England v West Indies - Live!

Preamble Hello. It's nearly the weekend, so let's treat ourselves to some essentially rancid but darn enjoyable fast food: it's Twenty20 time. After the stodgy four-course of the Test series, these two matches between England and West Indies at least whet the appetite a little, and not only because it'll be good to see just how hilariously and inappropriately languorous a captain Chris Gayle makes. Ultimately I subscribe to famous cricket analyst Eric Schlosser's view of fast food, but I'm willing to wolf down a few calories over the next four hours. How benevolent of me.

As for the contest - well, who cares? It's obviously a proud day for strawberry blondes everywhere, with Paul Collingwood captaining England for the first time, but Twenty20 international cricket hasn't been round long enough for the games to gather much in the way of gravitas. With tactics evolving, possibilities being probed as if by a marigold-covered hand and the first World Cup looming, we're just about where one-day cricket was in 1974 - when, as you'll of course all know, England beat India 2-0 and then lost 2-0 to Pakistan, with Majid Khan making a regal 93-ball 109 at Trent Bridge and England slipping miserably to 28 for eight at Edgbaston, with Wisden opining that there was "an end of season air about some of the England batting".

Gloop Americana As Karen O says so breathlessly and sweetly to the audience at the start of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs' impossibly lovely 'Maps - live from Roseland' (available for 79p from all good Overpriced MP3 Merchants), "we're doing something extra special for you tonight". After what feels like lifetimes of experimenting with Relentless, Tom Lutz has marched in to GU Towers clutching its American cousin, Rockstar. So in the spirit of Twenty20, I'll be playing the two gloops off each other as the game progresses - a can of Rockstar in the first innings and a can of Relentless in the second, just to see which has me retching maniacally first.

I certainly like the look of Rockstar. The website includes publicity shots with the likes of Eva Longoria, Jessica Alba, Flavor Flav and, er, Rod Stewart. And the blurb says it is "scientifically formulated for those who lead active and exhausting lifestyles, from athletes to rock stars to whimsical over-by-over writers". I'm looking forward to this, especially as I'm now teetotal - they call me Uncle Pepsi - so the gloop is the biggest kick I get. That doesn't cost £40 (minimum) in an upper-class Kings Cross parlor, of course.

Team news S Club 7 alumnus Ian Bell has failed a fitness test, so Jon Trott will make his debut along with Dimitri Mascarenhas. Michael Yardy is back, too. Only two players - Pietersen and Collingwood - survive from England's first Twenty20 international, when they routed those sub-standard Aussies two years ago. That was also the last time England won a Twenty20 international.

England A Cook, M Prior (wkt), IJ Trott, K Pietersen, P Collingwood (capt), O Shah, D Mascarenhas, M Yardy, R Sidebottom, S Broad, J Anderson.

West Indies named their expected line-up with wicketkeeper Denesh Ramdin recovering from a quad problem while all-rounder Dwayne Bravo was selected despite being unable to bowl because of an ankle problem. Their line-up means only Dwayne Smith of the three one-day specialists who flew in from the Caribbean to feature in the one-day series against England have been selected for the opening encounter.

I got that bit from the wires. I'm surprised you couldn't tell.

Riff it up "If cricketers were films, what would they be?" says Dominic Hakes. "And what film would you be/like to be?" I'd like to be Out Of Sight - debonair, sexy, hip and soundtracked by David Holmes. But I'd probably be Monster's Ball, only without the desperate sex.