Then SWP surges forward as Davies loses the ball and flashes the ball across the face of the ball. Should have done better.

5 min : Hilario nearly sets up Dempsey with a nifty through ball, before Essien saves his keeper's blushes. Fulham are definitely the sharper team, Chelsea look like they were down the scout hut with me last night.

3 min: Some nice play from Fulham sees Konchesky find Kamara and Hilario saves well down low to his right. It's just WithNaylor and I: "Never mind the footy, will GU be going leg-by-leg for the arrers tonight?" No, we've Sky Plussed Sister Act 2. "Barney v The Power was the Sporting Highlight of 2007 (even if on Day One) and whilst tonight's match doesn't carry that high octane charge, it should be good. I'm backing Kirk "The Kid" Shepherd to do a Terry Griffiths / Keith Deller and send the bookies into ecstasy." Well, I don't think bookmakers should be doing any kinds of drugs while they're working. Sigh, I thought I was better than this.

1 min: Gary Naylor makes a joke in mildly bad taste, which I won't print, but if you want to construct your own Naylor joke then go to this link, add in a line about Stevie G's new overenthusiastic bodyguards and chuckle away. Chucklehounds Belletti and Alex make their way out of the tunnel to begin their own brand of comedy defending and it suddenly occurs to thousands of people across the country that Fulham are in with a very good chance here. Then Hilario trots out and thousands of people across the country that Fulham have already won.

Roy Hodgson's bees are telling us that he aims to impwove Foo-wham, get wesults and avoid wewegation. Pesky wewegation.

Richard Keys boosts Steve Sidwell's fragile confidence. Keys: [To Ray Wilkins] Sidwell's in the team today, Ray, are Chelsea taking this seriously? [In the Chelsea dressing room a little piece of Steve's heart breaks]

3p if you can guess who's sent in the first email of 2008 "Call those five Gahs? I still haven't recovered from: 1. Gah! Eduardo; 2. Gah! Eduardo; 3. Gah! Adebayor; 4. Gah! Arteta; 5. Gah! Rosicky," says Gary Naylor. "And it'll take more than a win at Middlesborough to erase those five Gahs!" Gary, as you may have gathered, is a Liverpool fan.

The teams:

Fulham: Niemi, Volz, Bocanegra, Stefanovic, Konchesky, Davis, Dayvis, Daveez, Dave Is, Davies, Murphy, Omozusi, Dempsey, Kamara. Subs: Warner, Ki-Hyeon, Smertin, Healy, Kuqi.

Chelsea: Hilario, Belletti, Alex, Ben-Haim, Bridge, Anybody who's kicking about and has full use of all their limbs, Wright-Phillips, Sidwell, Essien, Ballack, Joe Cole, Kalou. Subs: Taylor, Obi, Pizarro, Sinclair, Ferreira.

If you are going to face Chelsea in your first game in charge, now's as good a time as any, with an injury list that includes Drogba, Terry, Lampard, Cech, Makelele, the tea lady and Avram Grant's managerial future.

Today marks Roy Hodgson's return to English football, following his jaunt to manage Finland. His team did alright at the weekend and were the marginally better side at St Andrews, although they were playing Birmingham, so let's not get too excited. I've always been a fan of Hodgson, who is that rarest of things - a successful English football export. He did a great job of getting Switzerland to a World Cup and European Championship, although his air of European mystery is undermined slightly by the fact that his voice sounds like a swarm of stoned bees stuck in a jam jar and his bouffant.

The minute-by-minute New Years Day Gah!-ometer:

1 Gah! - Spending £12 on tickets to an "exclusive" New Year's Eve party that turns out to be 500 people packed into a scouts' hut

2 Gahs! - Waking up and realizing you have half-an-hour to get to work and cover the Fulham v Chelsea game

3 Gahs! - Realizing that Fulham will probably pick the deadly Davis/Davies combination in midfield, the enemy of typo-tastic minute-by-minute reporters everywhere

4 Gahs! - Realizing you're going to miss Mary Poppins and Sister Act 2

5 Gahs! - Realizing you've started a riff with no final killer gag. Actually, with no killer gags. Actually with no gags.