Love David Beckham? Oh No We Do

During a minor altercation with Eamon Dunphy in the middle of last summer's World Cup - he hosting his radio show from a Dublin studio, me contributing via mobile phone from a hotel balcony in Germany - he used his proximity to the microphone to shout me down with an outrageous falsehood.

'You English writers know nothing about football anyway,' he informed me and about half of Ireland. 'You're all in love with David Beckham.'

Horrified, my protests that he was mixing us up with Sven-Goran Eriksson were to no avail. Partly because Dunphy is not particularly interested in listening to what his guests have to say, but mainly because, while I could personally vouch that the majority of English football writers' opinions on Beckham ranged between sceptical and scathing, somehow you never got that impression from the newspapers.

Newspapers love David Beckham. So do television stations, magazines, advertising agencies and anyone else interested in gaining attention. A famous face, a winsome smile and an absolute mountain of money do the trick every time, as will shortly be demonstrated in America - maybe sooner than we thought now we know that he will not be playing for Real Madrid again, at least not while Fabio Capello is in charge.

Beckham cannot fail in Los Angeles. He's good-looking, minted and a celebrity already. That sort of thing gets you noticed in the US, where even if soccer remains a relatively small-time activity - the most successful club, DC United, changed hands last week for $17m less than Beckham will earn per year - those wages alone will guarantee him big-time coverage.

The staggering, million-dollar-a-week contract is already doing its work. In fact, in a typically American way, the dosh is what is driving the story. Had Beckham signed up on more ordinary wages, he would have been accused in Europe of retiring from real football and running from the fact he was no longer wanted at the highest level, while Americans would have assumed they were just getting another has-been looking for a golden sunset. Had he joined LA Galaxy for half the money he would have been deemed greedy. He hardly needs a pension, after all. But earning a massive pay rise on leaving Real Madrid, having lost his pace, his England place and failed to win over Spanish doubters, is a masterstroke. Who else could have done that? A million dollars a week brooks no argument. One simply hopes Philip Anschutz does not live to regret his generosity, and Beckham - who will be 32 in May - does not regret saying No to one last chance of playing at a proper football club in Milan.

Because everyone likes a happy ending, and this is close to perfect. Sky News does not keep a sports reporter in Hollywood - although they soon might have to - so the guy they sent along to the Home Depot Centre to hold up a shirt for the camera was, quite brilliantly, the Show Biz correspondent. You couldn't make it up, although one suspects from time to time that Beckham is either writing his own scripts or paying someone with a Hollywood-type imagination to do it for him.

Earlier in the week, the script most English newspapers were considering was this one: how does a 31-year-old go from captaining his country in a World Cup to being on the European scrapheap in just over six months? The fact that newspapers love Beckham does not mean they always want to fawn over him. Schadenfreude sells just as well. Then with one bound our hero was free. The script is now a Wags to riches story, complete with Californian sunsets and shopping.

So what if the football has slipped down the billing? Now it is clear what sort of a deal Beckham has been sitting on, he is to be admired for conducting himself so professionally in his final year in Spain. He has nothing to prove, he does not owe football anything. A World Cup final might have been his chosen finale, but 94 caps, three World Cups and 15 years with Manchester United and Real Madrid do not amount to an unfulfilled career.

Even Dunphy would have to admit that. In fact, knowing the Irishman's fondness for glamorous locations, he might like to sign up for a pilgrimage later this year. Once the Beckhams are ensconced in the Hollywood Hills or on Malibu Beach, there is no way the English media will leave them alone. Hotels and airlines can expect a sharp upturn in the number of journalists and camera crews going over to poke about the place. Football writers will be among them, because even the new Wembley will not be as congenial as California.

So Dunphy might not have been completely wrong about us being in love with Beckham. He might just have been a year too early.

Alan-and-Mark show misses the story

Talking of Liverpool supporters, the Kop did two amazing things last week. The first was the well executed and effective protest against Kelvin MacKenzie during the Arsenal FA Cup defeat. The second was singing 'You'll Never Walk Alone' when their team trailed Arsenal 5-1 in the Carling Cup four days later.

It was the latter that prompted one of the liveliest blog reactions the Guardian Unlimited site has witnessed, when a writer rather naughtily and knowingly suggested that if they wanted things to improve, Liverpool fans would be better booing or leaving the stadium early.

You can imagine the firestorm that followed - and very entertaining some of it was, too. Liverpool fans are never going to turn on their team: the whole ethos of the club and essence of 'YNWA' is one of sticking together through adversity. Quite right, too, since if the Kop booed a manager or attacked the board with the gusto they bring to demonising MacKenzie or singing 'The Fields of Athenry', heads would have to roll. But don't worry, Rafa, it won't happen.

Even Arsenal fans were impressed by the Liverpool fans on Tuesday, apart from the ones in the Five Live commentary box. Pairing Alan Green and Mark Lawrenson was possibly not the wisest decision and London listeners quickly became aware that they were not hearing the story of Arsenal's glorious triumph but a funereally told tale of Liverpool's defeat.

So, Julio Baptista, just becoming the first opponent in 60 years to score four goals at Anfield does not win over the whole of the English audience. Because, let's face it Mark, Dudek didn't move for that free-kick, did he? That's right, Alan, he just didn't move.

Why FA want us to feel the energy and ignore empty seats

The FA Cup is sponsored by E.ON, a Germany-based energy company. Despite appearances on Match of the Day, there is no truth in the rumour it has been taken over by a firm promoting empty plastic seats.

The pictures from around the grounds last weekend were greatly at odds with the statistics and soundbites coming out of Soho Square. How could this be the nation's favourite competition when so many had clearly turned their back on it? How could the FA be trumpeting success at the turnstile when Birmingham boss Steve Bruce was shocked by a half-full stadium for an attractive home tie with Newcastle?

Easy. Underpinning the overall attendance was the simple fact that Manchester United had been drawn at home, so a single match put 75,000 spectators into the aggregate pot. With Liverpool's selling out against Arsenal, two North-West games attracted almost 120,000 and massaged some disappointing figures elsewhere. Had United been drawn away at Macclesfield, the FA would not be sounding nearly as complacent and Bruce's legitimate concerns would have been less easy to overlook.

As it was, Brian Barwick picked out the positives as only a Liverpool fan struggling under an Arsenal avalanche could. 'Goals and attacking football are what people want to see, and I don't think many fans were left disappointed,' the FA's chief executive said. 'I think every fan looks forward to the third round as a unique time when smaller clubs have the chance to take on the biggest.'

So that's all right, then. Let's just forget the fact, shall we, that with more than a quarter of a million empty seats around the country, the third round played to just 67.9 per cent of capacity. Let's also overlook the eight changes made by Sheffield United and Neil Warnock's blunt assessment that the Premiership was the overriding priority. Even Liverpool and Arsenal promoted their reserve goalkeepers.

But most of all, let's ignore Bruce's warning about pricing out working-class fans. It might be Birmingham's fault for charging so much, but that is not the point. The point is that football costs too much everywhere. Cup ties are a good litmus test, because they take season tickets out of the equation. So are Premiership newcomers such as Wigan, whose decision to reduce tickets to £15 for the rest of the season is an admission they got it wrong in the first place. Price of a Stamford Bridge seat for Wigan fans yesterday? £48.

It is worth saying again that when Lord Justice Taylor first recommended all-seat stadiums, he did so with a proviso that prices should be pegged. Clubs have been allowed to get round this and, if the FA Cup is proving the first casualty, it will not be entirely unjust. Somewhere between £15-£20 is about right.

For clubs to plead poverty when they are receiving so much television money and shovelling almost all of it into the pockets of players is simply grotesque.