Chelsea 1-0 West Ham

76 mins: GOAL!!! Chelsea 1-0 West Ham "And Joe Cole bites the hand that once fed him!" hollers Sky's commentator as Cole latches on to a headed flick by Drogba, skips past the out-rushing Green, and slams the ball high into the net!

74 mins: A long-range Lampard shot is deflected up in the air. Terry goes to volley it as it drops, but Green charges out to put him off - Terry duly blazes the shot well wide. And with that, Solano saunters off to be replaced by Ljungberg.

71 mins: Lampard booked for barging into Boa Morte.

69 mins: Cudicini rolls the ball out to Alex, who wellies it towards Drogba - it's a tactic Chelsea are resorting to with increasing frequency. Erm, what was that we were saying about Chelsea being more inventive under Grant?

67 mins: Shaun Wright-Phillips introduced in place of the pedestrian Sidwell. That should further ignite Chelsea's attack. "Paul, in case the match continues to offer nothing apart from a likely increase in the sale of laser pens, could you mention the Craig Johnston Sky interview again," implores Ian Copestake. "More people need to watch this because we are now getting distracted by the next-manager-for-England-game and not trying to dump out the FA. I used to watch Craig flying down the wing for Liverpool knowing for sure that the end result was always in doubt, but the man's passion is admirable." Ah Craig Johnston, the forward on whom David Nugent modeled himself: see the Aussie's shameless attempt to rob Ian Rush's goal in the 1986 FA Cup final, and Nugent's successful burglary of Jermaine Defoe's in Andorra last year.

64 mins: Cole darts the byline before dinking a cross towards the centre. Pat Jennings-like, Green catches the ball with on hand just as Drogba prepared to nod it into the net.

62 mins: Boa Morte receives the ball just inside the Chelsea half and with no support. So he canters forward and lets fly from 25 yards - comfortable save for Cudicini.

60 mins: Drogba chests a Lampard pass into the path of Kalou, but just as the Ivorian primes himself to shoot, the ref blows for offside. "I'm dismayed that so many pundits are keen on Mourinho for the England job. For starters, he is an arrogant berk. And don't Chelsea's performances under Grant prove the allegation that his success was entirely due to money, not his system or tactics? Personally, I'm backing that English guy who managed to get 24 points with Finland - although I had never heard of him before yesterday." Hmmmn. Given that Roy Hodgson achieved that feat with a 104-year-old Jari Litmanen as spearhead, would his appointment as England boss spell a return for Iron Miaden afficionado Paul Mariner? Or hedgehogs and sparrows?

57 mins: Solano ducks under the ball when presented with a chance to head it at goal from just five yards! Preposterous miss by the Peruvian trumpeter.

55 mins: After a Kalou shot is well held by Green, West Ham hurtle down the other end until Belletti chops down Etherington and gets a yellow card.

53 mins: Lampard picks out Sidwell wide on the right. Mullins attempts to intervene but gets all confused and gifts the ball back to Sidwell, who loops it towards Cole, who smashes it acrobatically over the bar. "Claude Makelele is good in the hedgehog role," chirps Fred Lane. "Marshmallows stick to him."

51 mins: Chelsea have certainly upped their game for this second period, and Lampard nearly plundered reward in the form of a goal. After collecting the ball from Kalou, he drove it low, got his trademark deflection, and groaned as it flashed just wide of the post.

48 mins: After a sweet interchange between Cole and Bridge on the left, Bridge cut the ball into Sidwell in the center. The midfielder shot low and hard from 18 yards, but it was deflected behind for a corner.

46 mins: The teams are back. No change in personnel, but let's hope there's a big change in the play. "Hedgehogs? Spiny Normanesque flea-ridden pests," howls heartless Gary Naylor. "The sparrow never does any harm. Is it suffering? Here's a man who knows." Your scorn for the always-dignified hedgehog is misplaced and unworthy, Gary, but your concern for sparrows partially redeems you. I myself prize all birds, mainly because this thrives on their waste.

Something else to ponder over your mug of mead: "The thing about this game is that if someone who had never watched a football game before sat down to watch this, they wouldn't understand what was going on at all, what the rules were, how you scored points, etc." declares Richard Whittall, not unreasonably.

Something to mull over during the break: "Re: the old Stamford Bridge, I prefer to remember Wayne Clark's winner for Everton in 1987," reminisces Gary Naylor. "There weren't just cars behind the goal, but those sky blue carriages which were once, like sparrows, ubiquitous, but have now vanished." Sparrows vanished? I don't know where you live Gary (actually I do, but I don't want to scare you) but round my way sparrows still abound. It's the country's strange and sudden dearth of hedgehogs that worries me.

45 mins: In attempting to convince us he's no marshmallow cardigan, Boa Morte rumbles into Mikel and gets a booking. But it was a very marshmallowy sort of rumble.

43 mins: Chelsea relieve the pressure long enough to win a corner. Lampard swings it in, and Terry butts it into Green's hands - that's their first shot on target and merits a mention only for that.

40 mins: A further sign of West Ham's growing ascendancy - Kalou cops a booking for chopping down Boa Morte. "Aren't you afraid your words comparing Boa Morte to a marshmallow cardigan will come back to haunt you in about five minutes?" warbles Jim Court. No, Jim, I'm not. Want to know why? Because he carries all the threat of a marshmallow cardigan.

38 mins: Mikel booked for a stupidly blatant hack at Parker. "Looking at the West ham bench, I see that Spector and Collins are on it," observers David Young, whose eyes are obviously unmolested by laser pins. "Maybe these two Phils should get together at half-time and add a Wall of Sound to the Chelsea chant. Would that make it more interesting?" Yes, it probably would - for that's how dull this fare has been.

35 mins: Sci-fi shenanigans at Stamford Bridge: Sky's intrepid touchline reporter has had a word with the fourth official and apparently learned that the reason Drogba went to chat with him was to draw his attention to the purported fact that every time he gets the ball, some one shines a "laser pin" in his eyes.

32 mins: Solano sneaks in to collect a through-ball and, as Bridge gains, he lifts it over Cudicini, who backtracks quick fast and just manages to tip it over the bar.

30 mins: Cole finds Bridge on the left with a sumptuous flick. Bridge curls a cross towards Drogba, who takes it on his chest and attempts to get a shot away - but again Upson read his mind and stifles the danger. As West Ham tear down the other end, Drogba hurtles off to natter with the fourth official - he doesn't look angry or even like he's appealing for something, rather as if he's chatting about the weather or the price of celery.

28 mins: Mikel, who's been an island of calm in the choppy midfield waters, collects a pass from Kalou and clips the ball towards Drogba. The striker attempts to pick out the in-rushing Lampard with a header, but Upson read his intention and got there first.

25 mins: West Ham spent the early period of the game chasing and pressing. That gave them a foothold and now they're trying to clamber higher, gaining in confidence and possession, Solano in the midst of most of their forward movement. Chelsea are starting to look a little ragged.

23 mins: Etherington earns the game's first booking, for a late tackle.

22 mins: West Ham's best move concludes with Solano over hitting a pass aimed at Cole - but Cudicini, after rushing off his line to claim it, fumbles and Cole nearly took advantage. But the keeper recovered just in time. Meanwhile, someone has at last deigned to answer the questions I posted at the top of the page. "In five years time I reckon I'll be at Mourinho's gaudy house discussing a dismal World Cup for England," foresees Marshall Lowenstein. "As for the end of Earth: England will freeze up and the world to lose all its current conviction and direction. After that, Venus will take over."

18 mins: After West Ham win a free-kick wide on the left, Solano has an opportunity to put some pressure on the Chelsea goal for the first time in the game. Instead he dinks the ball straight into Cudicini's arms. "Paul, that chant isn't monotonous," protests Barry Noonan. "Sometimes it becomes 'Chheeeelsay, chelllssssaaay'". Barry, for that contribution, booooooo is the color.

15 mins: Sidwell shepherds the ball out of play - a ridiculous of course of action considering two Chelsea players were awaiting a cross in the middle and all he's done is give West Ham a goal-kick. The Hammers will be happy with that, and their start in general, as Chelsea have yet to apply any real pressure.

12 mins: Parker smacks into Drogba, giving Chelsea yet another free-kick. It's 30 yards out and this time, surely, Alex will usher Lampard away from the ball and take the shot himself. Yes, he does precisely that. And then hammers the ball into the wall. Lampard can't fail to have been impressed.

10 mins: The first shot of the game! Kalou rolled the ball to his compatriot Drogba, who mistook himself for a 20-year-old Norman Whiteside and attempted to send a curling beauty around the defender and into the net from the corner of the box.

8 mins: PEEEEP! Terry knocks the ball to Obi, who slidess it out to PEEEEEEEEP! Lampard then attempts to pick out Drogb PEEEEEP! Alex rools it to Kalou and then PEEEEP! Yes, the flow of this game is being severely interrupted by the ref's propensity to whistle up for every minor tussle.

6 mins: Chelsea have had most of the ball so far but, like incorrigible old-timers with new-fangled technology, they've done very little with it.

3 mins: Drogba clattered to the ground by notorious hatchet man Nobby Solano. It's about 35 yards out, slightly to the left of the goal - Alex territory, to be sure. But Lampard decides he'll have a crack instead, and bangs it straight into the wall.

1 min: We have kick-off. "That 'Chelsea Chelsea' chant may be boring, but is it as boring as the 'One man went to mow' dirge that used to reverberate around that hideous bowl of a ground that was Stamford Bridge in the 70s and 80s?" wonders Gary Naylor. "And do they still sing it?" Yes, Gary, they do still sing that, which I guess shows that despite extortionate price hikes, the new regime hasn't yet managed to run all the old hands out of the ground. As for Stamford Bridge, it certainly has been transformed: why, I remember when Kenny Dalglish scored the winner there that gave Liverpool the Double in 1986, there were cars parked behind the goal!

12:41pm: "I decided to go with 4-5-1 today - or 4-3-3, whatever you want to call it - and Cartlon [Cole] is more suited to that than Dean [Ashton]," says Alan Curbishley to Sky, explaining his team selection but, by contrast, clouding his formation in doubt. Me, I'd say it's closer to 4-4.5-1, because judging by Luis Boa Morte's recent performances, there's no way he should be considered a forward, for he's about as threatening as a marshmallow cardigan.

Preamble:
The wit and variety of Jose Mourinho's Chelsea was best captured by the chant that was most common at Stamford Bridge during his reign there. It went like this: "Chelsea, Chelsea, Chelsea, Chelsea, Chelsea, Chelsea. Chelsea, Chelsea, Chelsea, Chelsea, Chelsea, Chelsea. Chelsea, Chelsea, Chelsea, Chelsea, Chelsea, Chelsea." Monotonous, then, but also remorseless, which is they never lost. If they can avoid defeat today, they'll extend their unbeaten home march to 70 matches but, with Avram Grant now in charge and encouraging at least a little spontaneity, then there's also a chance we could be entertained. Particularly as West Ham, despite their gruesome injury problems, have been playing decent stuff themselves this season; they've not been especially imaginative, but at least they've become snappy and ambitious, no longer the stodgy, befuddled rabble of last season.

Your know it's true:
Alan Curbishley's brother may manage The Who, but what Curbs really needs to do is hire Hammers' fans Iron Maiden to belt out some of their rumbling, rollicking classics - in fact, wouldn't England have played much better at the last World Cup if rather than emulate feeble shoe gazers Embrace, they'd thundered on to the pitch to the sound of Aces High or The Trooper? Of course they would.

Teams:Chelsea: Cudicini, Belletti, Alex, Terry, Bridge, Sidwell, Obi, Lampard, Kalou, Drogba, Joe Cole.
Subs: Hilario, Makelele, Shevchenko, Ben-Haim, Wright-Phillips.

West Ham: Green, Neill, Gabbidon, Upson, McCartney, Solano, Parker, Mullins, Etherington, Boa Morte, Cole.
Subs: Wright, Ljungberg, Ashton, Spector, Collins.

Referee: H Webb (Earth)