Austria v England - Live!

FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUNK-O-METER®: B: "Is tonight's game the most pointless ever?" mopes Russell Williams, who I suggest already knows the answer. "I'm currently stuck in sub-zero Moscow stopping in with a cold and with bugger all to do on a Friday night," whines Oliver Dennis. "Very depressing. Still, not as depressing as pressing refresh every minute for updates on a meaningless friendly." "There's no point to it," cries Ian Brunsdon, who could be talking about this match, his life, my life or his email. Yes, it's party time, right here, right now, on Guardian Unlimited Sport!

Austria, who are worse than useless, haven't named their team yet. Or if they have, I don't know about it. The minute I do, it'll appear here.

Gerrard and Lampard together in central midfield (FUNK-O-METER®: B): Carson; Richards, Campbell, Lescott, Bridge; Beckham, Gerrard, Lampard, Joe Cole; Crouch, Owen.

Introducing THE GUARDIAN UNLIMITED PATENTED FUNK-O-METER®. Steve McClaren's impotent rage as he watches yet another shambles unfold in front of his eyes, Frank Lampard's mood as he flays a shot 17 metres over the bar, Steven Gerrard's pique as pass after pass sails into the dark of the far stand: this baby can measure anything. And it will; kick off is at 8pm.