Liverpool 8 - 0 Turkish Shower

Full time: Liverpool 8 - 0 Complete Shower. Markus Merk doesn't even bother with added time. We're done here. "Even Derby County did better than this," notes George Templeton. "Shouldn't Uefa bust Besiktas out of the competition for crimes against football?" Yes, that's right, George is from the USA.

88 min: THE BIGGEST EVER CHAMPIONS LEAGUE WIN. Liverpool 8 - 0 Besiktas. Benayoun breaks clear down the right and dinks a perfect cross over to Crouch, who heads home from six yards. This has been great stuff from Liverpool, but Besiktas are a complete shower. "Is someone going to keep suicide watch over Arikan tonight?" asks a worried Tamar Wilner. "Every time I hit page refresh, Liverpool score," adds Billy Murphy. "This is an amazing new invention on par with the Flay-o-meter®!"

87 min: Babel is upended in the box after breaking through - but it's not a penalty because he mistimed his run and was offside. "How did Liverpool lose to this lot two weeks ago?" asks Michael Meagher. No idea whatsoever: Besiktas are a complete shower.

Still 83 mins: Babel crashes a header off the crossbar from a Kewell cross. That would have been one of the quickest hat-tricks ever in the Champions League - and he probably should have scored as he was only six yards out with Besiktas keeper Eejit flapping.

83 min: Bobo has a shot. Reina saves easily.

80 min: BESIKTAS ARE ABSOLUTELY USELESS. Liverpool 7 - 0 Besiktas. Another for Babel, but he doesn't know much about it this time. He chases a long ball with Toraman, who kicks the ball back upfield - only for it to hit Babel and loop over the clown in the Besiktas goal and into the net.

78 min: THIS IS ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT. Liverpool 6 - 0 Besiktas. Just a stunning piece of skill from Babel here. Benayoun rolls a ball across the face of goal from the right. Babel's got his back to goal, so he simply flicks the ball into the net with the back of his heel. Think Kanu at Middlesbrough, or Lee Sharpe against Barcelona. Utterly magnificent (though Besiktas are a shower).

77 min: Ricardinho replaces Sedif.

75 min: Kewell executes a scissor kick from just outside the area. Badly. Flay-o-meter®: B. Meanwhile Colin Mackay (23 mins) has a point, according to John Hird. "As a kid I always wondered why Motty and Davies used the term 'he telegraphed that pass' meaning 'it was obvious and he lost the ball.' Surely it should have been 'he faxed it'? Obviously today we should be saying 'he emailed or texted that'."

73 min: Riise takes a shot from nearly 40 yards. Now that's just rude. Flay-o-meter®: B.

71 min: The crowd sing for Harry Kewell, and they get their wish, the Aussie replacing the excellent Voronin. Meanwhile Gerrard does one; Lucas comes on for him.

68 min: Flay-o-meter®: D! Deco Deflect-o-Meter®: J! Liverpool 5 - 0 Besiktas. Liverpool do the pretty passing thing again. Then they burst forward: Mascherano passes forward, Voronin back flicks towards Gerrard, who races into the box and finds the net via a deflection which wrong foots the keeper). Besiktas are a Turkish Shower.

65 min: Gerrard takes a free kick which doesn't register on the Flay-o-meter® as it's hammered witlessly into the wall. Some sad news for budding inventor Tom Church (58 min): Barcelona's Deco has the deflect-o-meter already patented, according to Patrick Noctor.

63 min: Just brilliant by Babel, who releases Gerrard into the box with a fantastic cushioned flick. Flay-o-meter®: D. Parried. Babel picks the ball up. Flay-o-meter®: D. Tipped round the post for a corner by the shaky keeper.

62 min: Liverpool make their first change: Fabio Aurelio goes off, Ryan Babel comes on.

61 min: Besiktas make their second substitution of the night: right-back Kurtulus is replaced by striker Higuain.

60 min: Liverpool are pinging it about in pretty triangles again. "Who are these people and what have they done with Rafa Benitez and Liverpool?" asks a not-unreasonably-confused George Templeton.

58 min: Liverpool ping it about the traffic cones passing for Besiktas players to a chorus of "ole"s. Eventually the ball bounces off Toroman's hand in the area - that should have been a penalty. "A Lampard Loft-o-Meter®?" splutters Tom Church. "Surely a Deflect-o-Meter® would be a more useful invention. Lampard thrashes blindly at the ball, sending it from A to F via C, G and H. That'd really bring one of his free kicks to life."

55 min: HAKAN ARIKAN IS A RISIBLE JOKE. Liverpool 4 - 0 Besiktas. Free kick by Gerrard. Flay-o-meter®: D. The keeper's in the way, but instead of catching it, or clearing, he parries softly to Benayoun, who completes his hat-trick with another easy tap-in.

54 min: Voronin's turned into Xabi Alonso. What's going on? Now he scoots down the right and curls in a brilliant cross for Crouch. Luckily for the big man, he's offside - because his limp shank wide would have been the miss of the season otherwise.

52 min: GOAL!!!!! Liverpool 3 - 0 Besiktas. This is too easy. Voronin plays Riise into the left-hand side of the box with a smart reverse pass. The full-back belabors the ball straight at Hakan Arikan, who can only parry the ball into the air; it falls slowly back to earth where Benayoun awaits to side foot home his second of the match.

51 min: This is nice and relaxing. Nothing's happening at all.

48 min: Gerrard chases a long punt into the Besiktas box, slides in and crumps the studs of his boot into Hakan Arikan's chin. Ooyah oof.

47 min: Gerrard whips in a brilliant cross from the left which only just misses Benayoun in the centre. "Why oh why oh why oh why," begins Richard Jones, who seems to have mistaken this report for an edition of Points of View, "doesn't the mighty Stevie G adopt the tried and tested technique of captain marvel Jonny Wilkinson prior to blasting one goal wards? I would love to see Stevie adopt Wilkinson's arm posture before shankin' one goal bound."

And we're off again: Ali Tandogan replaces Serdar Ozkan. "Shouldn't there be a Flay-o-meter® for Frank Lampard's launches over at the Chelsea game?" asks Holly McGuire, who suggests a Lampard Loft-o-meter®. Our production system couldn't cope with a Loft-o-meter®, I'm afraid, Holly; the pictures on these pages can only be a maximum of 256 pixels high.

"Oh Scott, I love it when you smoke your cigarettes!" So writes Gertrude Fictional, who will be no doubt pleased to hear I've just had one. Not only that, I've made myself a cup of Flavia English Breakfast Tea flavor drink; I'm high on life. "Slide rules, Motorola's, bollox," writes Ian Brunsdon. "Players use their agents for calculations." A foul mouth, but fair's fair, he makes a fair point.

Half time: Liverpool 2 - 0 Besiktas. Nothing much else happens in that half. The whistle goes and Liverpool wander off the pitch in a manner which can be best described as jaunty. "If you extrapolate and intersect B and D, that's where that free kick just went," suggests Gavin Hutchinson. The Flay-o-meter® was supposed to make things easier, wasn't it.

42 min: GUARDIAN UNLIMITED PATENTED STEVEN GERRARD WAYWARD FLAY-O-METER® SPECIAL: Toraman upends Voronin. Free kick. And isn't that just typical: Gerrard takes a hopeless swipe at the ball and sends it sailing into the stands... low and left. Bah! I don't have a blue dot for that. It's sort of B but down a bit. Gah. I'm in a hot funk about that.

40 min: Benayoun has a frantic flay! Flay-o-meter®: A. "Is Colin Mackay suggesting we rename the slide-rule pass as the Motorola pass, as that's what players use for calculation?" asks Nathan Smith, knowing full well he didn't, but ploughing on nonetheless as he's got quite a good zinger he'd like to share with us. "Maybe we should we be renaming other footballing terms after mobile phones: can I suggest the Nokia nutmeg, the blackberry back pass, and the Eriksson quarter-final defeat?"

37 min: Gerrard sashays through the middle and looks about to unleash a screamer (Flay-o-meter®: E) but Crouch takes the ball off his toe - ! - and has a thrash himself. It's easily blocked by that man Diatta.

36 min: Mascherano passes the ball forward! Yes, he really did do it!

35 min: Besiktas are a shower. How the hell did Liverpool lose to this lot in Istanbul? "If the MBM's days are numbered as you, Dave Mooney and Colin Mackay suggest, then I withdraw my earlier comment," writes Owen Linderholm. "Enjoy that half-time cigarette." Will do.

32 min: SUPERB GOAL!!!! Liverpool 2 - 0 Besiktas. Voronin sends in a delightful cross from the left, which takes out both visiting central defenders and drops at the feet of Benayoun, who takes one touch and hammers the ball into the net (Flay-o-meter®: D).

30 min: Mehmet nearly breaks clean through in the area after Arbeloa, Carragher and Reina all hesitate; the keeper finally takes evasive action and shanks it into the stands Stevie style (Flay-o-meter®, which I intend to use by hook or by crook: B).

28 min: Diatta denies Crouch, who for a moment looks like he's about to scoot free in the box, with a magnificent sliding tackle. The best two players on the park tonight, this is an ersatz version of the duel between Pele and Bobby Moore in the 1970 World Cup.

27 min: A period of quiet reflection.

23 min: Crouch unleashes a purler with the outside of his right foot from the right-hand edge of the area; the spectacular effort only just flies wide of the left-hand post. This is excellent stuff. Sadly, it appears Guardian Unlimited's days are numbered, if Dave Mooney's comments on Steven Gerrard's attempts at slide-rule passes are anything to go by. Bear with this. "It is a surprise to me - and should be a worry to the Guardian - that it has an audience demographic who know what a slide rule pass is," says Colin Mackay. "I used the expression recently, and had to (attempt to ) explain to my eldest son what a slide rule was, and why anyone should want to use one - especially nowadays as players' phones have calculators in them. He remains unconvinced and thinks I made it up."

21 min: Liverpool are playing brilliantly here, and it's not often we've been able to say that this season. Arbeloa forces Hakan Arikan to tip over with a looping shot from the right; from the corner, Riise sees his powerful header cleared off the line.

18 min: CROUCHIGOL!!!!!!!! Liverpool 1 - 0 Besiktas. Liverpool deserve this. Voronin picks the ball up from Mascherano in the center of the pitch and feeds the ball towards Crouch. The pass isn't that great, but it forces Cisse to make a desperate sliding interception - and all his tackle achieves is toeing it on to Crouch, who scampers free. His first shot is parried by Hakan Arikan, but he's first to the rebound and slots home.

15 min: Diatta once again defends well, beating Crouch to a low Benayoun cross from the right, playing the ball off the stooping striker and into touch for a goal kick. We're one sixth of the way in, and Steven Gerrard has yet to take a frantic thrash at the ball. Why won't he take a frantic thrash at the ball! I want to use the Flay-o-meter®!

13 min: A Benayoun snapshot flies wide right as Arbeloa once again finds acres of space down the right. This is a fairly impressive start by Liverpool.

11 min: Serdar Ozkan is booked for giviing away a free kick, then not allowing Liverpool to take it. "I find your Sir Steven Gerrard Flay-o-meter to be highly unfair," opines Dave Mooney. Everyone's a critic these days. "Sometimes Sir Stevie tries for the Bergkampesque slide-rule pass along the ground, so I suggest that you augment your chart with F: ball sent into touch at ground level and G: ball passed directly to feet of player on opposing team." OK, will do, you're talking my language.

9 min: Arbeloa exchanges passes brilliantly with Benayoun down the right and scampers free into the box, but his touch is Voronin-poor and Diatta is able to rush in and clear when a shot had previously looked on. "The numbers!" screams Richard Whittall. "I don't know where the ball is on the pitch, call out the numbers!! Faster Scott, faster!" I've made a rod for my own back here, haven't I.

7 min: After a couple of minutes of nothingness, Riise breaks free down the left and whips his cross in; Crouch meets it with a powerful header which only just flies wide left. "Unlike the many members of the large and diverse Fictional clan," writes Owen Linderholm, "I am gently saddened (though respectful of your personal decision) when you smoke your cigarettes, since it means hastening the day when you are replaced in your ultimate role in life as an MBM writer." This is my ultimate role in life? That being the case I'm upgrading from Marlboro Lights to JPS. Can you still get JPS?

3 min: First preposterous miss of the evening as Crouch wins a header in the box and the ball falls to Voronin, free in the center. Instead of standing up and kicking it, he decides to shimmy around on his ample buttocks like a toddler instead, and can only skew a hopeless effort wide.

2 min: First chance of the game goes to Mehmet Sedef, who slides in to meet a low cross from the right; his shot is only just wide of the right-hand post.

1 min: Besiktas win the first corner of the match. It's Premiershipesque in its uselessness.

And we're off! Beskitas kick things off, Liverpool choosing to kick towards the local branch of McDonalds in the second half, as tradition dictates.

You'll Never Walk Alone: Anfield is singing it. Anfield seems up for it. I'm not. I've got a heavy cold. Please be gentle with me.

History Today with Neil McKeown: "Are you aware that the phrase 'back to square one' comes from the Radio Times grid to which you referred earlier? I think. Actually I can't remember who told me but they're probably not to be trusted so maybe not." They say you learn something new every day, but that's not actually true, is it. "Oh Scott, I love it when you smoke your cigarettes," writes Elsie Fictional. Right, OK, sure. Back in a sec.

Dirk Kuyt has been dropped, and no wonder, but where the hell's Torres? If he's fit enough for the bench he's fit enough for etc.: Reina, Arbeloa, Carragher, Hyypia, Riise, Benayoun, Aurelio, Mascherano, Captain Steven George Gerrard MBE and his Amazing Wayward Passes And Shots, Voronin, Crouch.Subs: Martin, Finnan, Kewell, Torres, Kuyt, Babel, Lucas.

Besiktas, who could do with a win themselves, so hopefully this will be an open game: Hakan Ankan, Serdar Kurtulus, Mehmet Sedef, Delgado, Bobo, Diatta, Cisse, Ibrahim Uzulmez, Serdar Ozkan, Koray Avci, Ibrahim Toraman.Subs: Rustu Recber, Mehmet Yozgatli, Higuain, Ricardinho, Ali Tandogan, Ibrahim Kas, Batuhan Karadeniz.

Referee: Markus Merk (Germany).

An Evertonian perspective: "Everton fans are in a quandary," writes Gary Naylor. "Do they, like me, wish for a Liverpool defeat tonight and an effective end to their season in early November; or do they, as my brother insists, wish for a Liverpool victory to ensure Rafa stays in his post and thus Liverpool continue trophy-free for the foreseeable future?" For the record, Naylor emailed this to me at 5.29pm, two hours and 16 minutes before kick off. I'm actually beginning to get genuinely worried about this pattern of behavior. It's not right. It just isn't.

Between 1927 and 1939, football matches on BBC Radio were described by two commentators. One provided a running description of play. The other followed the ball, and depending on its position on the pitch, called out numbers which corresponded to a grid printed in the Radio Times. It's unclear why this perfectly logical system was dropped: you'd certainly get more of an idea about what's going on than you do today without it (although to be fair Alan Green is handicapped in his efforts to describe what happens as he can't see further than the end of his own nose). Anyway, clarity is what we're all about, so with Steven Gerrard promising to "go for the jugular" in this must-win match for Liverpool, we unveil the greatest leap forward in football commentary since the salad days of the wireless: the GUARDIAN UNLIMITED PATENTED STEVEN GERRARD WAYWARD FLAY-O-METER®.