Valencia 1-2 Chelsea

71 min: GOAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Drogba 71 min) Chelsea broke at lightning pace and Cole, who might have handled the ball, played a superb ball - 30 yards, outside of his foot - through to Drogba -who finished from an angle. Great goal.

70 min: Nikola Zigic -who is actually taller than two Peter Crouches - is on for Morientes.

67 min: "I don't want to decry JT's undoubted bravery, but can I just point out that it pales into consideration next to Shaun Edwards, who once played SEVENTY MINUTES of a Challenge Cup Final with a fractured eye socket (not treated, no mask, no painkillers)," says Peter Darbyshire. "This is rugby league, not soccer ball here. " Yup, I saw Shaun in reception the other day, and I can confirm he looks incredibly hard. The security guards were eyeing him up like he was a hired heavy. Not the kind of man you'd call Patty to his face. Marchena pings in a shot, but it's well wide - no surprise he hasn't scored for three years.

63 min: Chelsea are chugging along comfortably enough here. We're dipping out of minor classic territory. Oh, look Shevchenko is warming up. We're definitely dipping out of minor classic territory. "I'm very disappointed Canizares isn't playing," sobs Carole "Pattie" Nicoll. "I have a soft spot for borderline-crazy, peroxide-addicted keepers. What can I say?" There's always Steve Sidwell, he's almost peroxide. Almost.

60 min: Makelele has picked up a knock and Steve Sidwell might come on in the not too distant future (Valencia were actually interested in Sidwell last season).

59 min: Drogba releases Malouda again (see Moretti's "goal") but this time Miguel blocks the attempted cut-back.

56 min: "Is that the same Pat Sullivan of "rather good gag" fame," asks Thomas "Padraig" Bartlett. "Are all the Pats just you? Because the gag and the wit were crap." Nope, all real Pats here. They do share the crap wit with me though. Villa finishes coolly but was offside, which is just as well because I was attempting to spell Padraig.

53 min: Carvalho clears with a brilliant diving hair and non-goalscorer Moretti nearly heads in the resulting corner. Brave JT had gone walkabout. "Actually I know the pain of Pat diminutives, in a terrible Neville Neville type situation my dad is also a Patrick," says Patrick "Pats" Husssey. "He gets Paddy and I get 'Pats' which is what they call young Patrick's in Ireland. Pats is just not a uber manly is it?" Not really, no. Remember to tune into our new Patrick podcast "Pat's A Wrap!" on Monday when we'll be interviewing Pat Sharpe.

50 min: Drogba is back on, so his hamstring knack obviously isn't too bad. Look! There he is leaping to flick the ball on to Joe Cole now. Joe miscontrols it though, probably thinking about those idiots at Uefa.

48 min: Re: Cole's goal. So why have soccer net.com changed their goalscorer to E Moretti (og)" asks David "Pat" Young. "Not that I care. I'm a gooner." Because they're lackies toeing the Uefa line, Joe Cole put it in, or my name's not Tom "Pat" Lutz.

"Can you mention my literary blog," asks Patrick Hussey. "Yes, I can because your name is PAT mostly:

A doubting Pat (Patty McPat Pat Sullivan) writes: "Yes, Tom, Avram is very special. He has done wonderful things like playing ineligibles. He was truly a hidden gem the Israelis coveted and masterfully kept hidden from the rest of the world. Amazing they let him go. If only he had world-class talent, just think what Chelsea could do." Any other Pats have opinions on football, or what it's like to have a unisex name in a man's world? It would be average to hear from you.

A Pat (Pat McDaniel) writes "I am ALL MAN, baby!" Yeah, but you're no Pat Nevin, the man brought far-left politics to the world of football.

Some half-time thoughts from you, the treasured reader. The man called Gary Naylor speaks: "With the four nations of our Kingdom fielding separate sports teams, it's seldom that all subjects of the Queen are united. But with even Chelsea fans wishing to speed the departure of the not-so-special one, is the Kingdom at one for the first time since Diana's funeral?" Well, I reckon everyone except Chelsea fans want Grant to stick around and flip things up. That was until tonight, when he came a managerial genius.

45 min+1: Ah, Drogba looks a bit better and gets in a meaty challenge, it'll be interesting to see whether Grant risks him in the second-half.

45 min: Chelsea are content to keep possession for the end of the half. Ferreira ends a long spell of possession with a cross that Drogba doesn't quite latch on to. Drogba, by the way, is clutching his hamstring - his side are beginning to control this game though.

42 min: Is Avram Grant actually a decent manager? Chelsea are drawing against a very good team and are actually playing attractive football - Essien and Cole's short passes in midfield in particular have been very slick indeed.

40 min Essien slips it through to Drogba and he starts to complain that he's offside. Unfortunately he doesn't bother to check with the linesman who hasn't flagged him and he wastes a brilliant chance - he was clean through too.

36 min: A question I will answer because I actually know the answer. "Do you know why Hildebrand is the starting keeper tonight instead of Canizare," asks Rob Hisnay. Well, Hildebrand played at the weekend and kept Valencia's first clean sheet for ages, so I guess it's all about keeping a settled defence. None of this Rafa Benitez rotation crap for Valencia, no siree.

33 min: It's a shame you have to follow this on MBM because this is a minor classic so far. A cross is heading for Morientes's slap before Brave JT heads it away. Take that fractures. "Damn it, it's Patrick," says Patty Sullivan. "We Americans have this fear that all men named Pat are androgynous." You don't get much more manly than communist agitator Pat Nevin.

30 min: "Why a photo of Idol's Simon Cowell? Surely Jose the Dog-Hider or Avram Spouse of Pee-Drinker would've been a better choi...ohhh...okayyy...you've got Simon there to seem as though he's (figuratively) JUDGING (!)," chuckles David Studer. "Weighing Chelsea in the balance and finding them wanting?" Yup, that's right, that's exactly what I was thinking, it's kind of a postmodern comment or summit. Ashley Cole has been excellent by the way, as he has been generally since Mourinho left.

27 min: So maybe JT's brave roar hasn't worked after all. They leave Joaquin (not Joaquin, for God's sake!) in acres of space and he nearly scores, but for a great block from Essien. Villa has a chance to fire it back in but his effort is well over.

25 min: So JT's brave roar has inspired his team after all. That was great movement and passing from Chelsea, but Valencia have looked a bit suspect in defence, leaving plenty of space for their opponents. So JT's brave roar has inspired his team after all.

GOAL!!!!!!!!!!! (J Cole 21 min) Ha! Drogba plays Malouda in, he squares it across the six-yard area and Joe Cole taps it in.

19 min: "It is a measure of Mourinho's spotlightishness that His Specialty
features in all his glory on the MBM page, while Grant's miniscowl will be postered all over tomorrow's paper( and of course, verbally in the Fiver)," asks Sheerand Sarpotdar. "By the way, Tom, who would win if you had an MBM duel with Scott? Would've been more fun if Thomas Castagneide was an MBM correspondent, eh?" Well, Murray is a comic genius, but is also a tempremental genius, so it would depend on what mood he was in. Ah, what am I saying, he'd beat me in any mood. Drogba, spins free and his shot is deflected for a corner that comes to nothing. Chelsea's best chance so far.

15 min: Joaquin is causing all kinds of problems on the right. He wins a free-kick when five Chelsea players have to close him down. Ray Wilkins insists it's some kind of foreign cheating, but it isn't: he's just too good.

13 min: Here's Pat Sullivan with a rather good gag: "Q: can something be fractured and broken?
A: Yes, see Chelsea for two weeks."

11 min: Chelsea were actually pretty unlucky there - a loose ball ricocheted off Essien and Villa latched on to it, sped through and finished very nicely indeed.

GOAL!!!!!!!!!!!! (Villa 9 min) Oh.

8 min: Actually, Chelsea don't look too bad so far. They're closing down Valencia quicly and pinging it about quite nicely when in possession. Ferreira knocks a cross in, but no one gets to it.

7 min: "Dear tom i suggest that you leave out all commas and full stops semi- colons speech marks etc this will make your commentary much more exciting" says Harry Wolf Hey you're right it does whataboutnospacesthatsevenbetterRockon

5 min: Essien whips a ball in that, if Chelsea had really been playing 4-3-3, would have gone to a striker. Instead Hildebrand gathers easily.

3 min: Joaquin - who has been brilliant this season - surges forward and cuts the ball across the box for Silva who blasts it a few inches over - should have done better.

1 min: "I suppose 47 desperate CFC fans might watch/listen/read, but not many more," says Phil James. "So you could probably make most of it up!" Ah come one Phil, this is a very interesting game. If they get slaughtered will Avram Grant be out of a job? Will Chelsea develop some kind of siege mentality that propels them to victory., Will Shevchenko start playing brilliantly now that Mourinho has gone (if anything he's looked worse so far). Then again I could make it up: Chelsea are 5-0 up and I'm thoroughly enjoying Bloomberg's up-to-the-minute business coverage.

Preamble: Chelsea's brave John Terry is back with his special mask and his special brave roar, despite his broken cheekbone (or fractured, can something be fractured and broken?) Ricardo Carvalho is also back in the first-team after recovering from injury, which is just as well for Chelsea because - in case you hadn't heard - they've been a bit dodgy of late. Valencia, on the other hand, have won their last five games. If I had to make a prediction - and I do because it's my job and that - I'd say Cheslea are going to be done here. Not in a spectacular 5-0 way, but a sad going-out-with-a-whimper 1-0 way.

Teams: Valencia: Hildebrand, Miguel, Albiol, Helguera, Moretti,
Joaquin, Marchena, Albelda, Silva, Morientes, Villa. Subs:
Canizares, Sunny, Baraja, Angulo, Zigic, Arizmendi, Alexis.

Chelsea: Cech, Ferreira, Terry, Carvalho, Ashley Cole,
Makelele, Essien, Obi, Joe Cole, Drogba, Malouda. Subs:
Cudicini, Shevchenko, Sidwell, Pizarro, Kalou, Alex, Belletti.

"As a Canadian lost in the cultural wilderness of the United States, I hoped to find solace in your mbm commentary, but instead it woefully lacking in enthusiasm (well, and content too) - especially when compared to the exuberance of Scott Murray ... is it because, like Chelsea fans around the world, the blades of grass your grasping to prevent you from falling into the abyss look a lot like Avram Grant," says Alex Muggah. "Maybe it would be better to just let go and make the pain go away..." Nah, Alex it's because we've got the following channels on the sports desk: Bloomberg, Al-Jazeera, At the bloody races, Sky Sports News (Twice!), but until ten minutes ago we didn't have Sky Sports Extra, home to Chelsea tonight. Now, I'm all for Al-Jazeera's alternative world view, but on a sports desk I'd rather have a football channel. Still, it's here now so lets get enthusiastic. And by the way, anyone that says Murray is enthusiastic, is a liar.

Andriy Shevchenko is out and up front we have Didier Drogba with Joe Cole and Malouda supporting him in what they call a 4-3-3 to make it sound exciting, but is really 4-5-1 and we all know it.