Kevin Pietersen

How's it going Kevin?

Pretty good Small Talk, pretty good.

You must be ready for a break after the year you've had?

Too right, mate. Jess [KP's fiance] and I are off to South Africa for a rest before it gets going again for the Champions Trophy and the Ashes.

Talking of which, did you realise at the time how much your 158 at The Oval last year would change your life?

Not at all. I knew it was bloody big, that we'd won the Ashes, but I didn't know how things would change.

What did you have for lunch on that final day?

Nothing. I'm not a big eater when I'm batting.

What did Duncan Fletcher and Michael Vaughan say to you during the break?

I can't remember. There were so many emotions flying around. It was carnage that day, so I honestly don't know. Can't remember.

Was there a point in the innings, after all those early escapes, when you thought: 'Sack this, if it's full or short I'm going to belt it'?

I think Shane had just dropped me and I thought: 'I'm not playing my normal game here'. I decided the best way to go about it was to play my normal game and have a go, because I thought 'The best form of defence today would be attack', so...

You batted No5 that day. Do you prefer it there or in your current position of No4? (While waiting to tick off the 1554 train to Grimsby, Small Talk noticed that KP averages 37 at No4 in ODIs and a whopping 116 at No5.)

I do have my preferences, but for Team England's sake it's a case of getting on with the job and batting No4, which is what I've been given. It's one of those things. You take the rough with the smooth. I don't mind it that much.

Where does your front-foot, cross-court flip through midwicket come from?

[Wearily, like a man who's been asked the same question 50 times this week] I've been asked that about 50 times this week. I don't know. It's just a way of manipulating the field.

A lot of good judges, and Ian Botham, have said that your first bad patch - and how you handle it - will define the rest of your career. Are you prepared for that?

It's not a case of being prepared for it - hopefully it doesn't happen. I understand that, if the bad patch comes, I've just got to get on and play and contribute as much as I can. The thing is people say: 'Yeah you're gonna have a bad patch here; you're gonna have this, you're gonna have that'. I say that my life is there - panned out for me. That's what I believe. My life is panned out for me. Whatever happens happens. I will go about my business professionally, 120% committed. If I get runs on a certain day, fantastic.

Do people confuse a skunk haircut or some harmless six-figure bling with a lack of professionalism?

I've said that. When it was happening last summer I said: 'It's you guys [dirty no-good journos] who've made a big song and dance out of the hairstyle, not me.' It's something for people to have a go about. To be honest it doesn't bother me; it didn't bother me. As soon as, erm, Jess said to me, 'Get rid of your hair', I took it off. Really didn't bother me. Didn't bother me at all.

Who has the worst dress sense in the England dressing-room?

The worst dress in the England dressing-room? Christ, let me think. [Long pause] Erm, who's bad?

Shamone?

Andrew Strauss - shirt and trousers. Very, very ... public-schoolboy look.

Describe yourself in five words.

Er ... adventurous, fun, approachable, supportive, erm, and ... daring.

Who or what would you put in Room 101?

Positive as well. Positive.

And room 101?

Jealousy. People who are obnoxious. Errr, what else? My manager, Adam. He's a knobhead. ["That's just cocked the interview up my friend," chirps a background voice which may or may not be Pietersen's manager Adam.]

What's your favourite word?

Lecker.

Which means?

Lecker means lecker, nice. Wicked. Lecker.

If you had to be stuck in a lift with Graeme Smith, Jason Gallian or Faisal Iqbal, who would you choose?

If I was stuck in a lift? Erm, holy moly! Erm ... Gallian.

What's your ringtone?

Erm, hold on a second, let me have a look. Bom bom bom ... settings ... profile ... right ... World, Hold On by Bob Sinclar. [Cue ear-splitting blast of generic, radio-friendly disco that takes Small Talk bopping back to the days of Livin Joy's Dreamer and Berri's Sunshine After The Rain.] You know that one?

Sadly not. Have you ever been intimidated on a cricket field?

[Cue ear-shredding blast of contemporary gangsta jive which sounds suspiciously like Mr B Rhymes crooning about 'booty', 'bitches' and 'layin' you down by the fire'.] Mate I've got Busta Rhymes, Busta Rhymes, My Baby Never Lets Me Down. [Small Talk chooses not to point out that this particular ballad is actually called: 'I Love My Bitch'.]

Have you ever been intimidated on a cricket field?

Not really, no. I suppose it was intimidating walking out to bat in South Africa on a couple of occasions. The Wanderers was real, real intimidating; a really bad one.

What gives you more pride: the standing ovation in South Africa or the standing ovation at The Oval?

South Africa. ["Last couple of questions Rob," pipes up background voice.] Last couple of quezz mate.

Favourite film?

Favourite film? Honey I Shrunk The Kids.

Weirdest request you've had from a fan?

To be my driver in Australia this year.

Can you tell us a joke?

Can I tell you a joke?

Yeah.

No.

Oh. [Cue excruciatingly long pause of at least four seconds while Small Talk waits for the joke that never comes.] All right mate, cheers.

Cheers. You take care now. Bye Small Talk.

Kevin Pietersen's book, Crossing The Boundary, is published by Ebury Press, priced £18.99