The Emotional Stages of Divorce

When a marriage comes to an end, it is not only a case of dealing with the legal technicalities, but also there are a number of emotional aspects attached to it. Once the couple have decided to end their marriage relationship, they have to pass through various emotional stages during and after divorce. Though everyone would not have experienced it in the same way, there are certain assumed emotions that need to be realised and worked through. Whatever may be the degree of emotions felt by the couples, there is no doubt that the breakup of a marriage could be positively devastating and life-disrupting causing pains and sufferings to the individuals.

When the couples find it hard to move on together, then divorce would be the sensible way to get relief from the pain. However, unless and until it is not completely cordial and satisfactory to both the parties, the beautiful romance enjoyed so far, would be affected. One should not forget that the divorce has both the technical as well as emotional aspects attached to it. Of that, the technical issues would be dealt by the legal process, whereas the emotional aftermath by the couples themselves. It is very difficult to deal with the emotional aspects of the divorce.

Divorce is an emotional issue and different people undergo emotional disturbances in different ways. A few persons might experience virtually all of the tremendous emotional disturbances, whereas others would not have a tough task. They would get through the stages easily during the period and will manoeuvre these jerky waters with more courage and intelligence. The extensive range of emotional disturbances, which most of the people experience during their initial stages of the divorce process, could reduce their ability to think plainly, blight their decision, thereby causing their life imbalanced.

The recovery process one goes through during and after a divorce is similar to that of the recovery process in the case of death of the loved ones. Though working through the miseries can be a painful process, one needs to ensure their future emotional and physical well-being as well. Virtually all individuals react to divorce. Though there might be a difference in the degree of impact caused, there are certain common stages which are encountered by all. Of which the most common are the frustration, disbelief, despair, blame and suspicion.

Before getting the divorce, the couples would argue with each other, making the other feel controlled or even guilty. They would refuse to apologise even for absurd issues. They would have the lack of love between them that leads them to frustrations, helplessness and depressions. The individuals may suspect each other moving towards a permanent end of their relationship. There are certain emotions, mindset, and dynamics pertaining to the individuals, depending upon whether they have initiated the divorce or received the decision to break up. For instance, the initiator experiences fear, impatience, suspicion, resentment and remorse whereas the receiver of the decision experiences shock, insecurity, betrayal, loss of control, victimisation, reduced self-esteem, annoyance and, sometimes, helplessness.

Before invoking the legal process, they would try to express discontent to the other party. This stage is like an emotional roller coaster, causing the partners to experience lack of mutuality. The next is the stage, wherein the partners try to develop strategies for separation. At this stage, the commonly experienced feelings would be denial, anxiety, anger, depression and grief. After this stage, the couples would try to maintain distance from each other, disparaging the other spouse. In this stage, both the spouses could feel victimised by the other.

During the process of divorce, the couples need to adjust physically as well as emotionally. They should not hesitate to accept the fact that their marriage was a failure. In this stage, whatever may be their pains, they need to regain power and control, develop strategies for the future by creating a novel identity and identifying new talents and skills that are helpful to survive. At this stage, the spouses could be in mediation. After four or five years of divorce, most of the divorced individuals would have moved beyond the blame and anger and they would try to forgive the other person. There are a few who might even remarry. Here, they would experience insight, acceptance, integrity and courage to lead a life alone.