Manchester United 4-0 Динамо Київ

88 min: WONDERFUL FINISH!!! Manchester United 4-0 Динамо Київ Apart from Ronaldo, that is: he picks the ball up on the left, back heels it past Diakhate, trundles into the box and wallops the ball as hard as he can into the top right across Shovkovskiy, who had no chance.

87 min: Nobody's really bothering.

85 min: This is over.

84 min: El Kaddouri smashes a fantastic volley towards the United net, but Simpson bravely blocks.

82 min: Rooney has a dig from just outside the area. It's straight at the keeper: anywhere else and that would have been four. This is getting silly now.

80 min: Ronaldo latches on to a low, right-wing cross from Saha but can only scoop the ball over the bar from the penalty spot.

77 min: Ronaldo, Rooney and Nani combine in an effort to walk the ball into the net. It's easily cleared. So seconds later Nani decides to go simple, and whacks a pile driver which only just flies wide of the left hand post.

76 min: Bangoura replaces Milevskiy.

75 min: GOAL!!! Manchester United 3-0 Динамо Київ. Just a fantastic cross from the right by Nani to find Rooney free in the center, six yards out; he opens his body out and with the keeper totally out of the game, shins it into the right-hand side of a gaping goal.

74 min: They've just flashed up a caption which says Rooney has run 7,759m tonight, or something. What is this supposed to signify?

72 min: Opening goalscorer Pique is replaced by Johnny Evans, making his Champions League debut on his second-ever appearance in for United.

70 min: Great save from Kuszczak, who gets his hand to a Ghioane cross-goal snapshot and pushes it away with Rincon hovering.

66 min: United take some corners. After a few bouts of head tennis, Rooney has a shot. Wide. Saha and his Amazing Bones of Powder jogs on to replace Tevez. "What I love about the Big Cup is its unpredictability," writes Ray Kelly, one eyebrow arching so high it gets covered in Artex dust from the ceiling. "I mean, three minute-by-minute commentaries tonight and no emails from Gary Naylor. I do hope nothing has happened to him." If this has already been mentioned in Glendenning and/or Bandini's commentaries, Kelly, I'm going to lose it. A proper meltdown, right here.

64 min: United are just stroking it round for sport. Evra suddenly springs clear on the left and pulls the ball back for Tevez, who smashes a shot goal wards; a fantastic save from Shovkovskiy. Then Ronaldo picks the ball up and pulls it back for Simpson, who smashes a shot goalwards; a fantastic save from Shovkovskiy. "Mind if I ask dull questions?" asks Kane Barwick. Yes.

59 min: And this should have been 2-1! Rebrov slips the ball out right to Markovic, who side foots the ball across the face of an empty net - but Rincon, sliding in, can't connect.

58 min: This should have been three for United: Ronaldo slips a ball down the inside left channel for Rooney, who clips it across to Tevez, alone in acres. For some reason, he hesitates instead of smashing it home first time, and the ball is soon taken off his boot.

55 min: A nice period of passing from Kyiv ends with Milevskiy spinning on the spot and unleashing a volley which looked goal bound - but it's deflected at the last away for a corner. From which a Diakhate header nearly loops into the far right corner of the goal - again it's deflected for a corner. From which Diakhate is only inches away from connecting three yards out. United want to watch it here.

54 min: The referee must have put a new pea in his whistle, or have a new whistle, because he just blew up for a Ronaldo foul as he attempted to latch onto a through ball from Rooney and nearly perforated my eardrum. That's some good whistlin'!

52 min: Neither team are showing much urgency here. In fairness to United, they don't need to bother.

49 min: It's a bit too early to showboat, though: Ghioane cuts inside from the left and feeds Rincon, who with his back to goal, turns quickly and hammers a shot which Kuszczak does well to parry clear.

48 min: Superb skill from Rooney, who flicks it up and over his head Le Tissier style to completely wrongfoot El Kaddouri.

47 min: United pass it here, they pass it there.

And we're off again! Kyiv have made a positive, or possibly suicidal, double substitution: strikers Rebrov and Rincon have come on for mid fielders Gusev and Rotan. Meanwhile just as in Kyiv, Van der Sar has been subbed for Kuszczak; the big keeper's got a poorly foot.

Half-time: Manchester United 2 - 0 Динамо Київ. The referee brings the half to an end with three of the shortest trills on a whistle I have ever heard. He must have a very small pea. That was for the most part dreadful - Динамо are an absolute shower - but United sprang to life after a somewhat lucky break in the box for their first goal - the ball pin balling around off offside players - and the Tevez strike was simply magnificent. "Carlos Tevez, what a player," writes Ian Melven. "That was the sort of goal that kept West Ham up last season. Now we've got Carlton Cole and everyone else is crocked. Bo[Snip! - Swearing Editor]ks." Oh Ian! How could you! Such a filthy mouth! "Oh Scott," begins Svetochka Fictional, and before she can even say цигарка, I'm off. Back in a sec.

44 min: Everyone seems to be milling around waiting for the half-time whistle. Are they allowed to do this?

41 min: Rotan sprays a beautiful cross field ball left to right towards Markovic. Nothing whatsoever comes of it, but top marks for aesthetics.

39 min: This should have been 2-1: a Kyiv corner from the right finds its way right across the face of goal to Rotan, six yards out and just to the left of the net. It's a fantastic chance, but he slices it horribly wide and into the side netting. Many things are now happening. This is good.

36 min: ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC GOAL!!! Manchester United 2 - 0 Динамо Київ Tevez robs Correa of the ball in the center circle and powers into the Kyiv half. Within a couple of seconds he's on the edge of the area, exchanging a one-two with Rooney; the return's a bit behind him so he has to check, but he drags the ball with him into the area and wheechs it past the stranded Shovkovskiy. Wonderful stuff from United.

34 min: Ronaldo sees a potshot deflected; corner. From it, Vidic muscles his way to the ball and powers a header just wide right of the Kyiv goal.

32 min: Diakhate is booked for arguing about the Tevez affair.

30 min: THANK THE LORD! SOMETHING HAPPENS!!! AND WHAT HAPPENS IS A GOAL!!! Manchester United 1 - 0 Динамо Київ. United win a free kick out right. Ronaldo whips it in, Carrick flicks it on with his head, the ball belabors off (an offside) Tevez's back, spoons across the face of the goal towards Pique, who heads back across past Shokovskiy and into the top right-hand corner.

29 min: A car drives past the window of Guardian Unlimited Mansions.

26 min: Kyiv enjoy a couple of minutes of possession, but they do very little with it. Van der Sar lets a back pass run across the face of his goal and Rotan nearly gets to it, sort of, but he doesn't. This match is impossible to sex up. "So the NHL superstar who was 'friends' with Anna Kornikova when she was 15 is playing defense for Kyiv now? That's the only midly entertaining part of this crapfest so far!" writes a thorougly bored Jon Cummins, before admitting: " OK, yes, I know it's not the real Sergei Federov." That we're reduced to this, Jon, that we're reduced to this.

23 min: Carrick heads a Ronaldo corner goal wards, but it's punched confidently clear by Shovkovskiy.

20 min: After a couple of early sorties for each side, this is now very, very dull. Gotta love the group stages of the Champions League.

18 min: Rooney is booked for chasing the full length of the pitch to hack down Vaschuck.

17 min: Our system is jiggered so you probably won't be able to read this for a while, perhaps ever, but Rooney nearly crafts the opener for United as he bustles into the box and loops a cross to Nani, who side foots wide from six yards out, just right of goal.

12 min: Ronaldo is livid as he knocks the ball past Diakhate on the edge of the Kyiv area and is checked as he attempts to scoot away. The referee's having none of it: no free kick.

9 min: A brilliant back heel releases Tevez into the right-hand side of the Kyiv box, but the striker's cross is far too deep and strong for Rooney to get his head onto.

5 min: Kiev are looking dangerous: Correa streams forward straight down the center of the pitch and sprays the ball out left to Ghioane. He's in acres, but his cross - with two Kyiv players waiting in the center and only Vidic putting up any sort of fight - is poor and Van der Sar claims easily. A good end-to-end start.

3 min: Ronaldo has a flick at a corner from six yards out: he pokes his leg round the static Fedorov and nearly guides the ball into the top right corner. A good effort: there wasn't much space to play with there. The PA announcer's face is now shut, but there's still not much atmosphere.

2 min: A positive start from Kyiv, as Ghioane picks the ball up on the left touchline, cuts inside and lays a square ball across to Correa, who has ample time to shoot but shanks his shot horribly wide. That was a decent chance and a terrible effort. United's back four were standing around like office workers wondering whether to chain their third cigarette in a row before going back up to work.

And they're off! United set the ball rolling. There's absolutely no atmosphere at Old Trafford, mainly because the match day announcer is still screaming down the PA. Will you shut up?

The teams are out. Zadok the Priest, handshakes, photo ops, jogging about a bit, stretching, coin tossing.

7.29pm: "Oh Scott, I love it when you smoke your цигарка," writes Aleksandreyeva Fictional. OK, Aleksandreyeva, that's me back in two.

Manchester United, who: Van der Sar, Simpson, Vidic, Pique, Evra, Ronaldo, Carrick, Nani, Fletcher, Rooney, Tevez.
Subs: Kuszczak, Brown, Anderson, Saha, O'Shea, Evans, Eagles.

Динамо душ;потік (Dynamo Shower): Shovkovskiy, Fedoriv, Vashchuk, El Kaddouri, Markovic, Diakhate, Rotan, Correa, Gusev, Ghioane, Milevskiy.
Subs: Rybka, Rebrov, Bangoura, Rincon, Gavrancic, Ninkovic, Dopilka.

рефері (I'm trying my best, though that site could be making things up): Jan Wegereef (Holland)

Correction: Sorry, that should have read Динамо are an absolute душ;потік. I hope to God that Ukrainian-English translation website I googled is giving it to me straight.

Динамо are an absolute shower. That's if United's 4-2 romp in Київ the other week is anything to go by, which it is. "If Liverpool can slot eight past Besiktas," writes Neil Stainthorpe, "then that should mean at least double figures tonight, eh?" You know what's going to happen now, don't you. Kick off is at 7.45pm, by the way.

"We have had our disappointments in the Champions League but this season I really believe we are capable of going all the way." Yep, we've heard this line before alright. Fergie will be getting ever more desperate, though: having just completed his 21st etc, and so on, and so forth, he must be worried that opportunities are running out for him to join the elite club of Managers Who Have Won The European Cup More Than Once. Is the fact that he isn't a Manager Who Has Won The European Cup More Than Once - having worked at the self-styled world's biggest club in an era when, unlike your Paisleys and Cloughs, he's been practically guaranteed a tilt at the trophy every single year - quite revealing? It's so hard to say, isn't it.