Fulham 0-1 Newcastle

Preamble: Life hasn't been much fun of late for either Sam Allardyce or Lawrie Sanchez. Sanchez's Fulham have won one of their last 13, while Big Sam's boys' victory over Birmingham last week was their first since mid-October. Despite a couple of pretty miserable home defeats, Newcastle's indifferent season thus far has been largely down to their away form - one win in seven, and that on the opening day of the season against Little Sam;s dreadful Bolton side. They've even lost at Derby.

Fulham poor run away from home has gone on for longer than a Garth Crooks interview question, but results at Fortress Craven kept them up last season and they'll need to start picking up a few wins by the river if they hope to repeat that feat. Sunderland's draw with Aston Villa this afternoon has dumped the Cottagers in the bottom three - not a nice play to be.

For the X-Factor fans among you, don't worry about missing tonight's grand final - this should be finished before the creepy brother/sister combo, the opera fella with the white hair and that other one go head-to-head this evening. The pressure is on - who remembers Ray Quinn? Nobody. Ben Mills? Didn't think so. Finishing second and third in the X-Factor is like qualifying for the Uefa Cup: people pretend to be bothered, but no-one really cares.

And on a side note, it's great to be back on the MBM - and it's been a while. The last one was so good it's only taken the powers that be four-and-a-half years to ask me back for a second shot. Let's see if we can break that four email record.

Craven Cottage Fabio Capello watch: He's not at there.

Teams: Fulham: Niemi, Omozusi, Hughes, Stefanovic, Bocanegra, Davies, Murphy, Davis, Bouazza, Healy, Dempsey. Subs: Warner, Seol, Smertin, Kuqi, Baird.
Newcastle: Given, N'Zogbia, Rozehnal, Cacapa, Beye, Geremi, Butt, Barton, Milner, Smith, Martins. Subs: Harper, Jose Enrique, Emre, Edgar, Viduka. Referee: Howard Webb (S Yorkshire)

So, as expected, the gaffe-prone Claudio Cacapa is back in for Newcastle, while David Healy comes in for Fulham with Diomansy Kamara suspended.

After all the goals today, George Templeton from Richmond, VA, United States, bets I'm "ready for a dour 0-0 draw with about two shots on target for each team". Let's think positive shall we? Anyone for a 10-goal thriller? And where's Va, anyway?

And we're off! After a minute's silence for Fulham legend Jim Langley who died last Sunday, impeccably observed - well done everyone, Howard Webb blows his whistle and gets things underway.

2min: I'm reliably informed that Sam Allardyce has had a cold this week. He won't have been warmed by a slow opening.

4min: A Simon Davies Hollywood ball fails to find its target. David Healy tugs a shirt and gives away a free-kick. Dejan Stefanovic makes a clearance. Not great stuff.

5min: Antti Niemi flaps at a Geremi corner but Fulham scramble it away.

8min: Habib Beye flicks another corner into the side netting. Very close to the opening goal.

11min: Finn Curry (superb name by the way, superb, I wish I was called something like Finn Curry) suggests a late winner for Brian McBride and a 2-1 victory for Fulham. I doubt it'll happen - the big American is still out with his knee knack. Clint Dempsey, another from that side of the pond, could grab one, but he's barely had a kick yet.

12min: Healy tries to dink one over Shay Given, but the keeper makes a flying save. Made the most of it if you ask me, but if you were wearing the ugly peach and maroon get-up that Given's stuck with you'd be willing to try anything to make yourself look good.

15min: James Milner whips one in, Joey Barton nods down, but Niemi makes a sharp save. Gary Naylor suggests that its "No surprise that Niemi is flapping. Antties often embarrass themselves at Christmas". Which is actually a very good joke sir. In a musical-hall kind of way.

18min: Fulham have weathered the storm - that really was a decent chance for Barton - but are offering very little themselves. In other news, we've equaled my four email record! Just one more will smash it. Get in touch on ashersemergencyMBMline@hotmail.co.uk.

22min: Newcastle look solid - how often do you get to say that? - with David Rozehnal impressing at the minute. Hameur Bouazza (another great name, I wish I was called something like Hameur Bouazza) throws in a cross but no-one is there.

23min: Fulham have a set-piece in a decent position, but Bouazza's delivery is gash.

25min: Bouazza collects a cross-field ball from Davies, cuts inside, and whacks it into orbit. Not sure what he was trying there.

27min: Geremi corner into the arms of Niemi. Niemi shank into the arms of a pensioner in Row C. "Its gone a bit flat," says TV's Craig Burley. It was hardly fizzing in the first place.

31min Dazzling wing play. Individual brilliance. Controlled eye-pleasing passing. Hearty challenges. Goalmouth action. All things we are not seeing here. Instead, each side wins several throw-ins.

33min United seem to be targetting Fulham's right flank with Milner having a regular charge at Elliot Omozusi. But the full-back has been one of the success stories of Fulham's season so far and he's having none of it. More throw-ins.

38min: "I don't like X Factor. It's for poor people. Poor people scare me. Does this break your record?" says Tom Atkins. The record's gone, Tom. Long gone. And you can hardly call albino-barneted wardbler Rhydian a poor person. He's classically trained - that sort of thing takes brass. Obefemi Martins' unwillingness to go wide (Newcastle are playing a front three, with Alan Smith the pivot) is not helping their cause.

40min: Barton slips in Martins, but he is yards offside.

43min: Danny Murphy puts a pass several meters over the head of Dempsey. This game is reaching comically bad proportions. Newcastle's formation isn't working - Smudger has hardly touched the ball - and Fulham lack cohesion between defense and attack. Has anyone got money on Fulham to go down? They don't look very good at the moment.

Half-time... and thank goodness. Webbo puts us out of our misery after only one minute's injury-time. Things can only get better folks - Mr Templeman's earlier prediction is right on the money as it stands.

Thomas Fourquet, a Frenchman, is listening to Motörhead's Orgasmatron "to give a little solemnity to a match I couldn't care less about otherwise". This game is more Portishead so far.

"The dearth of good footie to report got me thinking about the name of Fulham's ground," says Shaun Thompson, emailing from Alicante. "Craven Cottage? Not in the cowardly sense, surely? Or did they name it after a former Newsround presenter? As for daft names, I think my favorite is York City's. I mean, Kit Kat Crescent?" I reckon Fulham's founder's were big fans of the horrormonger Wes. As for oddly named grounds, Shaun, KitKat is only as bad as the Reebok, or the JJB, or the Emirates, or Doncaster's Keepmoat. Though I would enjoy the Wagon Wheel Arena. Surely its only a matter of time.

Teams back out No changes. Oh good. Big Sam's back out too, jogging across the pitch in a rather fetching ribbed salmon-pink scarf.

45mins and 20secs: Bouazza wriggles down the left but his cross into the six-yard box just evades Dempsey. Fulham's best moment of the game.

48min: A couple of you have suggested a late goal for Mark Viduka. The pie-loving Aussie is on the bench - how long will Allardyce wait before throwing him into the fray? Fulham have won a corner.

49min: And have wasted it.

51min: Fulham have a free-kick 35 yards out and take it short to Bouazza who humps it into somewhere near Row AA - that's about 27 rows back. At least ZZ is getting involved. No-one else from the home side is putting it about.

53min: Injury! To Clint Dempsey! Oh, he's okay.

56min: Bouazza wins a corner - do Fulham have anyone else playing for them? - and this time Stefanovic gets a header on goal. Given makes a cup of tea, brushes his teeth, yawns, then takes the ball in his midriff.

57min: Healy capitalizes on hesitancy in the Newcastle back four, but his snap-shot is comfortably saved.

59min: Much better from Fulham, they've stepped it up a notch or two. Emre comes on for Geremi to try to get United back in the game.

61min: Milner charges into the box but his cut-back is worse than a £3 barber's.

63min: Injury! To David Rozehnal! Oh, he's okay too.

66min: Emre curls in a free-kick, Butt wins a low header but it is straight at Niemi. Good chance. Emre, by the way, wears No5. Not a midfielder's number that. Just the sort of thing that gets on my nerves.

69min: Right, I'm picking up a wet towel and flicking the swingers of the gods of fate by stating right now that this'll finish 0-0. Get on.

73min: Still no Viduka for Newcastle. And the mild breeze that got into Fulham's sails seems to have disappeared. They still look most likely to break the deadlock, though. Big Sam's boys have been awful in this half.

77min: Shefki Kuqi comes on for the Cottagers, Viduka also set to be introduced. Can either of the heavyweight strikers deliver the knockout blow? If this was a boxing match the referee would have stopped it - not because one side was on top, but because it would have entailed two boxers standing in a ring looking at each other and refusing to throw a punch.

78min: Rozehnal puts a great chance across the face of goal after deep free-kick. He probably should have gone for goal.

Paul Quigley asks: "What is the all time email record for a GU MBM journalist? Surely they spice it up by insulting one the big four, thus getting inundated by hate?" I can't speak for my colleagues but I would never stoop to such levels.

82min: Fulham waste another corner. By the way, I think Manchester United, Arsenal, Chelsea and Everton are rubbish.

83min: Bouazza robs Smith in the corner, then dinks a cross to the far post where Cacapa does well under pressure from Kuqi.

86min: Barton has a pop from the edge of the box but Niemi is equal to it. Fulham break but Habib Beye does well, again with Kuqi closing in.

89min: One of the worst Premier League games ever? I can't think of one poorer than this.

Two minutes of injury time announced - AND ITS A PENALTY TO NEWCASTLE! Omozusi on Smith - dumb challenge and the right decision by Webb.

91min: GOAL! Joey Barton tucks the penalty low to Niemi's left. The keeper went the right way but it was well struck. Very hard on Fulham.

And that's it... A smash and grab raid by the visitors who deserved nothing - nothing - from the game. My first shout was "never a penalty" but replays showed it probably was. Omozusi was clumsy, Barton was clinical.