Man Utd 1-0 Sunderland

73 mins Vidic is booked, though I'm afraid I don't know what for. "If Kate Bush could make a deal with god she'd run up a hill or building, personally I'd choose an injury free season from Louis Saha," says Steve Hewitt.

GOAL! Man Utd 1-0 Sunderland (Saha 71) Nani swings the ball in towards the near post, where Saha jumps highest to nod the ball past Gordon. Old Trafford erupts with relief, as Keane slumps in his chair, chewing a stick of Wrigley's finest, looking more and more like his mentor as every minute passes.

70 mins Wallace drills the free-kick into the top brick of the wall, aka Saha's head. United burst down the left-wing and win a corner.

69 mins Sunderland make a sub before the free-kick: Jones, who looked a bit of a handful despite limited service, off, Daryl Murphy on.

68 mins A rare slip from Gordon, who failed to hold on to Hargreaves's swerving, dipping shot, but he jumped to his feet speedily to grab the rebound before Scholes - yes, Scholes, not Tevez or Saha - could pounce. Ooh, but now Sunderland have a free-kick 25 yards out...

66 mins United sub: Eagles off, Fletcher on. I can understand why Fergie went for Eagles - he actually has the ability to beat a player, which is what is required when a team sets up basecamp on the edge of their own box - but Fletcher gives the team more drive from midfield.

64 mins It must be the surroundings - Keane is giving the ref a real mouthful for the award of a booking to Chopra. To me, he deserved to be shown a yellow card for a cynical tug on Ferdinand. The huge chorus of "Keano" from all ends of the ground may have encouraged him.

62 mins Nani shoots, Gordon saves. Leadbitter shoots, the ballboy saves.

60 mins A rare opportunity for Sunderland to put Van der Sar under some pressure, but Wallace's free-kick is too close to the lanky keeper. He has to react quicker a minute later, though, when Leadbitter's misdirected pass almost cannons into Jones's run. "So Mike, do you think that Paul McShane may one day be an international class central defender for Ireland? We could certainly do with one," asks Kevin Dardis. He's no Paul McGrath, Kevin, but he is quite similar to another Irish centre-half who once played for United, Kevin Moran. I fear he may lack the requisite pace to excel at the very highest level, but there is more versatility to his play than people give him credit for, as he is showing with an all-action performance at right-back today.

57 mins WHAT A MISS! It was a great "arrive" (copyright Big Ron) at the near post from Vidic, who latched on to Nani's corner but directed his volley over the bar.

56 mins WHAT A SAVE! It was brilliant, brilliant play from Saha, who controlled on his chest and then turned and thumped a volley with his weaker right foot towards the bottom corner; but in a flash Gordon's right hand was there to direct it around the post.

54 mins It shouldn't be underestimated how much United miss Gary Neville, not just for his socialist leadership but also for his excellent crossing. As Brown reminds us when he fails to beat the first man for the umpteenth time. "It's hard to believe that anything would make Robbie Fowler more unpleasant to look at, but his mid-90s peroxide hairdon't did," says Gary Naylor. At least he was an Evertonian when he was younger, Gary. I wonder who he supports in Merseyside derbies now.

52 mins For all my bleating about the paucity of United's attacking, it should be noted that Nosworthy and Higginbotham have been excellent in nullifying Tevez.

50 mins It only takes five minutes of Saha being on the pitch for United to take a more direct route. Nosworthy could only head a long diagonal pass from Ferdinand into Tevez's path, but he didn't quite catch his first-time half-volley sweetly and Gordon saved comfortably.

48 mins What I'd really like to see is Keane standing on the edge of the pitch lambasting the United players like in the good old days. It might be the boot up the backside a few of them need.

46 mins Saha is indeed on, Anderson the boy to make way. Also, Nani and Eagles have swapped wings.

Talking of haircuts, Setanta's pundits are Emmanuel Petit and Steve McManaman. You couldn't make it up.

"Prejudice? If Ricardo Montalban was up front with Cisse, they would still be the worst hair combo ever," says Douglas again. "I must admit bias, though."

"Surely Taribo West, formerly of Milan, Inter and albeit briefly, Derby County, deserves a place in the Premiership hairstyles' Hall of Horrors," writes Joao Mata. "And Freddie Ljungberg back when he had red hair. And a certain pony-tailed goalkeeper. This could go on, and on and on... Has Anderson been playing that bad, then? He looked pretty awesome when he was back at Porto." We can't judge him on 45 minutes, but he hasn't really been involved too much. It's difficult for an 18-year-old to come into a team lacking confidence and take over as the playmaker.

"Mariner may not have played with Valderamma, but in Ipswich's legendary mid-70s line-up he shared striking duties with 'wee' Eric Gates, who must have thought
he was auditioning for the Small Faces," notes Alastair Fraser.

"Jason 'Pineapple Head' Lee surely deserves a mention," says Jason Lee. "Or will that send him into another crippling spiral of self-doubt and misery?" says Archi Campbell, a little cruelly.

"If you're gonna include Valderrama, who never played in England, then what about the Argentine front coupling of Caniggia and Batistuta in the early '90s?" nominates Daniel Vergara sagely. "They looked like the rhythm section of The Scorpions!"

"Peter Beadsley and Chris Waddle from Newcastle 84/85 are worth a mention," mentions Tim Wiseman.

"as i united fan i've obviously been frustrated this season, then i realized that Paul Scholes is the only front 6 player from last years team playing right now," writes Jon Cummins, disobeying pretty much every rule in the Guardian Style Guide (much like myself). "How can we expect them to play like the champions when most of them have never done it!" That's a fair point - it hasn't been commented enough that United's first-choice front three from last season are all out. Then again, Fergie did spend a penny or two this summer on Tevez, Nani and Anderson, and more of a cutting edge is demanded.

"I wonder if your readers know that Roy's dad, Moss, is known back home as 'Sterling Moss' for his predeliction for buying everything with cash?" says Shaun Thompson, a propos of, well, not much.

Half time Keane allows himself a little smile as United players trudge off. It looks like Fergie is going to make a change because he summons Louis Saha and tells him to warm up with one of the coaches. How United need him because they're yet to have a single shot inside the Sunderland box.

45 mins What they do have, though, is the shooting prowess of Scholes. First, Nani tees him up with a short free-kick, but two slight deflections send it inches wide of Gordon's right-hand post. Then, from the resultant corner, Scholes unloads a daisy-cutter that Gordon saves smartly to his right.

42 mins Not that there's much space there, but United lack any pace up front to get in behind the Sunderland defence, any strength to turn the defenders on the edge of the box, and any aerial threat to get on the end of Wes Brown's speculative crosses. Other than that, Fergie will be happy with what he's seen in the first half.

39 mins After playing on, the ref books Leadbitter for a foul he committed on Nani two minutes previously, despite electing not to do the same with Evra earlier in the match. That Nani stayed on the ground in feigned agony until he realised United were on the attack did little to remove the frown from Keane's face.

37 mins The "oles" are sounding around Old Trafford, but not in honour of the baby-faced assassin - rather they're coming from the away end as Sunderland strung five - count them, five - passes together. "Djibril Cisse and Peter Crouch - they look like they lost a bet with a lawn-mower," says Douglas Nerdahl, who may be allowing prejudice to get the better of him if we're to judge by his next comment. "And they played for Liverpool.

35 mins And now United's wingers combine, Eagles playing a one-two with Nani before testing out Gordon low to his right again. If only Scotland could reach a major tournament, they finally have a keeper worthy of the big stage.

33 mins At last, a shot on target. Funnily enough, it came from one of Sunderland's rare ventures upfield. With McShane out of position, United countered and Anderson rolled a measured pass down the left channel for Tevez run into. The Argentinian's shot was firmly struck with his left peg, but it was always unlikely he'd catch Gordon out at his near post. "Yes, Sir Alex has a fine record as a manager (as many European Cups as Aston Villa's Tony Barton lest we forget) and when Keano wasn't suspended or injured due to his own folly, he was a fine player, but have two men ever been more systematic in their intimidation of referees?" asks Gary Naylor. "Officials should have sued both of them for intimidation in the workplace." Don't talk to me about intimidation in the workplace until you've sat next to Scott Murray when he's punching the desk.

31 mins "Paul Mariner, ex-Portsmouth, Arsenal, and, um, San Francisco Bay Blackhawks, didn't exactly have one of the most stylish haircuts ever," says Samuel Zakowski. "Oh, and can I mention Carlos Valderrama? I know he didn't play in England, but come on. That haircut! Terrible." Yep, Mariner and Valderamma would have made quite a pairing HAD THEY PLAYED TOGETHER.

30 mins CORNER!!!! OK, so a set-piece doesn't normally get such an introduction, but you take what you're given in games like these. Sadly, Nani's delivery is far too long and Sunderland break at snail's pace.

27 mins Two seasons ago, United more or less conceded the title to Chelsea when they drew 0-0 at home with Sunderland (the worst team in the history of the Premier League) in one of their final matches of the season. There has been little to suggest that the scoreline won't be the same again, with Sunderland lining up as Reading did on the opening weekend when they rendered United's attack impotent.

25 mins If this was the first football match you ever watched, you'd wonder why the whole world is so obsessed with the sport.

23 mins Patrice Evra absolutely clatters Michael Chopra, but the ref waves play on. That's the first sign of urgency or passion from the champions, prompting the crowd to chant: "Attack! Attack! Attack, attack, attack!" The team is unresponsive.

21 minsPaul McShane times a tackle perfectly as Nani does a couple of stepovers before trying to saunter past the right-back. Keane applauds from the other side of the pitch and then returns to his seat. He is rightly content at Sunderland's start.

19 mins Anderson's barely had a kick, but he finally gets one here. Unfortunately his attempted cross-field pass is more Gerrard than Beckham, landing in the fifth row of the East Stand.

17 mins "Welcome to the Premier League, big boy," says Nemanja Vidic as he hacks at the back of Kenwyne Jones's legs. From the subsequent free-kick, Jones attempts an overhead kick which would best be described as "interesting". Or "pathetic". "I cannot possibly believe this," says Richard Wood, talking about the haircuts of United strike duo. "Granted I can't actually think of any worse off the top of my head, but bearing in mind this is English football we're talking about, I have serious difficulty imagining that there has never been a more stylistically-challenged duo up front in the last 15 years. Mark Hughes played in the Premiership, you know." Name me a worse pair. Go on.

14 mins It's been all United thus far, but Craig Gordon has barely touched the ball in the Sunderland goal, causing the commentator to mention already that Louis Saha is on the bench. United couldn't be more toothless up front if they re-signed Joe Jordan.

11 mins Crikey, it really is old boys' day at United - the director just cut to a shot of Andy Cole sitting in the crowd, unsurprisingly looking on moodily. Indeed, Sunderland are playing with the kind of lack of mobility associated with old boys teams when they return to school to take on the new 1st XI, with United buzzing around like the fleet-footed youngsters.

9 mins Yorke, who isn't remembered quite as fondly at Old Trafford as Keane or Solskjaer for his huge part in United winning the Champions League, is at the heart of a first prolonged spell of possession for Sunderland. It doesn't go anywhere, though. "Noticing that Anderson is playing today, I wonder how many dreadlocked players ther are in the Premier League," wonders Steve Cummins. "Could a dread XI be put out?" I'll need help with that. My favourite was always Regi Blinker.

7 mins The picture goes somewhat fuzzy as my colleague Scott Murray repatedly bangs the desk with his fist, but I can just make out Dickson Etuhu streaking down the right before blasting a shot wide. "In response to poor Archi Campbell's lament, perhaps playing Eagles is SAF's way of putting him in the shop window for Keane to sign," chuckles Aron Darmody. And there's more. "Also, although Solskjaer has supposedly retired, you know Keane is still secretly going to try to sign him."

5 mins Anderson is playing up top with Carlos Tevez, forming without doubt the worst coiffeured strike-partnership in the history of the Premier League. Nani is stationed on the left.

3 mins The pattern is set, with Sunderland camped on the edge of their own box, and United stroking the ball around fluently. Nani has the first shot of the game, but it's dragged wide of the far post with his left foot.

1 min Here we go then. Forgetting the various sub-plots, it should be noted that this is something of a relegation battle: Sunderland are in 17th, while United are just one point above the relegation zone.

"Eagles?" says Archi Campbell. "Why? Why oh why oh why?" Tinkering is Fergie's biggest sin. That and littering the ground with his chewing gum wrappers.

Sentimentality is flowing around Old Trafford. First a teary-eyed Keane (allow for a little poetic licence) acknowledges the "Keano! Keano! Keano!" chants with a regal wave, and then the newly-retired Ole Gunnar Solskjaer is given a guard of honour by the teams and a hug apiece from Ferguson and Keane. It's just a shame Clive Tyldesley isn't doing the (minute-by-minute) commentary really.

Teams Anderson gets his first start in United red, while Kenwyne Jones (£6m for a player who didn't even excel in the Championship?!?!) and Danny Higginbotham make their Sunderland debuts. Indeed, Higginbotham is one of three ex-United players in the visitos' line-up.

Man Utd Van der Sar, Brown, Ferdinand, Vidic, Evra, Eagles, Hargreaves, Scholes, Nani, Anderson, Tevez. Subs Kuszczak,
Saha, Carrick, O'Shea, Fletcher.

Sunderland Gordon, Nosworthy, McShane, Higginbotham, Collins, Leadbitter, Yorke, Etuhu, Wallace, Chopra, Jones. Subs Ward, Stokes, Murphy, Miller, Kay.

Referee Martin Atkinson (W Yorkshire)

Preamble Hello everyone and welcome to the best match-up you won't see on Setanta this season (because presumably if you had a TV with Setanta on it, you wouldn't be sat here reading this). It's Fergie v Keano, the Obi Wan and Anakin of the Premier League. Although I'm not sure that analogy works, because it casts Niall Quinn as the Emperor, er, Carlos Quieroz, I suppose, as Yoda, and, of course, to most people United are the dark side - actually no, it definitely doesn't work. Anyway. I was going to write a glowing, semi-eloquent tribute to Keane and his spell at Old Trafford, but kick-off is upon us so that's going to be put on the back-burner in favor of letting you have the teams.