South Africa 36-0 England

79 mins: South Africa 36-0 England As the Boks sweep across the pitch outside the English 22, Sackey kilsl the ball, conceding a penalty. Merciless Montgomery rubs England's nose in their laughable incompetence.

76 mins: England are still plodding forward, but they're utterly ineffective and the Boks are just standing there and ordering them back contemptuously like slightly narked bouncers "This is just woeful," blubs Joe Carroll. "England should stop playing now, this minute, apologize to the organizers for disgracing the competition, go home and sack each team member over 25. Let's start again." The thing is Joe, England stopped playing several years ago.

73 mins: England go through the phases nicely in the South African 22, Lewsey even getting to within three meters of the line before being clattered by two defenders. Needless to say (but I will anyway), they soon turn the ball over, allowing the Boks to boot them back to where they belong. "I am reading your commentary and watching the game on New Zealand TV at the same time," sniffs Emma Patterson. "I keep hoping one of you might have it wrong. It's awful, really. Perhaps you could start lying. I mean no-one really believes Cinderella was true, but we don't hold it against Perrault for writing it."

70 mins: It seems that corpses do indeed twitch: for England just mounted a momentary venture into the South African half, and spent all of 30 seconds there before apologetically handing the ball back to their superiors. "You are hilariously savage," wails Michael Williams, who doesn't add that England are just hilarious. But he does make a request: "Please don't cover the Welsh game tomorrow." Sorry Michael, I'll be doing that one too. And here's my bold prediction: Wales will score more tomorrow than England will tonight.

66 mins: South Africa 33-0 England Du Preez cuts open England's defence with jagged run on the blind side, draws two defenders and deftly fires the ball out to Pietersen, who canters over for another try. Montgomery does the business from the conversion.

63 mins: South African change: Du Randt off, CJ van der Linde on. "So the unfortunate Robinson has done a Michael Owen," reckons Tim Knights. "And just as in 2006, England have no Plan B." Too true Tim, but tell me, what was their Plan A? To look oafish?

60 mins: England enjoy an excursion into the South African 22. Farrell fires an intelligent cross-field kick towards Tait on the far flank. A South African is deemed to have tampered with Tait as he rose to collect, so England are givien a penalty. They kick for touch by the flag, win the line-out and set up the drive. IT's halted easily, Gomarsall feeds it back to Catt, who's 12 meters out, right in front of the post ... and he knocks on.

59 mins: Robinson, with blood spurting from his forehead from an earlier clash, collects the ball mid-way inside the South African half and shapes up for a trademark dash. Alas, his hamstring appears to snap, he collapses in agony and has to be replaced. A great career this comes to an end. He limps off to generous applause. Mathew Tait lollops on.

57 mins:57 mins: Here comes the cavalry! Oh hold on, sorry, it's just George Chuter. He replaces Regan.

56 mins: South Africa 26-0 England Another dumb penalty by England. This time the hero to thank is Mark Regan. Montgomery duly does what he always does.

55 mins: England's ineptitude is contagious: Robinson, who in the first half was the only Englander to even vaguely resemble a potential world champion, has just thrown the ball straight to the Boks. Du Preez sprinted into the 22 and attempted a dinky grubber kick into the end-zone, but botched it, sparing England. In other news, Lewis Moody has just replaced Rees.

53 mins: Montgomery finds a brilliant touch with a cheekily flash kick. Corry claims the line-out. Ben Kay then aimed a weak kick straight at a Springbok. I've no idea why. "It's worth pointing out that the minnows have performed tremendously well so far in this tournament," toots Ryan Day. "So Tonga may be pushed close by this England side."

49 mins: England are in the South African 22! God save the queen! Farrell attempts to power his way through the defense, Robinson tries a more intricate, twinkle-toed approach. Both fail, possession is lost, and South Africa clear.

47 mins: South 23-0 England Robinson knocks yet another Du Preez Garryowen forward, the Boks, as ever, are first to it, England, as ever, commit a foul and concede a penalty. Montgomery, as ever, slots it between the posts.

43 mins: Habana scampers backwards to retrieve a decent Catt kick and whack it clear. "Just as I was writing to say how much I enjoyed your podcast yesterday, the Boks ran in another soft one," moans Ben Roome. "However, England will turn this round. Mark my words." Yes, Ben, I shall indeed mark them. And remind you of them in 37 minutes, by which time South Africa have doubled their current score, and England will have multiplied theirs by 236.

41 mins: The 15 South African men and the 15 English boys (this time including Andy Gomarsall instead of the woeful Perry) are back out on the pitch, so the slaugther can resume.

More half-time analysis, this time from Andy Le Taureau: "Andy Farrell has just played one of the worst 40 minutes of rugby imaginable," rages Bull. "His kicking out of hand has either been atrocious or just part of some ridiculous plan which is utterly back-firing. The fans were still singing Swing Low, until that last try. England have been in the SA 22 what? Once? 'm tempted to make like the guy in the pork-pie hat in Swingers and say 'this game was dead anyway' before leaving."

Half-time analysis: Um, South Africa are much better than England. Particularly the forwards, who look like they're playing with concrete socks and empty heads. South Africa are going to shut them out.

South Africa 20-0 England: It's just too simple for the Boks. England were going through some humdrum backrow nonsense, throwing inaccurately and making everything difficult for themselves before the Boks even have to. Du Preez beat Farrell to errant ball on the South African 22, tore all the way up the pitch, drew Sackey and offloaded to Pietersen, who trundled over the line for an ambarassingly easy score. Montgomery converted.

37 mins South Africa 13-0 England: Stevens concedes an idiotic penalty for being offside in front of the ball. An easy three points for Montgomery.

35 mins: From half-way, Butch James sends a kick behind Sackey, finding touch only yards short of England's try-line. England secure possession from the line-out - flip it back to Perry, who boots it towards the middle. Montgomery catches it and, from 30 meters and with all time in the world (or thereabouts), drags another drop badly wide. "Has Percy Montgomery had his highlights done specially for the game?" asks the inevitable Gary Naylor. "That's what I call preparation."

32 mins: By the time I'd finished writing the last entry, England had been shunted back into their own half. And the Boks nearly snatched a second try after charging down Robinson's kick. But they didn't.

30 mins: Robinson fields another up-and-under, then rampages up the pitch, slaloming past South Africans before spinning a full 360 degrees and tossing the ball to a team-mate, who finds Catt, who finds touch in South Africa's 22. Signs of life from England!

28 mins: Now Steyn tries a drop from just outside the 22. He slashes it wide.

27 mins: Montgomery misses a 40-metre drop goal attempt. Chances are, however, that within seconds of the restart South Africa will have regained possession, because England's forwards are just too slow. The Boks are first to everything.

24 mins: "It's all very adagio when England have the ball," booms Stuart Barnes on ITV. And he's not wrong.

22 mins: England go through several phases but, after failing to make any ground, charge in at the side and concede a penalty just inside the South African. Du Preez launches it forward quickly, the bounce bamboozles the England defense, Fourie latches on to it, skips past one tackle and seems set to touch down ... but Lewsey gets back heroically to tackle, and Fourie drops the ball just as he's about to plant it! Scrum to England.

19 mins: After some modest bursts by Farrell and Sackey, England had made some ground ... but the South African forwards are much quicker on the ground and they turn over too easily. "If Catt tries a drop goal like that again and if they keep on throwing line-outs like that, England aren't going to beat the Samoans," rails Matt Farrell.

17 mins: England have steadied themselves somewhat in the last few minutes, though they've yet to truly threaten the Boks 22 and we know their opponents remain capable of ripping through them at any moment. Farrell just had a chance to gain territory with a penalty, but he failed to find touch with his kick.

15 mins: After an encouraging Sackey break, England being to apply a bit of pressure. Their momentum eventually petered out outside the Boks' 22, so they opt to fling it back to Catt for a drop-goal attempt. His effort drifts narrowly wide.

13 mins: Through desperation England are turning to high-risk manoeuvres - and they've shown neither the poise nor the skill to pull them off, meaning they're turning over a possession on a regular basis.

10 mins: South Africa 10-0 England Steyn slots over a long-range penalty.

9 mins: South Africa have the pace and penetration to launch sudden breaks from nowhere: Habana just launched another raid from deep, and was helped by yet more missed tackles from England. Eventually Lewsey brought him down just outside the English 22.

7 mins: South Africa 7-0 England South African are pressurizing England with a series of up-and-unders. The most recent one was clasped impressively by Robinson, who tossed it back to Farrell to hammer into touch deep in the South African half. The Boks won the line-out and flipped the ball back to Pietersen on the blind side. He danced all too easily past a series of England challenges before finally being downed. But he oofloads to du Preez, who eludes two more challenges, then tosses to the supporting Smit, who saunters over for a try by the posts. Montgormery converts.

3 mins: After Robinson's massive clearing punt, the Boks win their first line-out - for which Ben Kay strayed offside, giving away a cheap penalty, Montgomery leathers it to the brink of England's 22. But South Africa fail to capitalise, giving England the first scrum of the game, from which England retain possession - just. The ball's eventually worked back to Catt to find touch around half-way.

1 min: To an ear-splitting roar, Farrell sets the game in motion, booting deep into the Boks' 22. The South Africans claim it and immediately get a maul going ...

7:59pm: Here comes the national anthems. Neither are sung by Motley Crue. Both are sung by burly, tuneless rugby players (and tighthead nightingale Matt Stevens) and thousands of drunken galoots.

7:56pm: A Bull in Paris:
Here's the lowdown from inside the Stade de France, courtesy of our intrepid World Cup correspondent, Monsieur Andy Bull: "I'm in my seat, at the back of some concrete culvert in the Stade. The atmosphere is Paris has been stunning all day, the bars in the rugby village were six deep at lunch time, and there wasn't a neutral in sight. Still not as it happens, the Stade is all either green and gold, or white and red. There has been a weird brewing up of confidence among the English fans that I've spoken to. Mainly because none of them want to admit that they've spent £500 to come to Paris and watch England get drilled." Or because they're plastered?

"One clear area of English strength is in the pre-match music selection in the ground," continues Bull. "So far we've had Park Life and Don't look back in Anger in the white corner, and, ummm, Diamonds in the Soles of her Shoes in the green. Well, Paul Simon did record it in Africa didn't he?" Jeez, couldn't they find a bit of Johnny Clegg, Mariam Makeba or, um, Toto?

7:51pm: "Who's going to be the first in the blood bin?" asks Matt Farrell. "I reckon it'll be Easter, as the Boks say hello by bouncing on his head." A decent call, Matt, but how about Farrell venting all the frustration of being pilloried in the national media for being inexperienced and injured by bulldozing Butch James early doors? Thought not.

Preamble: The bookies reckon the Springboks will trample England, a team that against the USA seemed hell-bent on disproving Poison's famous theory that "every rose has a thorn". But Brian Ashton has shaken things up and, as you may just have heard, decided to replace injured fly-half Olly Barkley with an all-new, super-fluid, Total Rugby center/fly-half pairing of Andy Farrell and Mike Catt. Will they shock us?

Probably not (then again, if the answer to that was 'yes', then it wouldn't be a shock ... and we would therefore find ourselves in a logical logjam ... and this minute-by-minute malarkey would become a head-wreckingly elongated exercise in futility. Imagine that. As if.) What is absolutely certain, of course, is that at some point tonight a witless TV commentator or pundit is going to stupidly coo that Bryan Habana is "so fast he races cheetahs!" What they never point out is that Habana loses those races. Which basically means that that boast is akin to me telling you that I'm so intelligent I went to Harvard ... and neglecting to add that I was chucked out as soon as I got there on the grounds that I hadn't been invited, couldn't afford it and emitted an unpleasant odor.

Teams:

England: 15 J Robinson (unattached);14 P Sackey (Wasps); 13 J Noon (Newcastle); 12 A Farrell (Saracens); 11 J Lewsey (Wasps); 10 M Catt (London Irish); 9 S Perry (Bristol); 1 A Sheridan (Sale); 2 M Regan (Bristol); 3 M Stevens (Bath); 4 S Shaw (Wasps); 5 B Kay (Leicester); 6 M Corry (Leicester, capt); 7 T Rees (Wasps); 8 N Easter (Harlequins)

Replacements: G Chuter (Leicester), P Freshwater (Perpignan), S Borthwick (Bath), L Moody (Leicester), A Gomarsall (Harlequins), P Richards (London Irish), M Tait (Newcastle)

South Africa: 15 P Montgomery (Perpignan); 14 JP Pietersen (Sharks); 13 J Fourie (Lions); 12 F Steyn Sharks; 11 B Habana Bulls; 10 B James (Bath); 9 F du Preez (Bulls); 1 O du Randt (Cheetahs); 2 J Smit (Clermont, capt); 3 BJ Botha (Sharks); 4 B Botha (Bulls); 5 V Matfield (Bulls); 6 W van Heerden (Bulls); 7 J Smith (Cheetahs); 8 D Rossouw (Bulls)

Replacements: B du Plessis (Sharks), CJ van der Linde (Cheetahs), J Muller, B Skinstad, R Pienaar (all Sharks), J Pretorius (Lions), W Olivier (Bulls)

Referee J Jutge (France)