Austin Healey Holds Court on Fights, Pranks and Insolent Horse Owners

Hi Austin, how's it going?

Good, Small Talk, how about you?

Not a bother, Austin. Listen, we had a word with Kyran Bracken
recently and ... And you're still alive to tell the tale?

Yes, we emerged unscathed, which, according to him, is something you wouldn't do if you were to get in a boxing ring with him?

Yeah well, the thing about him, unfortunately, is that his fighting talk only exists in newspapers, not in reality.

Are you saying you'd knock him out? Not purposely. But I'd certainly give him an almighty shoeing.

He mentioned something about a celebrity boxing match you're trying to organise...

That's right, a sort of rugby players' fight-off. We're still in the process of organising it, but hopefully we'll do it on May 9 and it'll be televised. I can't confirm who'll be in it yet as we're still sorting out some details.

Understood, Austin. So how about telling us about some great England dressing-room pranks instead?

There were certainly loads - though not on matchdays, I should point out - but they weren't particularly spectacular. I occasionally hid Will Greenwood's lucky socks, which is about as far as it went.

What about you, did you have lucky socks?

No, I had a pair of cycling shorts that I used to bathe in holy water. [Sensing Small Talk's scepticism] I'm serious.

Fair enough. So, what was the last CD you bought?

[Rummages through his memory] That's a tough one. I think it was by the Automatic. You know, the one with 'What's that monster coming over the hill?' on it.

Fancy giving us a quick rendition?

Not really, no.

Oh well. What's your favourite TV show?

Top Gear

Not A Question of Sport, starring your old buddy Matt Dawson?

I only watch that when I'm on a diet and want to be put off my dinner.

What type of car do you drive? I've got a Mercedes GL. It's very nice.

And your favourite drink Milk.

Do you drink booze? I do.

What's the silliest thing you've done whilst drunk? Oh god ... once at the Orrell team dinner many years ago, I borrowed a load of the players' cars and parked them on the pitch.

Oh you naughty boy, didn't the law have something to say about that? [Shrugs]

Room 101: how would you fill it?

With people who ride horses on the road. You know, when you come around a blind bend doing the speed limit and they expect you to be able to see around the corners and slow down for them - that really annoys me. I'm often tempted to just crash into them.

Have you had a particular bad experience you want to tell us about?

No. It's just that I live at the end of a very winding road and you can't see around the corners because of the trees; when you eventually see a horse you slam on the anchors to slow down for them and show them a bit of respect, and the people start giving you the verbals: "You shouldn't be doing the speed limit," and things like that.

You don't have any horses of your own then?

No, I shot him.

Really?

No.

Good one. Now, cheese or chocolate?

Chocolate, any sort of plain milk-type one.

What's the strangest request you've ever had from a fan? 'Will you marry me?'

And you said yes? No. His name was Dave.

Who'd win a fight between a lion and a tiger?

If they were of equal size, then the tiger, no question. Lions are only hard when they gang up on people in packs.

Finally, can you tell us a joke?

I can.

In your own time, then ...

I'm just trying to think of one you could print ... here's one: what do you call a sheep on a trampoline?

A woolly jumper?

That's it. I'm only telling you that because it's my daughter's favourite joke. She's five years old and I think she'd have wanted me to share it.

No need to apologise, Austin, we've heard worse. By the way, have you seen the Wikipedia entry on you?

No, what's that? [Small Talk dispenses explanation] Hold on, let me look that up now ...

We'd be particularly interested to hear your views on the line: "He famously lost most of his hair after the shock of winning the Heineken Cup in 2001 and was forced to spend the rest of his career wearing an unconvincing toupee. As a result he was consistently mocked by opposing fans."

[Reads it aloud to himself, chuckling] That's not true, I never wore a toupee.

It's been completely made up?

Yeah.

On that note then, Austin, it's time to say goodbye. Thanks a lot for your time. Bye. No worries, Small Talk. Bye.

Austin Healey appeared on behalf of the 'Sports Rituals' survey commissioned by GUINNESS, sponsors of the Rugby Premiership