England Innings: Over-by-over

Preamble Hello boys! (And girls.) It's been a mixed day for England so far: they reduced a frankly inept New Zealand to 146 for seven on a turgid Hobart track (the sort of pitch on which Paul Collingwood can take 2 for 25 from 10), but then allowed them to get to a respectable score of 205 for nine. Booth and I fancy England to blunder through by three or four wickets. Perhaps more importantly, Michael Vaughan may have suffered a recurrence of his knee injury. He was moving very awkwardly towards the end of New Zealand's innings, but nobody knows anything beyond that. We'll see how he moves at the crease any minute now. In the meantime, check out this ridiculously unplayable ball


An email "Rob, during the changeover, can you ask Clare Davies and Sunil how their kitchen utensil experiments are going?" asks Kate McDonald, using a contemporary euphemism for those sexy antics of which today's youth are so fond.

1st over: England 0-0 (chasing 206; Strauss 0, Vaughan 0) The left-armer Franklin begins for New Zealand. He has a pathetic ODI record - average 41, economy rate 5.22 - but it's a very good start, right on the money to Strauss. All eyes are on the other end, and the movement of Vaughan. "He has a limp in his walk!" says Nasser Hussain, grave as ever. "Job offer from ESTBANKING LTD - High Income and Easy to start!" He's just lost says Finck, discerning my rank unsuitability for my current job from a solitary preamble.

2nd over: England 3-0 (chasing 206; Strauss 1, Vaughan 1) Bond, who for the uninitiated is a genuinely world-class fast bowler (his ODI record is 99 @ 19.31), begins at the other end. Vaughan works his first ball for a single, but he is clearly in serious trouble with his knee. Or so we thought: the official word is that he has "tweaked his hamstring". And my backside is a fire engine. Three from the over, including a wide. "Further to my shameless plug for Thorndon CC in the 44th over, can I congratulate the team on our first win of the season on Saturday?" says Colin Gerrard, cleverly slipping a dull one through an unguarded net at 3.30am. "A nine-wicket win no less."

3rd over: England 8-0 (chasing 206; Strauss 6, Vaughan 1) Strauss walks across his stumps and pings a full delivery from Franklin behind square on the leg side for the first boundary. "Please inform Kate that I, and doubtless Clare too, have emailed extensively to you and Boothy on that topic, only to be spurned," says Sunil. "Please put up that piccie I sent of Emily!! Much nicer than Ed." A) I can't be bothered to crop and upload it. B) Stop getting in a lather over a picture of a woman. They are real and can be engaged in all good pubs, clubs, bars and massage parlours. C) I can't be bothered to crop and upload it.

4th over: England 9-0 (chasing 206; Strauss 6, Vaughan 1) As ever, England are making full use of the first powerplay, rattling along at 2.25 an over. Just a wide from Bond's second. "What possesses people to stay up all night to read the OBO of an innings that is very unlikely to make an England supporter whoop with delight?" says the unaptly named Andrew Jolly, staying up all night to read the O- hang on, his email address has a '.au' on the end. " Either we watch our band of war weary willow-wavers struggle to beat an understrength Kiwi side, or we watch them lose a game that they could have won. Again. It's like staying up for a four-hour long World Cup semi-final against Germany knowing there will be a penalty shoot out at the end."

5th over: England 13-0 (chasing 206; Strauss 6, Vaughan 5) Nice shot from Vaughan, timing Franklin through extra-cover for four, but England are still plodding a bit too much for comfort. It won't be easy to score against two spinners on this surface, so they really need to cash in early on with a harder ball and fielding restrictions. Vaughan tries to do just that later in the over but can only manage the windiest of woofs outside off stump. "Is it sad or is it a tribute, Rob, that the TMS team now spend almost as long broadcasting emails and texts as they do bothering to give us a ball-by-ball commentary?" asks the ubiquitous Clare Davies. "To me it seems a cheap and rather tacky way of attempting to lure the solid GU OBO base over to their dark side. And I would never be party to that. Honest." They can do what they like, Clare, but they'll never have the sex factor of Booth and Smyth, will they? Blofeld and Frindall you say? Fair point.

6th over: England 15-0 (chasing 206; Strauss 7, Vaughan 6) Fleming has taken out the slips and put his two close catchers on the drive, a smart move on such a sluggish surface. Two from the over. This is going to be hard going for England and, I reckon, even harder going for the OBO massive. It really is a horrible pitch for a one-day match.

7th over: England 16-0 (chasing 206; Strauss 7, Vaughan 7) Whether it's his hamstring or his knee, Vaughan really shouldn't be on the pitch - at least not without a runner. Quick singles are more important than ever on this pitch, with boundaries so hard to come by, and England aren't getting any. One from the over and England are already 14 behind New Zealand's score at this point. They've lost this already. "Do me a favour anyway, please inform all XY's out there that Kiwi Emily Drumm is way better looking than Vettori," says Sunil, dribbling.

8th over: England 18-0 (chasing 206; Strauss 8, Vaughan 7) Vaughan gets pinned on the shoulder by a bouncer from Bond and, in trying to limp a leg-bye, he would have been run out by a direct hit. That was absolutely farcical - he looked like some old duffer desperately hobbling after a bus. Vaughan signals that he wants a runner, and Dean Conway, the England physio, is asking the New Zealand dressing-room if he can have a runner. Now Conway is on the pitch, presumably to tell Vaughan he's not allowed a runner. Now Vaughan's having a word with the umpire - if it's his hamstring, a new injury, he should be allowed a runner, surely? "Just how much Relentless is required to keep you awake through this tedium?" asks Tim Marshall. A keg wouldn't go amiss, but I totally forgot to get some and am having make to do with stuff that actually takes vaguely normal, like black coffee.

9th over: England 23-0 (chasing 206; Strauss 12, Vaughan 8) It's all happening! No it isn't. Mark Gillespie replaces Franklin, and Strauss is lucky to inside-edge one for four. That's just about the only way England look like getting it off the square at the moment. Meanwhile, Dalrymple is ready to come on as a runner for Vaughan, just as soon as it's cleared by the umpires, the New Zealand team, the UN and Noel Edmonds. "Neither you, nor Booth have anywhere near the wittiness of Carrie," says Sunil, dribbling.

10th over: England 24-0 (chasing 206; Strauss 13, Vaughan 8) Dalrymple is on as Vaughan's runner, but England continue to limp along: Strauss can't get Bond away at all, and the increasing frustration manifests itself in Dalrymple trying to take a non-existent single and is almost run-out after being sent back. Shades of Martin Crowe in the 1992 World Cup semi-final. Then Strauss back-cuts Bond for a single. Untold riches here. "We should declare a national holiday," says Nipul Gandhi, "if England finally win one." Exactly. Now get back to work.

11th over: England 36-0 (chasing 206; Strauss 14, Vaughan 17) Twelve from the over! First Vaughan swivel-pulls Gillespie for four and then, two balls later, he slams him through mid-off for four more. "Take that you clown. What are you doing playing international cricket?" chuckles Booth. "You could always threaten to ban Australian OBOers like Lawrence did to save us from this insipid mess," says Kate McDonald. "That threat seemed to result in some exemplary examples of mutual national denigration. It might also help to get an image of a sexy Bill Frindall out of my head."

WICKET! England 39-1 (Vaughan c Taylor b Franklin 17) Franklin replaces Bond, and Vaughan just slaps a short one straight to Taylor at midwicket. Pulling in front of square is a risky shot on this pitch, and that's a pretty soft dismissal. "Classic Vaughan one-day innings," says Booth, not unreasonably. In fact I might just get him to dictate the rest of this OBO.

12th over: England 39-1 (chasing 206; Strauss 17, Bell 0) "Do you think New Zealand's gameplan all along has been to bore everyone to death?" says Kate McDonald. "It's working for me." Good point. Maybe Billy Chenowith will come on second-change for them. I like the idea of a scorebook entry: MP Vaughan Retired Bored 4 (97).

13th over: England 43-1 (chasing 206; Strauss 20, Bell 2) Bell has a little grope outside off stump at Gillespie and misses, then he is turned round and edges a no-ball for a couple. Booth is on his feet, a tear in the eye, applauding a superb shot from his favourite batsman.

14th over: England 49-1 (chasing 206; Strauss 21, Bell 7) Franklin gets bored of bowling line and length and sends down a laughable half-tracker that Bell pulls over the top for four. Good shot, and England have done okay in the last few overs.

15th over: England 54-1 (chasing 206; Strauss 21, Bell 11) The spinners haven't even bowled and already Beefy is whinging about England's use of the sweep shot. "Will we have 480 sweep attempts?" he thunders, before being forcibly restrained by security guards from having a pop at Duncan Fletcher. "Of course Beefy was never bowled sweeping on a pair at Lord's in 1981. By Ray Bright," dictates Booth, not unreasonably. Back on the field, Bell is dropped by McCullum! He felt for a leg-cutter from Gillespie and the wicketkeeper McCullum, diving low to his right, dropped a pretty presentable chance.

16th over: England 57-1 (chasing 206; Strauss 23, Bell 12) Strauss takes a dodgy single to short fine leg and Bell might have been in trouble with a direct hit. In fact he'd have been home, but the point remains. Three singles from the over in total, and that's drinks.

17th over: England 58-1 (chasing 206; Strauss 24, Bell 12) Astle replaces the useless Gillespie, with a view to doing what Collingwood did earlier. He's difficult to get away at the best of times; on this pitch it could be like running up a particularly steep hill. One from the over. "It should be a doddle from here," sniffs Booth, who I'm having to quote IN THE ABSENCE OF A SINGLE BLOODY EMAIL.

WICKET! England 62-2 (Strauss LBW b Franklin 28) An absolutely shocking decision from the umpire Steve Davis gets rid of Andrew Strauss. He got a massive inside-edge to a ball that also hit him outside the line - but Davis couldn't get his fat finger up fast enough. A decision so bad that you have to laugh - it was off the face of the bat - although England might not see the funny side.

18th over: England 67-2 (chasing 206; Bell 16, Joyce 1) On such a subcontinental pitch, it's a surprise that England haven't promoted Collingwood. But they haven't and Joyce gets off the mark. Then Bell, trying to steer Franklin to third man, gets it far too close to McCullum for comfort. It flies away for four, so all's well that ends well.

19th over: England 69-2 (chasing 206; Bell 17, Joyce 2) The offspinner Jeetan Patel is on, with a view to doing what Mark Dekker and various other mediocre spinners have done to England in the middle overs in the past 15 years, and Joyce drives him pleasantly for a single. Bell works another single and everyone is happy, except me as I have now have emails flooding into my inbox. Gah. "Poor old Strauss," says Richie Rich. "Has he actually genuinely been out in the last two months?" In real terms he's averaging about 600 for the tour.

20th over: England 72-2 (chasing 206; Bell 17, Joyce 2) A nice shot from Bell, who leans into one from Franklin and slaps it through the covers for three. "Poor bloody Strauss," says John Kramer. "Found a way to be dismissed by a ruthless Aussie even when playing New Zealand. How very English."

21st over: England 75-2 (chasing 206; Bell 20, Joyce 2) Bell goes big against Patel and gets, erm, two runs. He launched him over midwicket, but the ball didn't reach the fence and England's running was pedestrian.

22nd over: England 77-2 (need 129 from 28 overs; Bell 24, Joyce 3) The decisive passage of the match begins, with Vettori coming on for Franklin. So it's spin from both ends. Two from the over, which included a good delivery that zipped past Joyce's outside edge. "Dear Rob, are you never happy?" says Clare Davies. "First you had no emails and whinged, now too many and still not happy. I've even given you a few you could milk for your sexual innuendo. What's up with you tonight?" Pitiful attempt at innuendo there, Davies.

23rd over: England 78-2 (chasing 206; Bell 24, Joyce 4) The match situation is hard to appraise. You sense that England think they're comfortable, but the required rate is pushing up towards five an over - especially with Joyce (4 from 16 balls) scratching around nervously - and there's just one from that Patel over.

WICKET! England 79-3 (Joyce run out 5) It's happening again: with the pressure building, Ian Bell calls Joyce through for an unnecessarily sharp single to backward point, and he is just out after a direct hit from Jeetan Patel.

24th over: England 79-3 (chasing 206; Bell 24, Collingwood 0) Joyce's dismissal might be a blessing in disguise for England - he made 5 from 19 balls and never looked in. "You could still tell Kate my advice on how to go to bed happy," says Sunil. "Think of Beefy whispering 'England's no good' into her shell-like ear." As opposed to her shell-like nose?

25th over: England 84-3 (chasing 206; Bell 29, Collingwood 0) Five from Patel's over, all to Bell, who is playing pretty well. He "Borat won a Golden Globe too!" says Kate McDonald. "There is hope!" Define 'hope'.

26th over: England 85-3 (chasing 206; Bell 30, Collingwood 0) Collingwood has already started using his feet, which is a good idea when you need to walk, but he can't get Vettori away and is then beaten by a beauty off the last ball. Just one from the over, and you can feel the hands slipping gently around the throat. "Sunil, I've just squirted beer out of my shell-like nose," says Kate McDonald. "Beefy and Bill Trindall: it's all too horrible." Bill Trindall? Is that the offspring of Bill Frindall and verbose fashionista Trinny?

27th over: England 85-3 (chasing 206; Bell 30, Collingwood 0) It really is starting to get tight now. Patel bowls an excellent maiden to Bell, his first of the innings, and England need 121 from 23 overs now.

28th over: England 90-3 (chasing 206; Bell 31, Collingwood 4) Collingwood edges Vettori wide of slip to get off the mark with a couple. The required rate is now up above 5.27. "This game makes terrible viewing," says Chris Taylor. "It's even driven me back to my desk to resume work. It's like watching two worms fight to the death. Via a staring contest. OBO's the best medium to watch this horror flick." That could be our slogan: 'We lose the will to live ... so you don't have to'.

29th over: England 93-3 (chasing 206; Bell 32, Collingwood 6) Still no gear-change from England, as Bell and Collingwood take three singles from the over. They are going to have to go big soon, as the rate is inching up towards six. If Flintoff fails, England are in big trouble.

30th over: England 98-3 (chasing 206; Bell 33, Collingwood 10) Bell and Collingwood manoeuvre the ball nicely to take five singles from Vettori's over, but the problem is that that is now below par. England may well have cocked this up completely, but I'll wait 20 overs before passing final judgement, if that's okay. "Bell & Collingwood aren't going to leave Freddy any time for the miracle," says Don Dryley, drily. "Bell must end it now or the game is lost."

WICKET! England 98-4 (Collingwood c Taylor b Patel 10) Collingwood, on the charge, slices Patel to midwicket to leave England in trouble. That was a rancid-looking shot, and it's Freddie or bust for England now.

31st over: England 104-4 (chasing 206; Bell 33, Flintoff 5) Flintoff launches his second ball over midwicket for four, and then he's beaten by the arm ball. "I'm beginning to wonder if England understand limited overs cricket," says Kendall Warren. "It seems like they are playing like they are in the 1975 World Cup, with their stubborn insistence on four plodders at the top of the order, making it harder to the stroke makers (which now consists of Freddie) who come after them. Really, England on talent should win easily, but on tactics would struggle to beat Bermuda."

32nd over: England 112-4 (need 94 from 108 balls; Bell 38, Flintoff 8) England get an extra run when a throw hits the back of Flintoff's leg, and Beefy loves it. "I don't have a problem with that," he says. "Bad luck. Fetch it." It's a good over for England - eight from it, without recourse to big shots. Suddenly it all looks pretty easy.

33rd over: England 114-4 (chasing 206; Bell 39, Flintoff 9) The ball is changed after losing its colour, but Stephen Fleming doesn't like the new one so it gets changed again. "How difficult is this?" thunders Beefy, who even by his standards is in majestic form today. If Scarlett Johansson appeared before him, breathing sweet nothings in all her husky glory, he'd probably berate her for encouraging the sweep shot. Anyway, not a good over for England; just two singles from it, and the impressive Patel now has one for 21 from eight overs.

34th over: England 122-4 (chasing 206; Bell 40, Flintoff 15) Bond is on for Vettori (6-0-22-0), presumably in an attempt to take the wicket that could swing this match decisively New Zealand's way. But there's nothing in this pitch at all, and Flintoff smears him over wide mid-on for four. There was a bit of an inside-edge, but who cares. Eight from the over.

35th over: England 129-4 (chasing 206; Bell 42, Flintoff 20) Flintoff, on the charge, drives Patel over midwicket for his third boundary, and at the moment England's leave-it-to-Freddie gameplan is working - seven from the over in all, which makes it 15 from the last two.

36th over: England 133-4 (chasing 206; Bell 44, Flintoff 21) Bell takes a couple to third man off Bond, making it four from the over. England look comfortable now, although one wicket would change everything. Freddie has sexed things up on the pitch, and Clare Davies has decided to try and sex things up off it. "What a lovely stroke from Flintoff. And with a bit more stroking like this from the erstwhile captain, and Bell judging his touch elegantly, we have a hope here tonight."

WICKET! England 138-5 (Bell LBW b Patel 45) A big wicket for New Zealand. With the penultimate ball of a really good spell, Patel skids a quicker one through Bell's back-foot defensive shot and traps him plumb LBW.

37th over: England 138-5 (chasing 206; Flintoff 25, Nixon 0) They've sent Nixon in ahead of Dalrymple! What the hell is that about? Patel, meanwhile, ends with 2 for 34 and he looks a very promising cricketer. "At the risk of putting the mockers on Freddie's innings, do you think he would have done this if he was still captain?" says Kendall Warren. No. "All we need is for Michael Vaughan to grow a Brearley-esque beard for the 1981 parallel to be complete." And for the Ashes to be replayed, of course.

38th over: England 146-5 (need 60 from 12 overs; Flintoff 31, Nixon 2) Flintoff is playing Bond, and indeed everyone, pretty effortlessly. Without taking any risks, he works six of the eight runs accrued from that over. "Like watching a car crash," winces John Kramer. "England's optimism soars as victory comes within reach. One wicket later, the tail collapses, and jovial despair returns. Haven't we seen this somewhere (everywhere) before?" At least we didn't lose to Bangladesh, pal.

39th over: England 151-5 (chasing 206; Flintoff 35, Nixon 3) Vettori replaces Patel, and when he drops one short and wide Flintoff larrups him through the covers for four. Five from the over; that'll do. Here's Robert Ellison. "You wouldn't have added that 'one wicket would change everything' just after Bell's dismissal, would you?" Er, no, but one wicket here really would change things. "Oh, and Brearley didn't have a beard in '81." Good point. Beefy did though, so all we need is Freddie to etc. Oh, he already has.

40th over: England 155-5 (chasing 206; Flintoff 36, Nixon 5) Astle replaces Bond, and Nixon - who is rotating the strike pretty well - again takes a single from the first ball. England take three more from the over, which leaves them needing 51 from the final 10 overs.

41st over: England 158-5 (chasing 206; Flintoff 38, Nixon 6) Three from Vettori's over. The first two were no-risk shots but the third, a sweep from Flintoff, fell a bit too close to deep square-leg for comfort. So it's 48 needed from 54 balls now, and Fleming is turning to Craig McMillan.

42nd over: England 159-5 (chasing 206; Flintoff 39, Nixon 6) McMillan, who really is the wobbliest of medium-pacers, concedes just a single from his first over, and the equation is now 47 from 48 deliveries. Squeaky-bum time. "It's becoming a bit of a knee-trembler," says Clare Davies, taking innuendo to ludicrous degrees.

43rd over: England 164-5 (chasing 206; Flintoff 42, Nixon 8) Flintoff is in an awkward position here. If he doesn't go big, England will probably lose. If he goes big and gets out, England will almost certainly lose. In that over, from Vettori, he and Nixon take five singles - the fourth was extremely risky, and Nixon would've been gone with a direct hit from backward point - which means England need exactly a run a ball.

44th over: England 167-5 (chasing 206; Flintoff 44, Nixon 9) After two dot balls, Flintoff clubs McMillan over the leg side ... but gets just a single. One more single each make it an excellent over for New Zealand. I don't believe it: Wobbly's winning this for New Zealand! 2-0-4-0!

45th over: England 174-5 (need 32 from 30 balls; Flintoff 50, Nixon 10) Seven from Vettori's final over, in which Flintoff reaches the first half-century of the match. He smashed the first ball for a one-bounce four over - yep - midwicket, but if Ross Taylor had been on the fence rather than 10 yards in he would probably have caught it. Then, later in the over, he reached his 50 from 59 balls, which in the context of a slow-scoring match is an excellent effort. England are favourites again.

46th over: England 185-5 (need 21 from 24 balls; Flintoff 59, Nixon 12) Eleven off the over! Really good stuff from Flintoff, who starts McMillan's over with a couple of twos, and then smears another boundary over midwicket. That really has been his G-spot today. "The winning over," says Booth, lazily flicking Vs at fate.

47th over: England 197-5 (need 9 from 18 balls; Flintoff 67, Nixon 14) Mark Gillespie returns the attack and hands victory to England. "He'll ram my words down my throat," says Booth, and when he starts with two dot balls I begin to worry a little. Then he bowls a no-ball that Flintoff humps down the ground for two. "That's a shocker," beams Booth. "What a clown." It gets even better when you see the replay: Gillespie had a Saj Mahmood moment, failing to gather a throw from long-off with Nixon comfortably out of his ground. You've just dropped the Commonwealth Bank Series runners-up plate, mate. And now Gillespie's had a bigger shocker! He bowls a full-toss above waist height, which Flintoff hoicks to midwicket. At first it looked like he was out, but the umpire Steve Davis rightly called a no-ball. Flintoff salts the wound by slapping him down the ground brilliantly for four. Just nine needed from three overs!

WICKET! England 198-6 (Nixon run out 15) Nixon takes a reckless second after slicing McMillan over cover, and is just short when McCullum whips the bails off. Surely there isn't going to be a nasty twist. Is there?

48th over: England 200-6 (need 6 from 12 balls; Flintoff 68, Dalrymple 1) Dalrymple steers his third ball to third man to get off the mark, and then Flintoff crunches another. Six to win.

WICKET! England 201-7 (Dalrymple c Patel b Gillespie 1) Dalrymple gives England an unnecessary coronary, slashing Gillespie to point, where Patel takes an excellent diving catch. England need five from 10 balls, but Flintoff is off strike.

49th over: England 202-7 (need 4 from 6 balls; Flintoff 69, Lewis 1) Lewis takes a single from the last ball - and the strike from Flintoff. Four needed from the last over.

49.1 overs: England 202-7 (need 4 from 5 balls; Flintoff 69, Lewis 1) Straight to the fielder at point. This is farcical.

49.2 overs: England 203-7 (need 3 from 4 balls; Flintoff 69, Lewis 2) Lewis crunches a single down the ground.

49.3 overs: England 203-7 (need 1 from 3 balls; Flintoff 71, Lewis 2) Flintoff clubs two to deep midwicket - just one needed. Not even England could cock this up.

49.4 overs: England 203-7 (need 1 from 2 balls; Flintoff 71, Lewis 2) A dot ball to Flintoff.

England win by three wickets! At long last, England have won a game on their Australian tour. They made the meal of it, but in the end the decision to put all their eggs in a basket marked 'Flintoff'. paid off. Freddie hit a superb 72 not out - the only fifty of the match and one that contained by far the most fluent batting on a slow, low surface. Thanks for all your emails.