How to Be an Israel Fan

As every conscious adult surely knows, England need Israel to get at least a point against Russia today if they are to stand any chance of qualifying for Euro 2008. Victory in Tel Aviv for the visiting Russians and England will be knocked out of the tournament in disappointment and humiliation; success for Israel and England will still be knocked out of the tournament in disappointment and humiliation, but not until next June.

Unaccustomed as you no doubt are to being an Israel supporter, you may need some detailed instructions to help you on your way - so here is a handy print-out-and-keep guide:

Refreshments

You won't be needing beer (let's call it an optional extra), crisps, king-size Mars bars or a burger cooked in a hazardous trailer parked in a garage forecourt on the way to the ground. You do however need sunflower seeds, in their shells. In Israel they are called garinim. Eating them can be a tricky business, but follow these simple steps and you should be all right:

1) Hold the seed so that the edges face up and down2) Insert into the mouth and nibble with your front teeth, splitting the shell3) Still holding the shell, use your tongue to extract the seed4) Eat the seed, and drop the shell on the floor5) Repeat6) At the end of the game, leave a large pile of shells on the floor for somebody else to clean up.

Alternative match-time eating includes pitta bread filled with (kosher) salami or cold omelette and salad (just close your eyes and think of chicken balti pies and you'll be fine). With cans and bottles banned from grounds, fans are forced to buy paper cups of fizzy drinks or to sneak in those pouches of vaguely orange-tasting stuff you pierce with a straw before drinking. If you must drink beer, consider tracking down one of the big Israeli brands, Goldstar or Maccabi.

What to wear

No expensive outlay required: replica kits haven't really taken off in the Holy Land, but a light blue T-shirt would help you look the part.

The anthem

The first verse of Ha'Tikva (the hope) will be sung before kick-off. Up in the stands, the fans will sing it slightly faster than whichever washed-up Israeli pop star is holding the microphone, and in the resulting musical confusion a little hopeful humming is unlikely to be noticed. The whole thing is supposed to sound something like this, but if you're actually at the ground it's actually more like this.

If absolute authenticity is your goal you're going to need the lyrics, helpfully transliterated into an alphabet you, and your computer, might be able to cope with:

Kol od balevav p'nimah Nefesh Yehudi homiyah Ulfa'atey mizrach kadimah Ayin l'tzion tzofiyah Hatikvah bat shnot alpayim L'hiyot am chofshi b'artzenu Eretz Tzion v'Yerushalayim

You may find humming a little easier.

Chants

Local fans have settled on just two handily brief and simple chants. There's nothing to stop you getting stuck into these at home:

El El Yisrael - Upwards, upwards Israel! Yisrael, Milchama - Israel, war!

You may also hear these ones:

Someone's Name Ben-zona - Whoever it is is a son of a bitch Russiya zona, Russiya zona, Russiya motzetzet le'kol ha'shchunah - Russia is a whore, Russia is a whore, Russia sucks off the whole neighbourhood (they're a subtle bunch, those Israelis)

Who to cheer

Somewhat more problematic, but Israeli - and with it English - hopes are largely in the hands of two individuals. The goalkeeper Dudu Aouate (local media spell it Awat, presumably because it's pronounced the same but is a lot easier to spell) plays for Deportivo La Coruna and is very good indeed, and the Argentina-born striker Roberto Colautti has got seven goals in six qualifying games, but is only just back from injury. If Israel are losing feel free to boo or, if Russia are running away with it, weep openly.