Crystal Trino's Journal Sep 21 2006 Entry

September 21. Thursday Night.

Hi Journey.

"Yes, Mom, believe me, I know it’s crazy. And I couldn’t agree with you more that Egypt seems to be a complete 180 from the South Pacific. But Mom, it’s her life."

"No, Crystal. It’s not just her life, it’s mine, too. I know you can’t own your kids, but she owns a part of me; a piece of my heart. Lord, but sometimes I hate not having you kids around for a birthday. It’s a lot easier mothering them when they’re five than twenty-five."

This was last night, J. I was at Whitby, just home from a long day. Mom phoned up and let fly with a mono-rant about Casey’s newest move.

"You always seemed to take her geo-shuffles in stride. What’s different about this one?"

"What’s different?" she asked shrilly. "What’s different is this isn’t some three day teenage jaunt to Chicago; it’s the MidEast. Don’t you read the news, Crytstal?"

Two thoughts barreled into my mind one atop the other: Not if I can help it and Mom, you are starting to tick me off. But what I said was: "Sure, but Egypt’s not exactly a war zone, Mom. Not like Iraq."

"The whole world feels like a war zone right now."

"Yeah, but Mom, that’s just the way it feels, not the way it is."

"Tell that to all those military parents that have a boy or girl coming home in a box this year."

No. I refused to let this escalate. Five years ago--even two years ago--her constantly trumping of everything I said would have been enough to trigger a shouting match between the two of us. Not today. It’s just not worth it; especially since our relationship has grown so much this past year. She hasn’t been on me about my career in, what--six months? Something else is eating at her, I’m sure of it.

So I just stayed silent for a few moments. I honestly didn’t know what to say, or what hidden catalyst had set her off like this. She didn’t speak, either. No matter how long you’ve loved somebody, the dead silence on the phone line gets uncomfortable after a few moments.

"Mom, is something up down there in Venice? Something up with Dad?"

"He’s worried sick that the conflict is going to explode all over the MidEast and catch up our youngest in it. And I guess his fear’s infecting me, too."

"But he’s been scared for her before. Why is now so different than before?"

"I don’t know. I guess it’s because up to now she’s always played tourist or stargazer or archaeologist in safe zones. But now, I just don’t know," she sobbed into the phone. Yes, Journey, she was sobbing. I know it’s hard to believe, but that’s how worried she was over Casey. And I remembered what Mattie told me, about how I’d have to be there for Mom with Sisi’s being in Japan.

I can’t wait for those Siriso’s to get back. Selfish? Sure--but I’m not strong enough to shoulder all the load of taking care of Mom by myself.

"Mom, it’ll be OK. She’s watched over, you know that. She always has been."

I heard her blow her nose into a tissue. "That’s what I used to think about Chris, and that’s what I’ve been telling myself for twenty plus years about Casey. And I used to believe it; part of me couldn’t believe God would dare take two from me. Except down in my heart I really didn’t believe that at all--I’m not that special. Nobody is. No, I just faked myself into thinking I believed that convenient placebo of a self-lie, almost like I was psyching myself up for a game. Well after two decades my psyche’s spent and I am not up for this game at all."

"Wow," I said softly. "I never knew."

"Of course you didn’t. How could you? Think I could just cry and freak out in front of you and your big sister every time the baby of the family decided to spread those wings of hers? No way. I wanted you all to be independent, to stand on your own. And your father and I wanted all of you to be tough. If I had broken down every time I was scared for Casey, why then you and Carm would have just overprotected her and worried yourselves sick over a force of nature you can’t even begin to hope to control."

"Is that what she is, a force of nature."

"Oh, Crystal," she sighed. "Mattie taught you much, but there is so much more to learn. We’re all a force of nature."

"Sure, but some gales blow stronger than others, Mom."

She laughed at that, as if my gawky humor blew her fear off course. We spend another ten minutes talking on the phone. We discussed Casey’s birthday and agreed to try a four way call with everybody early our Friday morning, which would be late on Casey’s Friday night, but still the 22nd. And of course we both went on and on about Carm and Company’s moving back to New York.

I felt needed tonight, J--needed by Mom.

Part of me wants to run far away.

Goodnight, Journey