Over-by-over: New Zealand's Innings

Morning then everyone. It has been a bad one so far. Even as I was stood at the bus stop, almost alone on the empty streets and contemplating how bad the first cigarette tastes when you've only had two hours of sleep, it seemed like an unusually bad one. It got worse when a drunk guy across the road switched his attention, and anger, from a nearby lampost towards me. Lurching across the street cackling maniacally, in between bursts of an ugly rendition of Deeply Dippy, Right Said Fred's follow-up hit to I'm too sexy, he came right up close to me and vomited, profusely, all over his own shoes.

I would have sulked but the bus came. Anyway, I thought, it's probably not worse than waking up in Australia and remembering that you are part of this English cricket team.

If anyone out there can tell me a worse start to their day than the ones that Paul Collingwood (five matches, 66 runs at 13 in this series) and Andrew Strauss (five matches, 98 runs at 18) have probably had today, in contemplation of another likely drubbing, another low score, another drubbing from the press, do let me know.

Kicking us off in that regard is Ros Bromwich, who woke up and faced this advert in her daily paper, The Melbourne Age: "GOOD to see this new home-improvement product in great demand in Australia. No plans for it to be released on English markets, however." The pic underneath is of a tin of paint with the brand name 'Pontings White Wash' and a team shot. Oh, how we laughed.".

Frazer Henderson has clearly been dealing with his own early mornig blues by staring excessively at the back of his cereal packet, where he found this 'insight' into that famous ocker mentality: "When shopping for food here in Cambodia, it's often cheaper to 'go Australian' than to buy British. Now, while Vegemite is clearly no match for Marmite, I have found that Weet-Bix is a perfectly acceptable alternative to Wheatabix, and what's more, its packaging offers a clear insight into the Australian psyche and what our (ahem!) brave boys have been facing during the current (ahem!) campaign, and this is why; the packaging for Weet-Bix contains no less than 17 references to Australia in various forms, from the mundane to the hilariously nationalistic, and I quote: "Made by Aussies. Loved by Aussies." "Australian Recycled Cartonboard - Even better the second time around" "Weet-Bix proudly supports the Australian Institute of Sport and Cricket Australia" "Ausbuy, Australian made & owned"." I particularly love the recycled cartonboard one, Frazer. Don't let it get you down.

Well, there is absolutely no sign of any cricket on the TV, so we may well be offerring the first live Guardian commentary on free-style half-pipe at the X Games, as currently being shown on Channel Five. In fact, the story of Tanner Halls' remarkable Gold will probably turn out to be more interesting than watching England get hammered again.

But I'm here to write about the cricket dammit so here is some team news: England will miss Jimmy Anderson and Jon Lewis again. Apparently Saj '99-for' Mahmood has been looking "spicy" in the nets, so maybe we'll see him in for that hapless duffer Liam Plunkett. Maybe too, Chris Tremlett will take his first wicket of the series in what would be his third game. Michael Vaughan will have a late fitness Test.

New Zealand recall James Franklin and Bond, Shane Bond. He has hardly played against England, so wefans and writers tend not to have sufficient understanding of just how good a bowler he is. One of the best in the world in fact: try these statistics for size: 54 on-day internationals, 101 wickets at 19 runs each.

While we're dealing with a little news Tom Moody will surely be the next England coach (as Adrian Hill writes: "Pommies, get your hands off Tom Moody. I know how much you want him, but he's an Aussie and he's too good for the likes of you."). I certainly hope he gets the job, and his refusal to go for the Australian role seems to bode well given that his contract is up after the World Cup.

Oh bugger they've started.


1st over: New Zealand 5-0 (Vincent 2 Fleming 0)
So New Zealand have won the toss and opted to bat. One wide and two leg byes come from Plunkett's first over, to which Vincent also adds two with the bat.

2nd over: New Zealand 15-0 (Vincent 2 Fleming 1)
And from the other end Chris Tremlett. I can't believe Sky blindsided me like that! Imagine not having a single minute of pre-match build up! I mean, at least I waffled about some rubbish before I started this. Another wide and a no-ball, five extras in eight balls then. Add a misfield by Dalrymple to make a single into two, a flicked four to leg by Fleming and that was an awful over. By the by here is England's team: EC Joyce, MB Loye, IR Bell, AJ Strauss, PD Collingwood, A Flintoff, JWM Dalrymple, PA Nixon, LE Plunkett, CT Tremlett, MS Panesar. Depressingly familiar, no?

3rd over: New Zealand 22-0 (Vincent 8 Fleming 7)
Plunkett gives up yet another wide. Tom Goodfellow cuts to the heart of the matter: "I have to differ with Frazer Henderson - WeetBix is a vile approximation of the vastly superior British product. A minor point, but living in Sydney, I have to take whatever minor cultural victories I can this summer." Either way, Vincent looks as though he has had his, with a fine clipped four that speeds to the square leg boundary. Plunkett follows it up with another fine wide. Really menacing the crease here, Plunkett.

4th over: New Zealand 23-0 (Vincent 8 Fleming 7)
And here is the rest of the New Zealand side: BB McCullum, RL Taylor, JDP Oram, PG Fulton, CD McMillan, DL Vettori, JS Patel, SE Bond, JEC Franklin. Like Plunkett, Tremlett has a deceptive ability to throw in a jaffa amongst all the dross: one here steeples up from back of a length, and has Vincent in some trouble. And then he follows it up with another appalling wide. Really shoddy stuff: what the hell is Kevin Shine doing with his time? I mean, in case you didn't know, Somerset just released two more of his young proteges there because they realised that they (Simon Francis and Michael Parsons) were bobbins.

WICKET! Fleming 15 lbw Plunkett: 5th over: New Zealand 32-1 (Vincent 8 Fulton 0)
Fleming brutalises two short balls from Plunkett away for four, nearly taking out the square leg umpire. Short on leg stump? Lethal stuff from Plunkett. For the umpire. Lethal. Just to make me eat my words, he then produces one of those rare good balls, pitching on middle, straightening back towards leg and trapping Fleming lbw. Kendall Warren adds "I note that England's three pool World Cup matches are against NZ, Canada and Kenya, so you should be confident about picking up at least one win there." Really? Um, where? Did you see what Kenya did to Bermuda today?

6th over: New Zealand 34-1 (Vincent 8 Fulton 0)
The cereal debate rages on with all the fire of Chris Tremlett's bowling: "I cannot believe what I have just read.....you have to be joking! Weetbix as an acceptable alternative to Weetabix! Jack Russell and I are in complete agreement....no comparison!" fumes Melanie Whitaker. Never eaten the stuff Mel, surely it is exactly the same? Or do they put possum in it or something? Two off the over.

7th over: New Zealand 41-1 (Vincent 8 Fulton 4)
Ian Bell makes a brilliant piece of fielding at cover, tries to throw out the stumps at the non-strikers end and wangs the ball away for four overthrows. Shocker.

8th over: New Zealand 47-1 (Vincent 12 Fulton 9)
All sorts of Aussie turncoats are coming out of the woodwork and admitting they prefer marmite to vegemite, and Wheetabix to Weetbix. Well, ok, two people have. There is also the obligatory Australian menatlist sending me emails about Nazis - I do not need that, leave your keyboard alone and get back to work with the plastic scissors you loon.

WICKET! Fulton 15 c Nixon b Plunkett: 9th over: New Zealand 54-2 (Vincent 12 Taylor 0)
So, New Zealand's fifty comes up with a neat little leg glance by Fulton. His following chip to mid-on is a poor shot though, and flies up in the air and over Flintoff's head. Freddy dives back to make the catch but misses by his fingertips. Plunkett gets his man with the next ball: fuller in length, it takes the outside edge as Fulton attempts to push it through mid-wicket. Nixon pouched a simple catch.

10th over: New Zealand 58-2 (Vincent 12 Taylor 1)
Well, who knew that the Weet-bix thing would prove so riveting: ... and if you get bored of reading about how good the Aussies are from just the packet - you can cement their superiority on the Weetbix website with their new Pom-bashing game, and "help Brett smash the English". Thanks to Richard Puncheon for that. Tremlett coughs up more wides.

11th over: New Zealand 66-2 (Vincent 12 Taylor 1)
Plunkett is so infuriatingly erratic. He mixes unplayable full balls that swing away with a wide that lands well out of the crease lines, a leg-stump gimme, and another wide one that is slashed over slip and away to the rope at third man.

12th over: New Zealand 71-2 (Vincent 17 Taylor 9)
Flintoff comes into the attack, and he too is glanced away to fine leg for four. Ross Taylor looks a really good player, for a 22-year-old, has anyone seen much of him in the domestic game?

13th over: New Zealand 74-2 (Vincent 17 Taylor 13)
And now, as Bumble eloquently points out, "it is Monty time". And he finds considerable turn with his third ball, his fourth turns even more, too much, and he gets cut for two. Plenty of bounce and turn though, which isn't something I expected.

14th over: New Zealand 78-2 (Vincent 17 Taylor 17)
Good be an interesting day for the spinners, what with the pitch turning and both sides playing two slow bowlers. It may well come down to which side can best survive some slow middle overs when the two spinners are bowling in tandem. In the meantime, Taylor pulls Flintoff away for four through wide mid-wicket.

15th over: New Zealand 84-2 (Vincent 23 Taylor 17)
Many thanks to Frank Stark for this: "Ross Taylor has been playing at least two seasons of full time domestic cricket. Unlike Australia we can't afford to leave them too long to bottle age so he's up and at 'em at 22. He'll be in the next test team - whenever the bloody IRB allow us to play one. Not the first Samoan-NZer to play, though, That was the elegantly named Murphy Su'a."

16th over: New Zealand 90-2 (Vincent 23 Taylor 23)
Scarcely attracting less comment than the Weetbix debate is the fact that loads of you are saying that the title of this page is wrong, as it refers to Australia. If you really want it fixed, someone tell me exactly which page you're on about, because I see nothing wrong. The rest of you, sorry about being so bloody mundane. I see nothing wrong either with a tightly clipped four through mid-on by Taylor, who seems to be enjoying facing up to Freddie.

17th over: New Zealand 90-2 (Vincent 23 Taylor 23)
What chance of Monty going on the attack? Freddie has a slip in and a short extra-cover, and a nice inviting gap at mid-wicket. "On the whole weet-a-bix thing...if only the difference were the spelling! the weetbix in Australia is so bad that I have to get visiting friends & relies to smuggle in the good stuff whenever they come to visit. I think they may be making the weetbix itself from the Australian Recycled Cartonboard" screams Sally Bond.

18th over: New Zealand 95-2 (Vincent 24 Taylor 24)
Kendall Warren fights back for Aus: "There is no comparison - Marmite is runny sump oil, and while Weetabix is only bearable, what's the story with those rounded edges? Is it so people don't cut themselves?". New Zealand sneak a quick single, and Andrew Strauss attempts a Jonty Rhodes-esque underarm diving run-out, but Taylor makes his ground by a foot or so. Another narrow escape follows, and these two are really pushing the singles. Brilliantly, Monty then hits the stumps with an overarm throw, buty alas he gets no reward for it.

19th over: New Zealand 99-2 (Vincent 24 Taylor 28)
Taylor drives a really handsome four through long-on. If anyone doesn't know what Jonty Rhodes-esque means have a look at this.

20th over: New Zealand107-2 (Vincent 33 Taylor 32)
Great shot by Vincent, a lofted drive through mid-wicket. Flintoff follows up with a mean cutter that leads to a good lbw shout, sadly it is rejected as too high. Vincent finds an incredible response, with a flat bat baseball shot that runs straight for four. He miscues the next ball but Bell drops him.

21st over: New Zealand107-2 (Vincent 33 Taylor 32)
Paul Nixon is shouting so loudly that Sky turn the stump microphones down to protect the viewers' ears. "Me an Colly are here Monty!" he bellows, just before making a sneaky stumping when the batsman's back foot has levered itself a fraction off the floor. What should be a dismissal is missed entirely by the umpire.

22nd over: New Zealand116-2 (Vincent 34 Taylor 34)
Dalrymple comes on and almost manufactures a run-out off his first ball, which turned massively from outside off. Plunkett's throw came to the wrong end, and by the time Nixon had hurled it back to Dalrymple, the diving batsman had made his ground. Taylor swivel-pulls a four through mid-wicket.

23rd over: New Zealand117-2 (Vincent 35 Taylor 34)
Monty tightens it up a little. I'm afraid that on my pages that Australia mistake just isn't there, so if you're sufferring from it you'll just have to cope.

24th over: New Zealand 125-2 (Vincent 39 Taylor 39)
A little strangely given the amount it was turning for Dalrymple, Flintoff has given the ball to Collingwood. Tim Murphy speaks the truth: "I've eaten both types of dry, tasteless bran biscuits and they're basically inedible unless coated in milk and fruit. Arguing about which is better is like arguing the relative merits of England wicketkeepers." Seven from the over.

25th over: New Zealand 134-2 (Vincent 42 Taylor 42)
Dalrymple comes on at Monty's end. "Both the UK and Aussie products are made from Aussie wheat. So any perceived difference in taste must come from whatever additives they put in in the respective countries." Ray Chan, surely you're not implying that the Aussies have been contaminating our wheat supply? Is that the secret to their success after all? Like the weetabix, this over has been thoroughly milked.

26th over: New Zealand 139-2 (Vincent 42 Taylor 42)
Ok, I'm disappearing for a moment to fix this title problem. No, it's beyond me. It'll have to wait.

27th over: New Zealand 143-2 (Vincent 47 Taylor 47)
Cathy O'Brien quips: "I expect the reason that Nixon didn't get a referral for the stumping is that the umpires have tuned him out altogether. I would, if I had to listen to that for hours on end." Dalrymple is making a hash of this, as if he is surprised by the amount of turn he is getting. New Zealand are doing a fine job of winkling and working the ball into the gaps.

28th over: New Zealand 148-2 (Vincent 51 Taylor 48)
Neil McLean speaks for the sceptic in all of us: "Morning from Dubai, if NZ want to make a game of this they really should look at declaring in the next over or so. Sad but true." A lovely late cut from Vincent brings up his ninth ODI fifty, and his second in this series.

29th over: New Zealand 160-2 (Vincent 56 Taylor 50)
A little gem from Janaka Williams: "when Vegemite was being developed, there was a competition to name it: the winner being "Your mar-mite, but your pa-will" which was deemed to racy for the good burghers... ". Dalrymple gives up another wide, as he is turning it too much for the degree of accuracy he can impart on his bowling. He needs to adjust his line. He gives another wide away moments later. Taylor brings up his own fifty later in the over with a single. That gives Vincent a chance to show off a dapper reverse sweep that runs away for four.

30th over: New Zealand 166-2 (Vincent 58 Taylor 52)
Cameron Burge has two cents worth and then some: "Sorry to rub salt into those already deep wounds, but what's the difference between this current England team and a pyromaniac? The latter wouldn't have lost his last 10 matches." Nice.
"Are there no rousing strikers of a cricket ball in England anymore? The blokes you've got aren't necessarily bad players, they're just the wrong players for the one-day game. Strauss, Vaughan, Bell et al are pretty good technicians but lack the ability to hit a consistently long ball, which is what's required in the one day game these days. Twenty years ago when 200-220 was a good score their approach would have been fine, but the game has moved on. Alas, Fletch hasn't."

31st over: New Zealand 169-2 (Vincent 61 Taylor 52)
Tremlett returns, and England's spin duo haven't really done anything for them. "I think you have it wrong. The mistake is using "England" and "live" in the title" suggests Matthew Taylor. Another wide, the 14th of the day for England. Otherwise, as ever, Tremlett was tidy enough.

32nd over: New Zealand 171-2 (Vincent 61 Taylor 52)
Jon Skittrall has his fingers crossed for all the wrong reasons: "Can't one of these get out? I want to see Oram smash this English rubbish all round the park. He looks awesome." Indeed, and so he is Jon. More pity the foolish sub editor who called him the "poor man's Chris Cairns", not to mention whoever it was downstairs at the Guardian who decided he was a "journeyman" in a headline for a David Hopps piece. Colly's allsorts give away just three runs.

33rd over: New Zealand 183-2 (Vincent 64 Taylor 69)
"Andy: this is seeming more and more like some horrid form of torture. NZ will get over 300 and we'll be bowled in 20 overs for about 108. Why am I wasting my time here?" I don't know Clare A Davies, nothing to do with the cricket I'd assume: you're probably just waiting to see exactly how bad it gets (GRR! Can't this man with his sodding hoover disappear! People are trying to work here for God's sake) . Taylor hacks away an odd looking hook shot for four from a Tremlett bouncer.

WICKET! Taylor 71 c Panesar b Collingwood: 34th over: New Zealand 194-3 (Vincent 66 McMillan 0)
Taylor strides down the pitch and lofts Collingwood for six over long-on. Next ball he thumps one-handed up into the air, and is caught by Monty Panesar at mid-on. A really good innings from Taylor there, from 82 balls. And how sweet to see Monty bag a catch. Though I suppose it is actually just the least he should be doing. Fleming has resisted the temptation to push Oram up the order, so McMillan has come in.

35th over: New Zealand 200-3 (Vincent 68 McMillan 4)
"The poor man's Chris Cairns" may damn Oram with faint praise, but I bet Colly would be very pleased with warrant that description right now. Nixon? The poor man's Geraint Jones?" More like the poor man's Bernard Manning, I'd say, Gary Naylor. Jamie Dalrymple = the poor man's Richard Illingworth? Meanwhile Donuts McMillan batters a mighty straight four back over Chris Tremlett's head - no mean feat given that he is 6ft 7. Incredibly this chap is still hoovering roundabout my earshot - is he staring at the TV over my shoulder?

36th over: New Zealand 202-3 (Vincent 73 McMillan 7)
Flintoff comes back on as England continue their rather desperate efforts to make inroads into this line-up and stop them racking up a score in excess of 300. Vettori and Patel are both stood on the balcony grinning, flicking balls from one hand to the other in that rather cool manner that spinners do. Just a single and a leg bye from the over.

37th over: New Zealand 206-3 (Vincent 69 McMillan 7)
Monty returns, seeking to add another number to go in front of his current analysis of six overs for fifteen runs. An lbw shout almost gives him just that, but is turned down as it hit him outside the line. A little edge dribbles away fo four through the vacant slips.

38th over: New Zealand 212-3 (Vincent 69 McMillan 12)
And again England are punished for not having a slip, as Freddie's first ball runs through the same area, still vacant. Sky have just pointed out that Paul Nixon has complained to the umpires about the batsmen running on the wicket and churning it up with their spikes. "If that hoover guy is so keen, can you send him round to my flat?" asks Gary Naylor.

WICKET! McMillan 11 st Nixon b Panesar: 39th over: New Zealand 212-4 (Vincent 73 Oram 0)
McMillan charges Monty and misses by a mile. Paul Nixon stumps him, and for all the stick I, and everyone else gives him, the good thing about Nixon is that he will take those stumpings, and he will complain about New Zealand's running. Still, here is Jacob Oram, and this could be decisive.

40th over: New Zealand 219-4 (Vincent 76 Oram 3)
Oram is off the mark with a pushed single to the covers. Flintoff has stayed on to come around the wicket at Oram. He tries a yorker and finds a wide.

WICKET! Vincent 76 c Dalrymple b Plunkett: 41st over: New Zealand 225-5 (Oram 3 McCullum 2)
Plunkett returns and rips out Vincent with his first ball. The batsman plops a meek clip to leg straight into the hands of short mid-wicket. A really good anchorman innings by Vincent there, real Ron Burgundy. As, indeed, is Daniel Vettori's moustache. About which Gary Naylor says: "Vettori may prove a handful on this strip, and no doubt will excite many female OBOers, but can we all laugh now at that moustache? In the land of David Boon and Merv Hughes, in a match in which England can field the full Monty, all Vettori can squeeze out is a 'Gary Neville'."

42nd over: New Zealand 232-5 (Oram 3 McCullum 7)
Thanks to Jerry Dawson and Martin Myers for telling me how to fix the misnomer at the top of the page. Not that I have yet. I have to break off that thought to describe exactly how lame Tremlett's effort to stop a four on the boundary was: very lame indeed, like a pigeon with a bullet in its brain. Even Monty looks furious.

43rd over: New Zealand 237-5 (Oram 5 McCullum 10)
Plunkett coughs some more dross down leg, mixing it up with some filthy wides outside off and a thigh-high full toss. I wonder exactly what he is trying to bowl here?

WICKET! McCullum 19 c Strauss b Panesar 44th over: New Zealand 245-6 (Oram 5 Franklin 0)
McCullum drops to one knee and slaps Monty high into the air and over mid-wicket for six. Changing tack, Monty sends the last ball of his spell wide outside off stump. McCullum reaches for it, miscues it high to Strauss at cover, and Monty dances.

45th over: New Zealand 253-6 (Oram 8 Franklin 0)
Another wide and we're up to 21 (and 35 extras in total), as Clare a Davies points out: "as well as losing almost every match we've played down under this tour, will this team go down in history as giving away more extras than any other team, anywhere, ever?". Kevin Shine, Kevin Shine, Kevin Shine.

46th over: New Zealand 263-6 (Oram 14 Franklin 5)
Dalrymple has the onerous task of bowling at the close, and to Oram as well. And he's punished by a mighty six that goes long into the stands over the leg side.

WICKET! Franklin 9 b Tremlett c Plunkett: 47th over: New Zealand 270-7 (Oram 15 Vettori 0)
A Hearnz, what the hell does someone who signs themselves 'Beedah, Brooklyn' know about literacy and Neville Cardus? Go get a clue and then come back to me. Honestly. Ingrate. Tremlett ha taken a wicket! Amazing. Some steep bounce from a good length and Franklin doffs the ball into Plunkett's hands with a shoddy drive.

48th over: New Zealand 279-7 (Oram 16 Vettori 6)
And a different view to the ones you'd usually read: "I am sick of this "truth" that England's bowling has suffered because
we have lost Troy Cooley. Did Harmison's decline happen before or after Cooley's departure? Answer, before. Is James Andersen a better bowler now than 12 or 36 months ago. Yes. Is England's attack made up of a bunch of green horns who are learning their trade? Yes Troy Cooley went because there was no point paying some guy a fortune to do a job that could be done by someone else." Can't say I agree with you Stephen Evans, though you are right about Harmison. Vettori steps away to leg and hits a four through the off.

49th over: New Zealand 302-7 (Oram 40 Vettori 10)
Ouch! Plunkett lets the ball through his legs on the boundary, and gives away a humiliating four. Oram responds by going beserk: a six over long-on, a six over long-off and a four to third man brings up the 300. Tremlett is being bludgeoned to bits, and Freddie has his head in his hands. Six balls to come, and this is New Zealand's highest total against England in ODIs.

50th over: New Zealand 318-7 (Oram 54 Vettori 11)
Just 22 off that last over then, giving Tremlett a not-so-tidy one for 72 off ten. Vettori takes a single and gives Oram the strike. A severe wide call is inflicted on Flintoff, takin the extras total to 37. Oh dear. Oram smacks a six off a fine ball by Flintoff. It was a remarkable clipped drive that just flew off the bat. Brilliant batting by Oram. His fifty comes off 32 balls - he was only on 16 a couple of overs ago! 16 runs from this over and New Zealand have a massive total.

Well, that was pretty awful wasn't it? I'll be amazed if England get anywhere close. Flintoff finishes with 0 for 66, Tremlett with 1 for 72, Plunkett 3 for 56 and Dalrymple went for 43 off just five overs. Only Monty, with two for 35, emerged with decent figures. And you know what? I think that will be the better half of the game for England.